-
Content count
665 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
4
Posts posted by F-Word Scissorhands
-
-
Ask yourself, “does this spark joy?” And if not then stop burning your testicles with arcs from that stripped lamp cord.
-
I Call shotgun! …wielding active shooter, please pick up, 911!
-
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him an Olympic-level competitor in synchronized swimming without horse meth.
-
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but every one of those ways ends in a serious uproar about animal rights.
-
Jeopardy rules have changed! You no longer have to start your answers with “what is…” but you must end all answers with “…and shit.”
-
Our show will begin in a moment so deafen yourself now. You’ll be glad you did.
-
At the end of the day, I don’t even know where to begin, and that’s as good a starting point as any to leave it at.
-
Every comedy duo needs a good straight man. And if the straight man is gay, or a woman, or intersex, or non-binary, all the better! Just, they have to be less funny than the other one.
-
“There are known unknowns but, also, unknown unknowns.” Why would anyone keep repeating this wordy claptrap?! Unknown.
-
Think of it this way. You’re not losing your life, you’re gaining a son-in-law.
-
Fat Albert, you’re just like that infertile cat; no kitten.
-
You know when you try to poop, and nothing comes out except a fist-sized mass of live ticks? What?! No, me either.
-
My preferred pronouns are this/job and sucks, amIright?!
-
Penis pump on the front, butt pump on the rump, I’m gonna ride til I can’t no more
- 1
-
The Mohel told everyone at the bris “I’m in such a hurry, sorry, I’m probably going to cut this short.”
-
If you win an Oscar by being a pedophile, you gotta thank the little people.
-
I’m going to slap that jizz snorkel off your fat face!
-
My guest today was arrested and charged with possession of, and intent to distribute, greater than one ounce of hot cock.
-
I radioed the snipers and gave the order to “take the perp down.” Somewhere in there, they must have misinterpreted it to mean I condoned hurting him!
-
Never “assume”, OK, because when you assume, you slather my ASS with UME, the Japanese plum confection.
-
You have to accept reality before you can change it, Princess She-Ra.
-
Did you know that many Americans are teased just for having funny names? Hello, I’m the president of EndNameShame, Dick P.P. Pissbalz.
-
Backlash sucks but frontlash is no walk in the park either.
-
Wounded Knee is bad but if you want to see a really awful monument check out Wounded Dickhole.
I miss my dead mother. But I miss my non-dead mother even more.
in New Catchphrase Suggestions
Posted
I miss my dead mother. But I miss my non-dead mother even more.