grumblegoose

if the vice unit of a police department owned a nissan versa, would that be the vice versa?

i spent a whole year on a quest to find the perfect hamburger, but in the end it turned out the real perfect hamburger was the friends i made along the way

a house divided against itself cannot stand. seriously, don’t build that house. you’ll get your construction license revoked

back in the navy, we had a little saying. it goes: “don’t ever get out of the boat.”

i don’t need liquor and i don’t need toys, all i need is a cold soda with the boys

the tables have turned, the shoe is on the other foot, everything is all screwy over here!

i’m just a jim looking for my pam, now put on this wig and pound my ham

look, I’m not entirely sure what you think “jazz” is, but I’m afraid you’re no longer welcome to perform at this club, we’d like you to leave immediately, and we’ve gone ahead and contacted the police. pick up your underwear on the way out

hasta luego, San Diego! Carlsbad, here I come

TIMBER! Is what I would say to warn people in the area if we were cutting down trees. We’re just testing out these rocket launchers though, so go ahead and fire away boys

I’m like an iceberg, there’s a lot more to me than first meets the eye. Also like an iceberg, I’m responsible for the sinking of dozens of seagoing vessels

I don’t make the rules, I just think of them, write them down, and distribute them for enforcement

well, now that you mention it, this one hundred dollar bill does look an awful lot like a rubber chicken. hey, wait a minute! somebody stop that clown car!

red sky at night, sailor’s delight. red sky at morning, sailors take warning. red sky at noon, sailors sing out of tune. red sky in august, sailors eat sawdust

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll want a glass of milk. if you give him a glass of milk, he’ll need to use your bathroom for about two hours, the mouse neglected to tell you he’s severely lactose intolerant

Anjelica Huston, we have a problem. the number two engine has failed and mission control mistakenly gave us your phone number instead of theirs

where are my manners? I should’ve offered you a piece of my mind. you’re rude, self-important, and you’re always handing out unsolicited criticisms to everyone you meet

we live in a society based on sobriety but without some impropriety my dad never would’ve sired me

this land is your land, this land is my land, and now that we’ve agreed upon that, let’s move on to the dicier issues of shipping lanes and mineral rights

and on the eighth day, the lord said: let there be spacious mid-size crossover SUVs with affordable down payments and low interest rates

when it comes to Leonardos, it’s all about DiCaprio and Da Vinci. and if you disagree, prepare for dislaprio and da pinchy