F-Word Scissorhands

You’re telling me! unless I am having both visual and auditory hallucinations.

Come spend the night inside my booger walls

I can Christopher Walken chew gum at the same time.

I’m Scott Aukerman, and my preferred pronoun is “Hey, asshole!”

This morning we lost our baby after a painful struggle with cancer. But then we found him hiding in the clothes hamper so now it’s back to the pediatric chemo ward!

Look I don’t want anyone to get in trouble here. I just want a series of public beheadings so that my rage can be washed away in a wave of blood.

Christopher Plummer is survived by his twin brother, Christopher Electrician

If you vote for me I will cut the prison population in half. With bandsaws.

Today I’m going to, kind of, take off my comedy hat and put on my businessman hat, because someone pooped in my comedy hat.

You asked and we listened. But we didn’t heed your dumb words, of course. We just nodded until you went away.

Would you risk it for dis brisket?

Detectives found no signs of forcible entry at the crime scene, except in and around the victims’ buttholes.

Parents today demand healthier snacks for their kids, but they don’t want to sacrifice convenience. Now there’s new Entitlement Chips, from White People Problems!

Bat shit is not crazy, Madam. Human brains are crazy. So call me ‘human brain crazy’ instead.

My friend keeps saying he can’t put food on the table anymore. I’m like ‘you don’t put it on the table! You put it on plates. Dummy!’

Well if you can’t get “no” satisfaction, then you must get at least some, and you possibly get complete, satisfaction.

Welcome to all Snowmen, snowwomen, and non-binary snowindividuals.

Don’t take huge gulps of racism. Just little white suprema-sips.

You spoke and we listened. Then once your soul-deadening drone ended we went back to the status quo and you never even noticed.

For god so loved the world that he gave his only b-listed son

You know me; always softening my shit, tryna keep it diarrheal.

I have a plan to snatch your face mask. IF I can pull it off.

How could you have forgotten my description of the widest fork?! I told you a hundred tines!

Maybe we can kind of get the ball rolling, but avoid testicular torsion.

It’s that time of the month for strawberry corndog!