F-Word Scissorhands

I miss my dead mother. But I miss my non-dead mother even more.

Ask yourself, “does this spark joy?” And if not then stop burning your testicles with arcs from that stripped lamp cord.

I Call shotgun! …wielding active shooter, please pick up, 911!

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him an Olympic-level competitor in synchronized swimming without horse meth.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but every one of those ways ends in a serious uproar about animal rights.

Jeopardy rules have changed! You no longer have to start your answers with “what is…” but you must end all answers with “…and shit.”

Our show will begin in a moment so deafen yourself now. You’ll be glad you did.

At the end of the day, I don’t even know where to begin, and that’s as good a starting point as any to leave it at.

Every comedy duo needs a good straight man. And if the straight man is gay, or a woman, or intersex, or non-binary, all the better! Just, they have to be less funny than the other one.

“There are known unknowns but, also, unknown unknowns.” Why would anyone keep repeating this wordy claptrap?! Unknown.

Think of it this way. You’re not losing your life, you’re gaining a son-in-law.

Fat Albert, you’re just like that infertile cat; no kitten.

You know when you try to poop, and nothing comes out except a fist-sized mass of live ticks? What?! No, me either.

My preferred pronouns are this/job and sucks, amIright?!

Penis pump on the front, butt pump on the rump, I’m gonna ride til I can’t no more

The Mohel told everyone at the bris “I’m in such a hurry, sorry, I’m probably going to cut this short.”

If you win an Oscar by being a pedophile, you gotta thank the little people.

I’m going to slap that jizz snorkel off your fat face!

My guest today was arrested and charged with possession of, and intent to distribute, greater than one ounce of hot cock.

I radioed the snipers and gave the order to “take the perp down.” Somewhere in there, they must have misinterpreted it to mean I condoned hurting him!

Never “assume”, OK, because when you assume, you slather my ASS with UME, the Japanese plum confection.

You have to accept reality before you can change it, Princess She-Ra.

Did you know that many Americans are teased just for having funny names? Hello, I’m the president of EndNameShame, Dick P.P. Pissbalz.

Backlash sucks but frontlash is no walk in the park either.

Wounded Knee is bad but if you want to see a really awful monument check out Wounded Dickhole.