Tony the Poopbutt Butterfly

Two feet on the bath mat. A squid beak in the ass crack.

Bada bing. My therapist tells me I need a change so I tells her, Hey, Dollface, I just changed my underoos two days ago. Bada boom.

Bill the Butcher is really just Daniel Day Lewis in a top hat and Spanx.

Thank you for your 20 years of service, Fruit of the Loom underwear. Here’s to 20 more! I won’t live that long. Love!

Don’t kink shame the poultry. The choking chicken choking his chicken was just really into autoerotic asphyxiation.

Sick beats, homeslice.

Just one, single tig ol' bitty for this bozo, please.

Life partner, you're so hot you burn like the molten cheese in the center of a Totino's pizza roll. Monogamy!

There’s literally a nest of bot fly larvae emerging from the sclera in my left eye, but, sure, hun, how was your day?

One of those windows in the side of a cow so you can see it digesting cud, only it’s full of human penises.

We’re just saying your pirouettes would be more graceful without your dingle donger hanging out the piss hole in your leotard.

Every Sunday morning it's the same thing: go to church, take communion, go home, shit out some Jesus bod and piss out some Jesus blood.

Nipples are like assholes. We all have two.

If you’re refusing to slurp up curdled milk from shag carpeting, how do you expect to have the balls to lead a robot uprising, Evil Roomba?

Walruses have bones in their dicks. Dogs have bones in their dicks. Gorillas have bones in their dicks. Humans don’t have bones in their dicks. Science.

The biopsy came back positive. Your mole is cantankerous and the lab tech is crying.

All the patients in the burn unit love it when I tie the other end of my catheter to the bed rail and twang out Free Bird on my dick.

Your mom probably has a butt.

Gee whiz, my colostomy bag is full of people dicks.

Chugga-chugga, rutabaga. Choo-choo, stinky poo.

That garbage disposal was very friendly—I mean not to my hands, they’re mangled to shit—but personality-wise.

Condition the hair down there with Cheez-Whiz.

This string cheese has been in my butt pocket alllll afternoon, ladies.

Sir, please remove your carnie fingers from my hot dog water; I'm trying to sponge bathe my pits and crevices.

Ninja butt turtle face, a teenager. HiyaCHOP!