F-Word Scissorhands

Precious: Based on the Novel “The Obese Developmentally Disabled Girl Who Gets Molested” by Spoiler.

There’s a starman Waiting in the sky He wants to squeeze our Charmin but It makes Mr. Whipple cry

You got the Hole Enchilada. Question, what kind of hole do they make that with? Butt-, ear- or penisholes?

Say it, don’t spray it, then fly to Hawaii and lei it.

Welcome back we were on a short hiatus and a long low-atus.

Punting on the prepubescent pudenda

Menachem?! I don’t even know ‘im!

I got strep throat which, I think, is short for “obstreperous” throat. I should look that up what that means.

Scott is the Bob Hope Fellow of American Comedy at UCSD and also the Jolly Good Fellow that, nobody can deny.

Hand sanitizer?! I don’t even know ‘er!

A hip replacement and an even hipper pair of mom jeans.

I’m an idiot. It DID change. I thank you for letting me know it sucked.

Sorry. I had hoped that the way it would land would be to make me the butt of the joke, as a disgusting or appalling character. If it made anyone feel unsafe I apologize profusely and sincerely.

Oh no! Just tried to change it and it would not let me (saying it is too soon). I sent a message to the webmaster asking them to switch it back.

OK, @BloatedFartingScumbag I’ll change it. I know it is pretty much the worst word in the world, I would never use the actual word. One can hope that comedy can ridicule painful things like that and take away their power. (The power to make people less human, to subject them to suffering just for the category imposed upon them) But I am certainly not the guy to do that.

I looked right at that large ornamental goldfish and said "don't play koi with me!"

Is it offensive? I do not wish to offend anyone, but only to make an absolutely absurd and appalling parody name. Based on a true story my co-worker told me. And I am certain Scott has said "n word" on the show. But if people are offended I apologize and will be more than happy to change it.

Yes, I did a half-assed job. Because wild dogs ripped of one of my ass cheeks.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him get an abortion.

I suffer from disseminated, treatment resistant, yet delicious, key lime disease.

Today we have hyjinx, low-jinx, and Robert Durst of The Jinx.

This podcast is for mature audiences only. If you are a child, and we catch you listening to this, we will cut off your head and make love to the holes in your neck stump.

I can't read your mind. Is your mind available in a books-on-tape format?

If you get between the dock full of your friends and an incoming ship full of colleagues, oh yeah, you're going to feel the pier pressure.

Today's show is sponsored by Big John's Moving, and their sister company, Regular-sized John's Moving.