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staircaseghost

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Everything posted by staircaseghost

  1. Clowns are like, the Snuffleupagus of murder, apparently. http://www.cbsnews.c...tails-released/
  2. If I made that video, I would slip it into every conversation for the rest of my life. "Yeah, I'll have a personal pan pizza, a fountain drink, a side of breadsticks, and I directed 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'"
  3. HOW IS NO ONE MENTIONING THIS MOVIE WAS MADE BY THE SAME GUY WHO MADE THE TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART VIDEO https://youtu.be/lcOxhH8N3Bo (it also somehow makes marginally less sense, which is an accomplishment)
  4. (also, any tips for resizing that teeny tiny uploaded image?)
  5. Here's a little data-driven CORRECTION on this episode: Ben Siemon mentions that he had to google "garage door clutch" to see if that was actually a thing, leading Jason to hypothesize that "you and the writer of this movie are the only two people that have googled that". Well it turns out that google analytics has something to say about searches for the keywords "garage door clutch": (click for fullsize image) The maximum resolution here is ten searches/month, so we can count anything under that as the statistical equivalent of zero, like the hum of electricity inside a microphone even in a silent room. So, this movie came out in theaters the last week of January 2015, then came out on dvd/on-demand the last week of April 2015. As you can clearly see, this correlates perfectly with those two little spikes of a few dozen searches, after which it plummets back to nothingness. So Jason was technically wrong in his assertion -- it turns out some other people have indeed googled that phrase. But as the data shows, we can be virtually certain that all of those were from people last year who paid money to watch this shitty movie, then immediately said to themselves: "Waaaaaiit a minute. Do garage doors even have clutches? I'm going to expose this movie and all its lies... but first I've gotta make sure I've got my facts straight." P.S. no, garage doors don't have clutches. The door always weighs the same and is moving up the same slope, so why would they ever need a mechanism to switch between gears to apply differential rotational force?
  6. staircaseghost

    2nd ANNUAL HOWDIES - COMING SOON & WE NEED HELP

    Best New Movie Pitch based on a Movie that we watch (This Movie Should have been, a Sequel pitch or Alt movie) Gooby: Gooby revealed as magical externalization of three generations of child abuse Best Thing that June is truly Upset by Gooby: the fact that he is an animal who wears a scarf but no other article of clothing
  7. staircaseghost

    2nd ANNUAL HOWDIES - COMING SOON & WE NEED HELP

    Best New Word created on the Podcast Death Spa: "Birth Oops" or "Boops".
  8. staircaseghost

    2nd ANNUAL HOWDIES - COMING SOON & WE NEED HELP

    Best Second Opinion should be retired. No one is ever, ever going to beat Jack Frost's "My Dad Was The Same Way".
  9. staircaseghost

    2nd ANNUAL HOWDIES - COMING SOON & WE NEED HELP

    Hmm, maybe when I get home I'll make up a spreadsheet in google docs so we can get the timestamps on these and save the clip-puller(s) some wrist strain.
  10. staircaseghost

    2nd ANNUAL HOWDIES - COMING SOON & WE NEED HELP

    Hmm, made an evernote file of these and will do some attentive listening to verify, but off the vague top of my vague head... Weirdest Thing Jason is Turned on By Didn't he achieve climax when he learned Bloodsport was based on a true story? Best New Movie Pitch based on a Movie that we watch (This Movie Should have been, a Sequel pitch or Alt movie) There was something like a version of Hercules in NY where it's revealed Pretzy has been hallucinating his imaginary friend the whole time and commits suicide at the end. Best Abuse of someone in the Crowd All-time hands-down winner is Adam Pally attempting to force an on-mic marriage proposal. Best Moment of Realization (Think Rudy from Reindeer Games moment) How about the slow-motion unfolding of "wait, so The Apple was a parable about Adam and Eve?"
  11. staircaseghost

    2nd ANNUAL HOWDIES - COMING SOON & WE NEED HELP

    Best Buns (Male) Stallone - Tango & Cash Russell - Tango & Cash Connery - Zardoz Travolta - Perfect Van Damme - Bloodsport Best Murder Committed by an Animal Sam Jackson monologue death - Deep Blue Sea Sodium Pentobarbitone injection - Monkeyshines (OK, I might volunteer to rewatch the Sharknados and write a one-sentence description of each kill you can read ahead of time then play back at 3x speed, chipmunk-style) Best Mathilda May Breast Mathilda May's left breast - Lifeforce Mathilda May's right breast - Lifeforce
  12. staircaseghost

    Episode 134 - Can't Stop the Music: LIVE!

    the people who agree with me are making some very good points
  13. staircaseghost

    Episode 131 - The Covenant

    Possible (and still upsetting). But they did do the CGI thing with Natalie Portman's butt in the different trailers for Your Highness.
  14. Deathstalker 2: Duel of the Titans I Come In Peace Hard To Kill Ator 3: The Iron Warrior The Sword & The Sorcerer
  15. staircaseghost

    Episode 131 - The Covenant

    Let's go back to the skirt-flipping scene for an OMISSION. In , the faceless skirt-flippee is wearing tiny black underwear. On the DVD, you get that same 1/8th of a second shot of faceless butt, sans-underwear. So I would ask our hosts and the fans which of the following is the most upsetting: 1) the thought of someone in post-production having to CGI panties ONTO a girl's butt 2) the thought of someone in post-production having to CGI panties OFF of a girl's butt 3) the fact that I noticed this 4) the fact that most of you pervo creeps who just heard about this are going to "fact check" me. You know... for research purposes.
  16. staircaseghost

    Episode 131 - The Covenant

    Oh my god yes. Let's talk about police in small-town New England ENGAGING IN A CLIFFSIDE HIGH-SPEED PURSUIT AT NIGHT to chase teenagers leaving a beach party WITH THE DEATHLY SERIOUSNESS OF CTU BREAKING UP AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST PLOT.
  17. staircaseghost

    EPISODE 124 - Hackers

    Tell me about it. I for one am outraged -- outraged!!!!! -- at the hosts' GLARING OMISSION of the fact that the alias Fisher Stevens uses when trying to escape on the plane is "Mr. Babbage", an obvious reference to Charles Babbage, inventor of the Difference Engine, a 19th century precursor to the modern computer. These clowns better get their act together. If the episode where they do the movie Steel doesn't have an ACTUAL bio-mechanically armored genius inventor from the African-American superhero community to set them straight, I am OUTTA HERE.
  18. staircaseghost

    EPISODE 124 - Hackers

    Also, solidarity with Jason regarding feeling germy when talking on the phone with sick people. If I'm talking to someone who's sniffling or coughing, I have to hold the phone away from my head, then wash it with at least a damp paper towel afterwards.
  19. staircaseghost

    EPISODE 124 - Hackers

    Hard-to-spot OMISSION: Apparently, the filmmakers cared as little about legal accuracy as they did about scientific and technical accuracy, as you can see in this screenshot from Fisher Stevens's computer when he's looking up the biography of our hero on the FBI database: Yes, the court case on the screen does start out talking about his parents Lauren and Bob Murphy's divorce in Washington State... but then it starts talking about stuff like the "full faith and credit clause", and "the comity doctrine" and other stuff that only tends to come up in international law jurisprudence. A quick search reveals the bulk of the text to be lifted from this case from a New York Appeals Court in 1994 about whether our legal system should recognize a divorce ruling from Soviet Ukraine between two Jewish immigrants -- with the movie characters names pasted in at the beginning. The result is just gibberish, the equivalent of showing the screen of someone "hacking" but it's just a picture of the Periodic Table, or a doctor looking at a patient's chart and it's the NASDAQ or something. It's nonsense, tee-to-bee. (oh, and a bonus OMISSION /slash note for aspiring screenwriters: this whole thing is a perfect example of a POINTLESS SCENE. First of all, why would Fisher Stevens need to hack the damn FBI database to find divorce records -- which are publicly available? He's already been in Johnny Lee Miller's bedroom and threatened him and his family with a baseball bat, but most importantly: what villain, in the whole history of ever, needs to commit a felony hack on a federal law enforcement computer in order to quote "discover" that threatening the hero's family members is a strong play?)
  20. staircaseghost

    EPISODE 123 - Lifeforce

    Glaring OMISSION: According to the intro, the "Nerva Drive" accelerates to give an Earth-like gravity for the duration of the trip, which means 32 ft. per second squared. That's ACCELERATION, not SPEED, meaning each and every second of the trip they're traveling 32 ft/s faster than they were the second before. Still with me? One of the crew (let's call him "Astronaut Horndog") says they've "been in space for six months". Six months at 1G acceleration means they're currently traveling at over 94,000 MILES per second, more than 0.5C. So even if they cut the engines and coast right after the opening scene, they would still zip right by Halley's Comet at MORE THAN HALF THE SPEED OF LIGHT!!! And yet, only minutes later, they're in a stable orbit around the comet, meaning they must have slammed the brakes and DE-CELERATED away all that speed thousands and thousands of times as fast as they accumulated it, instantly turning the entire crew into chunky salsa! So the omission here is, THIS MOVIE POSITS A "JACOB'S LADDER" SCENARIO WHEREIN ALL THE FANTASTICAL EVENTS IN THE STORY ACTUALLY TAKE PLACE INSIDE A HALLUCINATION IN THE DYING MOMENTS OF COLONEL TOM CARLSEN'S LIFE, INSTANTLY BEFORE HE BECOMES A SPACESUIT FULL OF PINK SPLOOGE AS A RESULT OF HIS TERRIBLE NAVIGATIONAL DECISIONS.
  21. staircaseghost

    EPISODE 112 — Jupiter Ascending

    OMISSION: While the hosts did briefly mention that Jupiter in this movie is a lot like "The One" in The Matrix, they also left out the parallels that: 1) in both movies, the main character isn't important because of what he or she does; they are the hero because of an accident of birth they had no control over, 2) in both movies, they are on the run from powerful alien beings who harvest humanity for our life-energies, 3) in both movies, everyone on earth except the main characters has no memory of the mass destruction wrought in the action scenes, giving the filmmakers an excuse to indulge juvenile fantasies of consequence-free violence. But -- and this one blew my mind: 4) BOTH MOVIES END ON THE EXACT SAME SHOT!!! The hero woooshes out over a cityscape using his or her new superpowers with a smug sense of superiority over all the "sheeple" who just don't get how awesome their messiah is, and who would be grateful for all the sacrifices made on their behalf, if they only knew...
  22. staircaseghost

    EPISODE 106 — Deep Blue Sea: LIVE!

    OMMISSION: Even if these three super-intelligent sharks escape into the wild... THEY'RE STILL JUST FUCKING SHARKS!!! They don't have opposable thumbs. There's only three of them. They don't have super-strength. They're only as hungry as any other shark, only as likely or unlikely to attack humans as any other shark, and only able to fit as many humans in their tum-tums as any other shark. So what, exactly, is the threat here? CORRECTION: Sharks do get cancer, and this has been known for decades, not "just discovered last year". http://blogs.scienti...ll-cure-cancer/ It's pure alt-med pseudoscience. Money quotes:
  23. in the amy schumer episode for the movie color of night the hosts ask why bruce willis couldn't see the crazy lady's deception right in front of him the whole time well it's because he's blind to the color red and her name is "rose"
  24. FACT: there are no French sharks. So why did no one notice that the title card wasn't "The End", it was... "FIN"
  25. staircaseghost

    Episode 54 — The Odd Life of Timothy Green

    When I heard Heidecker was the guest I just sort of assumed he would take up at least half the episode making that comparison.
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