F-Word Scissorhands

4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommended ‘strident’ to their patients who use annoying tones of voice.

They tried to make it look like a drowning by putting the victim’s head in a bucket for an hour. But they made one mistake: they forgot to put in any water.

Why do they only got Urinal cakes? Where’s all the urinal pies, urinal danish, urinal flan?

You’ve been listening to Car Talk. Our Director of Probiotics is Lucy Stools.

It’s Janet... Miss Jackson, if you’re Nazi/ Nazi, Nazi boys, don’t ever change

Thanks to our new sponsors, the online escort apps Gay4Pay and Brotrix.

I was dreaming when I wrote this/ and, sorry, but I shit the bed/ and I ate a beet salad/ so the bedding’s smeared all brown and red

It is hotel policy that a fetish suit does not constitute a mask for Covid prevention. Sorry, piggy.

Today we’re literally going “balls to the wall”. We put up plastic sheets so we don’t stain the plaster.

I have Chikungunya! Shrimp gunya is two dollars extra.

You did not wake me up before you went went, as I demanded, and now I must be going solo, on which I had not planned.

From now on we need to remember to back up. So, going forward, always back up.

I toss your word salad with my mother tongue!

How many Draculas would it take to kill 3 Frankensteins? OK but what if 2 wolfmans were helping them?

You gotta see it, this guy’s panniculus is ridiculous!

If it stockpiles weapons like a duck and amends the constitution like a duck, it’s probably not a duck.

When a media firestorm meets a shitstorm there’s going to be burning shit

The population exploded, and that really hurt my ears.

That’s just what THEY want you to think! Just because, you know, it is factually correct.

A penis pump of this quality has a lot of bells and whistles; when you shoplift it the anti-theft devices go off

Today we have a small group of small men

Well, single me out with shingles and gout!

To join this gang you have to tamper with the smoke detector in the airplane toilet

We have boots on the ground but on floors we wear slippers

In the control tower, job performance was not even on our radar. But a lot of crashing planes were.