F-Word Scissorhands

You should still wear a mask in certain situations, but never in uncertain ones.

I am known by many names. “Meathead”, “Shithead”, “Baldy” “Bitch Tits”, and “Joe Rogan”, are just a few.

Mr. Aukerman you are charged with manslaughter but, to be more inclusive, the court will rename the offense personslaughter.

Meat you can feel OK about. We only slaughter chickens that are certified to have posted racist memes on their social media.

I’m old schooled and a home boy. Homeschooled, you could say.

The dried grape industry is raisin money

“Two plus two equals four”!? Listen to yourself! That’s just what THEY want you to think.

There was an awful incident recently where a woman was deep-fried by her husband. Truly a battered wife.

There may be possible side effects. In some cases there may even be impossible side effects.

When you get older you can’t just go from one sugar daddy to the next anymore. You have to think about sugarless daddies now.

I worry that as we go into summer people will let their guard down and take less precautions and people are going to die from Piranhas.

I got in, but I got turned off, so I fell behind, gave up, and dropped out.

Today we have a comedy team with a gay straight man.

Philatelists, philanthropists, and philanderers of Philadelphia

In this lane there should only be equestrians on foot, and pedestrians on horses

That Freddie Mercury movie is infectious, but I’m taking Antibiopics

Lovely Rita meter maid?! More like lovely Rita meet her maker! Because, you know, she’s dead.

This is a ‘gray area’ for the law. Like Trump’s pubes.

Really?! ‘Fundraise’? Shouldn’t it be ‘raise funds’? Sorry, I don’t mean to be a verb dick.

shrimp shells and mouse poop are the new pumpkin spice

I feel like we still need closure on this bra

They say to eat a diet with whole grains, and you can’t take all the salt; truth. But do you take that all with a grain of salt, or take it to heart, because there’s a grain of truth to it?

If police pull you over, you can steer the interaction by speaking thoughtfully. I like to begin by asking “What seems to be the problem, orificer?”

Welcome to The Trout Hatchery. Here’s your milt shake. Would you like fry with that?

I was sentenced on all counts, more than I can count, and by all accounts that was a lot of sentences.