F-Word Scissorhands

I'm in a weird place lately. And when I say "place" I mean state of mind. And when I say "weird" I mean homicidal pedophilia.

Join your Zoom holiday party? I'd rather gouge out my prostate with a grapefruit spoon. Still, that's not a flat "no".

I’m Jose and this is my brother, Hose B.

...A very special episode of SpongeBob, set in 1980's New York City. Look for Mayor Ed Conch, Sandy Warhol, Keith Herring, Seashell Basquiat, and a crab named Thomas Pinchin.

Hi and welcome to Friendly's! What the fuck do you want, dipshit?!

Dude, it's not OK to compare Peter Dinklage to Hervé Villachaize, that's messed up. People should only be compared to their own race.

Today’s show sponsored by the popular new Japanese takeout smartphone app, Jim Belushi’s Sushi Mushi Mushi.

“The masters of the universe”? That might be a bit grandiose. They did not control matter and energy, time or space across millions of light years. Rather they pretty much just fought in the vicinity of castle Grayskull and rode green tigers.

What did you do for a living before this, were you a traveling douchebag salesman?

I asked the gardener if this is a Black Ash tree. He said “You bet your Black Ash it is!”

I really appreciate all your listener comments and suggestions that I get on the CBB voicemail. Even the guy who screamed that I'm a "lactating soy boy."

Why is it always "strep throat"? Why can't it ever, just once, be strep forehead, or strep philtrum?!

Our guests today will be Neil Diamond's titular Sweet Caroline, and her sister, Umami Caroline.

Under hypnosis I saw myself dying from drinking beer in a Pabst life.

Today we'll remember the true reason for the season: buttpumpkins.

Not while you're pregnant! I'm afraid I'd poke the baby's head! And I'm afraid I'd like it. And I'm afraid the baby would like it.

It feels good to stop and take stock, and just look in the rearview mirror, you know? The rearview mirror that you have taped to your foot to shoot your upskirt vids.

I wouldn't stand on that glass-top table if I were you. But, hey, suture yourself.

Sponsored by Bobby McFerrin’s new Japanese restaurant, Donburi Be Happy.

At Comedy Bang Bang, a “brown bag lunch” is when you eat your quinoa bowl then shart on your scrotum.

You said that my breath smells like raw sewage. But HA HA!!! you are wrong!!! The sewage I just ate was thoroughly cooked.

Today's show sponsored by Cyndi Lauper's new Japanese restaurant, Shiso Unusual.

You can't solve a problem until you face it and acknowledge that it IS a problem. That is why I'm starting to lose hope that we'll ever stop Pedophile Bigfoot.

Feel free to "push back" on my comments. Any farmboy can tell you, it feels way better when the sheep push back.

Please put your hands together for today's guests. Hmm. That didn't actually produce any audible applause. Maybe try clapping your hands instead?