No vampire hunters have ever driven a wooden stake through my heart, knock on wood.

[No vampire hunters have ever driven a wooden stake through my heart, knock on wood.]

No vampire hunters have ever driven a wooden stake through my heart, knock on wood.

[My surgeon gave me two buttholes but I rectum both.]

My surgeon gave me two buttholes but I rectum both.

[This policy will cut the children that live in poverty in half. The families can choose the best option for them: lengthwise or at the waist.]

This policy will cut the children that live in poverty in half. The families can choose the best option for them: lengthwise or at the waist.

[I want to do something that really makes a difference in the world. Like, pollute an aquifer with permanent chemical toxins.]

I want to do something that really makes a difference in the world. Like, pollute an aquifer with permanent chemical toxins.

[There are many aspects to aging. Like, ass specks.]

There are many aspects to aging. For example, ass specks.

[You are doing an amazing job. In that, I am amazed that anyone could be so incompetent.]

You are doing an amazing job. In that, I am amazed that anyone could be so incompetent.

[If you don’t wear a mask you could kill a grandma, and that’s a crime: nanaslaughter.]

If you don’t wear a mask you could kill a grandma, and that’s a crime: nanaslaughter.

[They gave me two colonoscopy appointments but I rectum both.]

They gave me two colonoscopy appointments but I rectum both.

[Today we have Jason Mantzoukas and his sister, Jason Womantzoukas.]

Today we have Jason Mantzoukas and his sister, Jason Womantzoukas.

[...Like your Bob Dylans, your David Bowies, your Jimi Hendrices.]

 ...Like your Bob Dylans, your David Bowies, your Jimi Hendrices.

[The dark web is the internet’s even eviler twin]

The dark web is the internet’s even eviler twin

[All the bells and whistles are complimentary when you tamper with the anti theft devices]

All the bells and whistles are complimentary when you tamper with the anti theft devices

[In the future, if Germans ever live on Mars, it will be wurst of both worlds.]

In the future, if Germans ever live on Mars, it will be wurst of both worlds.

[THAT HUNK is your designer?! More like an Interior dickorator!]

THAT HUNK is your designer?! More like an Interior dickorator!

[Well you can’t win ‘em all. In fact, in your case, you can’t win any of ‘em.]

Well you can’t win ‘em all. In fact, in your case, you can’t win any of ‘em.

[Thanks to our new sponsor, Hall’s menthol Lapkus]

Thanks to our new sponsor, Hall’s menthol Lapkus

[We are mere Shit on the shoe of N’dugu]

We are mere Shit on the shoe of N’dugu

[Wham, bam, ad nauseam]

Wham, bam, ad nauseam

[Incarcerated people are mistreated in 25 different states, and also 25 states that are the exact same.]

Incarcerated people are mistreated in 25 different states, and also 25 states that are the exact same.

[Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining UNLESS we’re in Detroit. Then I can call these boots my “Detroit Pissed-ins.”]

Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining UNLESS we’re in Detroit. Then I can call these boots my “Detroit Pissed-ins.”

[So, a little bird told me you are getting promoted! Hi, welcome to Cutesy Blatant Lies]

So, a little bird told me you are getting promoted! Hi, welcome to Cutesy Blatant Lies.

[I just can’t wrap my head around this. So I am injecting hydrofluoric acid under my scalp to demineralize my skull, making it as rubbery as an octopus.]

I just can’t wrap my head around this. So I am injecting hydrofluoric acid under my scalp to demineralize my skull, making it as rubbery as an octopus.

[Asphalt?! You’re an ass! It’s YOUR fault!]

Asphalt?! You’re an ass! It’s YOUR fault!

[People who have never been on the internet are a shrinking minority. In addition to shrinking, they are becoming less numerous.]

People who have never been on the internet are a shrinking minority. In addition to shrinking, they are becoming less numerous.

[People don’t have enough food to eat. Other people don’t have enough food for doing things besides eating, such as, macaroni art.]

People don’t have enough food to eat. Other people don’t have enough food for doing things besides eating, such as, macaroni art.