You’re never going to get 100% of the hazardous fibers. You just have to do asbestos you can.

[You’re never going to get 100% of the hazardous fibers. You just have to do asbestos you can.]

You’re never going to get 100% of the hazardous fibers. You just have to do asbestos you can.

[I was a big hacker in the 90's. But not, like, computers and modems. More axes and co-eds.]

I was a big hacker in the 90's. But not, like, computers and modems. More axes and co-eds.

[I don't believe climate change is real. Oops, I said IsRael! Controversial subject!]

I don't believe climate change is real. Oops, I said IsRael! Controversial subject!

[We're going to have a whole lot of "Mmm hmm"s, a smattering of "Say what?!"s, and even an "Oh hell no!" or two.]

We're going to have a whole lot of "Mmm hmm"s, a smattering of "Say what?!"s, and even an "Oh hell no!" or two.

[I saw a snuff film once. Man, it was sickening. It ain't right to penetrate Mr. Snuffleupagus' nostrils like that.]

I saw a snuff film once. Man, it was sickening. It ain't right to penetrate Mr. Snuffleupagus' nostrils like that.

[This year Santa's bag is just bulging! I mean it's packed full, under high pressure. He's going to have trouble even cramming it down the chimney.]

This year Santa's bag is just bulging! I mean it's packed full, under high pressure. He's going to have trouble even cramming it down the chimney.

[I don’t want to get pigeonholed as the guy who wants to have live pigeons shoved up his butthole. But that is my thing, yeah.]

I don’t want to get pigeonholed as the guy who wants to have live pigeons shoved up his butthole. But that is my thing, yeah.

[I am telling you, I will not stand for this!!! I brought a folding lawn chair.]

I am telling you, I will not stand for this!!! I brought a folding lawn chair.

[You’re having a holiday party indoors?! OK, fine with me. It’s your Zoom funeral.]

You’re having a holiday party indoors?! OK, fine with me. It’s your Zoom funeral.

[I’m not saying there won’t be a few hiccups in the road, but we’ll achieve mixed metaphors eventually.]

I’m not saying there won’t be a few Hiccups in the road, but we’ll achieve mixed metaphors eventually.

[Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for today’s guests. (Cuffs go on) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent.]

Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for today’s guests. (Cuffs go on) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent.

[Rub half of an habanero chili on grandpa's urinary catheter for a spicy prank! ¡Muy pee-cante!]

Rub half of an habanero chili on grandpa's urinary catheter for a spicy prank! ¡Muy pee-cante!

[Vaginas take too much work!!! They are so labia intensive!!!]

Vaginas take too much work!!! They are so labia intensive!!!

[It won't happen again. It was a momentary blip, a glitch. It was a "blitch", if you will.]

It won't happen again. It was a momentary blip, a glitch. It was a "blitch", if you will.

[I'm not saying you always have to go with the flow. Just try not to be a clog in the toilet.]

I'm not saying you always have to go with the flow. Just try not to be a clog in the toilet.

[Don't you say "Rock me, Amadeus"! You're not Amadeus' boss! He'll rock you if he feels like it.]

Don't you say "Rock me, Amadeus"! You're not Amadeus' boss! He'll rock you if he feels like it.

[They put me in there with thousands of hardened criminals. And like two softened ones.]

They put me in there with thousands of hardened criminals. And like two softened ones.

[No, I said “The suspects fled in a vehicle.” And we are searching for that vehicle now. I wish we could narrow it down to just a car or truck but this just says “vehicle.” So it could be a hang glider, or a submarine, or a space capsule.]

No, I said “The suspects fled in a vehicle.” And we are searching for that vehicle now. I wish we could narrow it down to just a car or truck but this just says “vehicle.” So it could be a hang glider, or a submarine, or a space capsule.

[We’ll make you laugh even if you don’t wish to. Scott prefers it non-consensual.]

We’ll make you laugh even if you don’t wish to. Scott prefers it non-consensual.

[I have CAN-cer, right?! Positive. Active. Empowering! You act like I was diagnosed with CAN’Tcer.]

I have CAN-cer, right?! Positive. Active. Empowering! You act like I was diagnosed with CAN’Tcer.

[Once your ovaries run out of eggs, it’s “game ova”.]

Once your ovaries run out of eggs, it’s “game ova”.

[It's remarkable that the Spice Girls were able to forge a common artistic vision, hailing, as they did, from such diverse backgrounds in the Posh, Ginger, Baby, Sporty, and Scary communities, respectively.]

It's remarkable that the Spice Girls were able to forge a common artistic vision, hailing, as they did, from such diverse backgrounds in the Posh, Ginger, Baby, Sporty, and Scary communities, respectively.

[We had our people on the ground in the swing districts. I was like "Why are they on the ground?! Can't we at least get them a folding chair?"]

We had our people on the ground in the swing districts. I was like "Why are they on the ground?! Can't we at least get them a folding chair?"

[When my mom sees this report card she's going to kill me. I wonder, shall it be by garroting, poisoning, or - hey! - how about flaying!]

When my mom sees this report card she's going to kill me. I wonder, shall it be by garroting, poisoning, or - hey! - how about flaying!

[Sponsored by the all-girl band, Moist Towelettes.]

Sponsored by the all-girl band, Moist Towelettes.