F-Word Scissorhands

I knew that you were coming so I baked a urinal cake, and now I’m being evicted for the smell.

When people say “it is what it is” always yell “No! You are wrong on two counts! It isn’t what it is and, also, it is what it is not!”

My dog has two front feet and, therefore, I guess, two rear hands.

You can say that again! Just, not to me.

We broke this story but we glued it back together and we’re running it again

I told you to stop doing this! OK, I didn’t “tell” you, verbally, I communicated it to you in writing, when I put up the sign reading “Stop defecating in the foyer, mom!”

My charity is an urban food bank called Mealz 4 Rillz

These go for $30 a pop but, if there is no audible popping sound, it is free.

I’ve never been a Japanese wrestler but I a-sumo it is great.

You don’t need to say “adequate enough.” You can just say “adequate” or else just say “A mad shitload AF.”

Do I have to wear a face mask if, as you say, I have my head up my ass?

We pull together as a family eunuch.

The plot of Downboy Abbey centers around a family of dogs headed by Earl Ruffsley Woofington

Seeing old forms of American entertainment was like a kick in the gut. Pre Minstrel Syndrome, if you will.

Sponsored by ExterminApe, the new poison spray for controlling pest monkeys and primates.

Pfizer vaccine?! I don’t even know ‘er!

Tuna Half Men: the rise of The Fishlegs

So, the comedy piece, right? That’s me. But the bang piece? So, that’s where you two come in.

If I had a nickel for every time my bank has refused to take my rolled nickels, my pockets would weigh so much I’d punch through earth’s crust and plunge into the iron/nickel core.

Nick knack paddy whack, give the dog a boner.

I am a new mom but also, in a sense, I am a long-time baby.

Podcasts are a double-edged sword, but double-edged swords don’t cut the person wielding them, obviously, Dummy. Why would they make them double edged if they did?!

Why is it only Sunscreen? Why don’t they make daughterscreen?

Unacceptable behavior from the talk show host Egregious Philbin

My preferred pronoun is He/ Him/ Hey Nongman!