Tony the Poopbutt Butterfly

When the witch doctor said he needed to fwhap me with his medicinal stick, I just thought it’d be a gourd rattle or a tree branch or the literal medicine stick he had in his hand. But, MONDAYS, right?

If you think it's impossible to get your foot stuck in a horse vagina, you've clearly never been to a centaur key party.

Checkers is a game of strategy and skill. Peckers is a game of flaccidity and pills.

You're a pharmaceutical company asking for headshots. Next time, specify which head you're talking about, OK? This little mishap is on you.

You’re in a nation called Uri so you can urinate in Uri Nation.

I guess I wouldn’t know whether we truly are eating gruel in the slum gutters of Victorian London; I’m squalor-blind.

I may not have a pot to piss in, but I do have Chester Copperpot’s cremains and my One-Eyed Willy is about to burst.

Jesus’ foreskin is out there, dammit, and it belongs in a museum!

I don’t mind the occasional dick pic, but I do mind when I get them from you, Mom.

You can't get a pound cake in France, but they make a pretty good .454 kilogram cake.

Nice one!

I may not have a pot to piss in but I do have Tupperware, vacuum-sealed and filled with horse ejaculate.

When Optimus Prime absorbs an energon cube he gets more powerful, but when I absorb an energon cube I get radiation burns on my rectum and colon cancer.

Woke up this morning only to find out ‘shit the bed’ isn’t just a euphemism anymore.

I didn’t act surprised when you kidnapped me and probed me on your spaceship, so you don’t act surprised when I show you how to really work that probe.

Remember every time you write “cum Dumpster” the D should be capitalized because Dumpster is a proper noun.

Massapequa babeeeeeeeeeyyy!

Medusa, are you sure these strategically placed googly eyes will make me rock--HUZZAH! it's not that kind of show ...

Nipple tassels are my casual Friday.

GTFO is pronounced "Jif the fuck out," not "Gif the fuck out."

It takes about 14 days for a chap to wax assless to fully-assed.

I don't want a chap that's assless, half-assed, or even mostly-assed. Give me a fully-assed chap.

May we all dream of a future where one day chaps are fully-assed.

It's almost as if you had neither the dick nor the balls in mind when designing these crotchless panties.

It’s no longer shriveled but it’s still little and there’s some leakage. Just something to keep in mind next time I Botox my cock.