As god as my grammatical witness I only needed one “as” in this sentence.

[As god as my grammatical witness I only needed one “as” in this sentence.]

As god as my grammatical witness I only needed one “as” in this sentence.

[In my meeting with the cereal execs I was like “At the end of the day, this is about a nutritious breakfast!” “At the end of the day, this is about starting your day in the morning!” They didn’t even get it.]

In my meeting with the cereal execs I was like “At the end of the day, this is about a nutritious breakfast!” “At the end of the day, this is about starting your day in the morning!” They didn’t even get it.

[Here's my origin story: in high school I was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.]

Here's my origin story: in high school I was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.

[Around the teeth and over the gums, look out esophageal cancer, eat my bum!]

Around the teeth and over the gums, look out esophageal cancer, eat my bum!

[What is this, repeat everything day?! Repeat everything day?!]

What is this, repeat everything day?! Repeat everything day?!

[The problem of homelessness is exploding even though the homeless, themselves, for the most part, are not actually exploding.]

The problem of homelessness is exploding even though the homeless, themselves, for the most part, are not actually exploding.

[Oooh baby, baby, it's a wide world/ hard to get by on a pedophile]

Oooh baby, baby, it's a wide world/ hard to get by on a pedophile

[Do it or there will be Hades hairpiece! AKA Hell toupee!]

Do it or there will be Hades hairpiece! AKA Hell toupee!

[Ah, young Wesley Crusher! Your name is most fitting at the Starfleet Academy, where you are absolutely Crushin' it!]

Ah, young Wesley Crusher! Your name is most fitting at the Starfleet Academy, where you are absolutely Crushin' it!

[Eyw! Oh No! I accidentally butt dialed you on Zoom and now there's poop all over the screen!]

Eyw! Oh No! I accidentally butt dialed you on Zoom and now there's poop all over the screen!

[Look, we all need to do the work to make our holiday celebrations more inclusive and accommodating. So stop fighting me on this. Just roll on your back and let me fart in your mouth.]

Look, we all need to do the work to make our holiday celebrations more inclusive and accommodating. So stop fighting me on this. Just roll on your back and let me fart in your mouth.

[Philip K. Dick's real middle initial was P, but he didn't like being called P. P. Dick.]

Philip K. Dick's real middle initial was P, but he didn't like being called P. P. Dick. 

[(in Mrs. Doubtfire voice) This is your Auntie Vaxxer, this is your Auntie Fascist, and this is your Auntie Semite.]

(in Mrs. Doubtfire voice) This is your Auntie Vaxxer, this is your Auntie Fascist, and this is your Auntie Semite.

[Arby's. In case of skin contact, wash thoroughly for several minutes with soap and warm water.]

Arby's. In case of skin contact, wash thoroughly for several minutes with soap and warm water.

[Arby's. If swallowed do not induce vomiting. Contact your local poison control center immediately.]

Arby's. If swallowed do not induce vomiting. Contact your local poison control center immediately.

[Welcome to Arby's. I am the titular Arby.]

Welcome to Arby's. I am the titular Arby.

[Let's file that one under 'N', for Necro, here... on the Necrofiles.]

Let's file that one under 'N', for Necro, here... on the Necrofiles.

[This is your Auntie Semitism, this is your Auntie Theftdevice, and this is your Auntie Viraldrugregimen.]

This is your Auntie Semitism, this is your Auntie Theftdevice, and this is your Auntie Viraldrugregimen.

[Madam, it is not easy for me to wear a mask, as my breath smells like the crust under a chicken coop.]

Madam, it is not easy for me to wear a mask, as my breath smells like the crust under a chicken coop.

[Sure, and if you shave your dog’s ass and train her to walk backwards people will probably ask her for Danny Devito’s autograph.]

Sure, and if you shave your dog’s ass and train her to walk backwards people will probably ask her for Danny Devito’s autograph.

[I heard that, if you want to move to the Virgin Islands, you have to let them certify it by checking your hymen, or penis hymen, as the case may be.]

I heard that, if you want to move to the Virgin Islands, you have to let them certify it by checking your hymen, or penis hymen, as the case may be.

[The Loch Ness Monster is one thing, but Social Distortion’s Mike NESS is a REAL MONSTER on the Gibson, amirite?!]

The Loch Ness Monster is one thing, but Social Distortion’s Mike NESS is a REAL MONSTER on the Gibson, amirite?!

[Lucasfilm was paid $ millions to name their Wookiee character a contraction of "Chew tobacca"; subliminal advertising to kids.]

Lucasfilm was paid $ millions to name their Wookiee character a contraction of "Chew tobacca"; subliminal advertising to kids.

[I am not the one on trial here! You're probably thinking of HBO's free 30 day trial subscription.]

I am not the one on trial here! You're probably thinking of HBO's free 30 day trial subscription. 

[The TV series Unsolved Mysteries has a less successful sister show Solved Mysteries: Just Regular Stories.]

The TV series Unsolved Mysteries has a less successful sister show Solved Mysteries: Just Regular Stories.