F-Word Scissorhands

I cried the day my son was born, because I don't love my son.

They held my feet to the fire but the overpowering stench of burning yeast forced them to released me.

That’s a whole nother thing. Or, OK, maybe not a WHOLE nother but at least two-thirds of a nother.

It's like crack on steroids on acid!

Sweating bullets, shitting sweat, bleeding diarrhea.

He’s the Comeback Kid. But the origin of that nickname is gross. Talk about a ‘back story.’

Our guest for today canceled because they peeked through the glory hole and got eye gonorrhea.

If you’re straight, but afraid of missing out on gay sex, you might be a FOMOsexual.

The waitress really pushed me to try the “bottomless nachos” but then she totally freaked out when the nachos arrived and I took off my pants and underwear!

Why do you bilge my pump (bilge my pump) Butterclump, baby just to smear my brown (smear my brown) while dressed like a clown?

My family told me they were putting me in the nursing home which sounded great. But they don't breast feed us at all in here!

We track down and shoot rolls of brand name paper towels today, on Bounty Hunters.

At this time police do not believe there is any connection between the two murders. But there IS a connection between the two victims, who are Siamese twins.

Oh baby give me one more chance/ I’ll bring you to my Neverland/ and then pull down your pants.

This must be the motivation for the protagonist because, after it happens, he starts protagonizing like crazy.

You’ve been hit by a smooth criminal but, in an unrelated incident, you were also hit by a bumpy criminal.

I recently became a new mom, in that, I gave away my old, worn-out, children for adoption.

What’s the deal with forearms? I have two of ‘em not four! Why don’t they call ‘em twoarms?!

I hear you, man. I don’t agree with you, understand you, or even like you. But I hear you.

Joseph Christ, the original Cuck.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But birds poop a lot. So I prefer the two that stay in the bush and don’t poop in my hand.

Those are the facts about respecting spit, you can't diss-sputum.

Today’s show is going to have pro-fanity, and some amateur fanity as well.

I recently became a new mom. Also, in addition to that, I gave birth to a baby.

You can’t indoor dine here, but you can dine indoors here, so I hope that is some consolation.