F-Word Scissorhands

Let me answer your question with a question and, also, a hand gesture like I’m jerking off.

He was men’s college basketball’s winningest coach but, tonight, he is men’s college basketball’s dyingest coach.

“I don’t like when you get in my face”, I said to the botfly maggots.

Hi, yeah, I saw that you moved my lunch in the staff refrigerator, from the middle shelf to the top shelf, and I just wanted you to know that is why I murdered your whole family.

The killer had lots of journals where he wrote that he hated his classmates but, obviously, we aren’t going to take the word of a mass murderer, so we have no motive at this time.

I’m sorry, that is confidential at this time but, what I can tell you is, shut up.

Douches are supposed to be Summer’s Eve, not Summer Steve

If the government is going to require every building to have fire extinguishers then, to be fair and balanced, they should require fire exacerbaters too.

I was hoping we’d get off on the right foot. Not that I have anything against left-footed people.

I should have written down what I wanted my single-mindedness to be laser-focussed on, because I totally forgot.

Sphincter?! I don’t even know ‘er!!

Check out my new adze! I fell in love with it in an extremely appealing series of commercial spots. Nothing is as sweet-ass as adze ads.

Whenever your boss addresses you, always respond “now what?!” That way they’ll know you are eager and flexible.

Jack-off all trades, masturbator of none.

Give me your thick caulk, home improvement specialist!

Indifference is my passion.

No one likes being a quadruple amputee. But I have to admit you got me back for saying cryptocurrencies are dumb.

I was born ready. For example, in the maternity ward, the next day, after I was born, I got a nurse pregnant.

A lot of guys would ask you to say that one more time. Not me. I’m asking you to have said it one fewer times.

They foisted it on me and they’ll probably do it again. Foist, not last.

Please. I prefer werewolf, not wolfman. Let’s leave my gender out of this.

I received a fraction of what I was owed. So what if that fraction was nine eighths?!

We ask that all our guests keep your mask up unless you are actively eating... Scott’s ass.

To answer your last question first; first things first, where does it end? And, lastly, that’s just for starters, which is my answer to your first question, and that’s final.

Earwolf has terminated the noisy crows that were formerly employed here. They were fired for caws.