Jump to content
🔒 The Earwolf Forums are closed Read more... ×

xoValeriexo

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Content count

    609

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    27

Posts posted by xoValeriexo

  2. Posted

     

    He positioned over the commode and settled in, amusing himself by reading the graffiti that canvassed the stall. “For a good time call Agata” the phone number long since scrawled off. “Honlads wuz here” and “Skizelo Rulz” framed a crude effigy of Jesus giving Muhammad a dirty sanchez. Sean giggled to himself. This would be his last laugh tonight…

    Suddenly the bathroom door creaked open noisily and an unfamiliar voice echoed against the tile walls, “ Hellooo, anybody in here?” Sean did not answer. He was in the middle of pinching off a loaf and has tremendous social anxiety about how his poop smells. Instead he silently lifted his fine Italian leather loafers out of sight, his butt cheeks resting on the cold plastic toilet seat as he privately cringed in disgust.

    The mystery voice whispered something inaudibly and two figures gleefully entered the room. The stall next to him was suddenly occupied by four feet all pointing in the same direction.

     

    This is fucking amazing. I was laughing so hard reading it. The parts I quoted above were my top #1 favorites, but if I'm being honest (which I am) it's all favorites.

    • Like 5

  3. Posted

    The forum meet-up is tonight, Sean thought while driving his fancy car at an unsafe speed down the freeway. Sean was afraid to be excited about the meet-up because he didn’t want to feel the familiar sting of disappointment. Actually, Sean was rather unfamiliar with disappointment – he’s very successful in all ways –but somehow he knew disappointment wouldn’t feel good. He rolled his window down and let the crisp breeze slap his face back into reality. This isn’t about me. This is about all of us. Sean looked over to the passenger’s seat where Hayes looked lost in thought. I wonder if he’s as afraid as I am, thought Sean. Sean reached his hand over to squeeze Hayes’ dick. Hayes’ body quickly responded with an erection, but Hayes’ mind told him to save his boner for later. Sean could see in his eyes that he wasn’t up for a cum sesh just yet. Fine, thought Sean, be that way. I’m gonna hook-up with all the forum hotties tonight anyway, so screw you.

     

    Great, now Sean’s pissed at me, thought Hayes, pulling at his jeans to get his sticky balls off of his leg. A few hairs were roughly yanked out and Hayes felt like screaming, but he knew his pain would make Sean smile and he didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. “I hope Chanson will be there.” Why is Sean ignoring me, thought Hayes, I just want to save my boner for later. “Do you think Chanson will be there?” “I don’t fucking know, Hayes, why don’t you ask my fucking blue balls?” Hayes chose to disregard Sean’s cruel comment. “I wonder if the dj will be any good. I hope he plays a lot of 80s buttrock that we can all jokingly dance to. That would be so funny.” Sean didn’t laugh, but Hayes knew he thought it would be funny too.

     

    Inside the convention hall where the forum meet-up is taking place there are literally thousands of forum members already there. Michael Bay of Pigs is hitting on the bartender “Then I commented ‘Papa Smurf getting a Pap Smear, so rando!’ and got three likes.” The bartender is surprisingly unimpressed. Michael Bay of Pigs bristles and says, “Fuck you anyway, I got a big ol’ dick.” The bartender calls him back over, but he’s already gone. Over at the snack table, Greggy and Freja are sharing a puff pastry filled with cream cheese. “These are so good”, Freja says. Greggy responds, “I brought the cream cheese from home. It’s one third the fat of regular cream cheese.” Freja kisses Greggy on the mouth and they continue to mouth kiss for a good hour, only stopping to take bites of cream cheese puffs. In the corner Tim Treese is finger fucking his own asshole while burdrulz watches from the shadows. This is going exactly as I planned, thinks The Narnold aka Skrimps.

     

    Sean and Hayes enter the convention center, fashionably late and fashionably dressed. At the exact moment they enter The Beastie Boys’ “(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party)” starts playing. “What up? What up?” yells Hayes. God, he’s trying so hard to seem cool, thinks Sean. “What up? What up?” yells Sean. Everyone thinks I look so cool, thinks Sean. Hayes quickly scans the room, searching for Chanson. He’s nowhere to be found. A single tear falls down Hayes’ cheek and he quickly wipes it away and yells “Let’s do this!” but his voice cracks and it’s kind of awkward and sad. Sean gives him a pat on the butt and mean-whispers “Get it together, dillhole.” Hayes runs into the bathroom sobbing. Inside the bathroom Hayes hears another person crying. He looks under the stalls but doesn’t see any feet. “Is someone in here?” “Huh? Hayes?” Chanson steps out of the stall, his mascara running down his face. “You came?” “Yeah.. and you’re about to.” Chanson takes Hayes’ butt into his hands. Hayes likes it. Hayes kisses Chanson on the head (of his dick) and says “I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life.” “Ditto” says Chanson, just like that cute scene from that movie I can’t remember ‘cause I never saw it. They fuck. Hard. In the main convention hall, Bruce Reid Robinson II says, “Hey, where’s Veebs?” Joe McGurl says simply “Diarrhea.” They kiss. Hard.

     

    Years later, Hayes and Chanson are regaling their biological grandchildren with this story. The kids’ ears are perked up and they can’t believe how lucky they are to be the second generation offspring of these two men, thanks to science. “Everyone fell in love that night. I’d like to think we’re all soulmates, on some level. All of us forum folk found each other at the exact moment we needed to. And without those forums we never could’ve had you beautiful grandkids who we inexplicably got to name.” Teenaged Erika Thompson, tween JeffreyParties, 5th grader showshowbro, kindergartner OcterDoctopus, and baby AndyKneis are all satisfied with the story. Inquisitive little Toby Keith Sweat, however, chirps “Grandpa, Grandpa, was the dj good like you wanted?” Hayes looks at Chanson and smiles. “I don’t know, precious little one, we were too busy fucking.”

     

    RIP Sean. He killed himself, but no one cared, not even his mom.

    • Like 24

  6. Posted

    Andy, I just finished reading all your Cracked articles. They're great! The very last thing I read might be my favorite part of all of them: "They were awful and vicious, you see, so there was some ironic appeal to naming them essentially 'the kittens.' It's like calling a big man 'tiny' or, more accurately, it's like calling 'rapist murdering war criminals' a bunch of 'sexy cats.'

    • Like 3

  7. Posted

    Showshowbro – I don’t know Eli Braden personally, no, I’m just a fan. We’re friends on fb though, which is more than I can say about some of the people on these forums, ya know? He’s responsible for a lot of songs that are on Stern. I don’t listen to that show, but I’ve heard a lot of his songs and they’re ridiculously good and funny.

     

    Tim Treese – Thank-you! Honlads isn’t my bff anymore, now it’s you!

     

    Michael Bay of Pigs – My Tumblr name is a little scary: genuinehorror.tumblr.com Hope I didn’t give you the willies. Here’s the link to the House of Cards thing specifically: http://genuinehorror.tumblr.com/day/2014/02/20/

     

    AndyKneis – Yeah, I’ve written quite a few specs, but I’m not 100% comfortable with formatting and story structure yet. Your Parks & Rec spec is really good. Super funny! Obviously (from the presence of Mark), it’s an old spec. What have you written recently?

     

    I’ve decided to just put a bunch of my writing online, so you can all choose what you want to read. I have multiple specs (Comedy Bang! Bang!, Girls, and Workaholics) and sketches here now: http://www.scribd.com/ValerieBryant

    • Like 8

  10. Posted

    Great pic this week, you guys!

     

    bFn9YBO.jpg

     

    Wait a sec. Computer, enhance sector G2.

     

    Z9SS8rn.jpg

     

    Enhance...

     

    K6Q2ZIS.jpg

     

    What the... Computer, upgrade the bitmat RGB, and can i get a lock on the pixel radius?

     

    JbjzIS0.jpg

     

    Good lord, what the fu... Wha... Enhance.

     

    xs2suO3.jpg

     

    Oh my god.

     

    Edit: I need a job.

     

    Anton, enhance.

     

    This is amazing and you are my best friend now. Sorry to whoever I said was my best friend before. I don't even remember you.

    • Like 8

  14. Posted

     

    That happens a lot actually. Like this one time this guy who had a crush on me swung for the fences on my birthday and bought me a package of Swiss Miss and wrote "Just like the old country! :)" on it. I didn't say anything because I pretend I'm a nice person to most ppl but it was kinda awk at the time. Anyway, now he's married to an American Idol reject and posts daily Obamacare rants on FB and I live alone with my cat so overall everyone's doing pretty good now

     

    So he's definitely not married to Taylor Hicks then.

    • Like 8

  18. Posted

    questions for dj novak

     

    Holy shit, are you serious? I don't have a question r2g, but maybe someone would like to co-write one with me? I'll start: Hey BJ, you went to an Ivy League school, do you think you're better than me?

     

    Damn it, that didn't work. Let's try again.

     

    Maybe we could mad lib it? BJ, you wrote a NOUN that was ADJECTIVE and it VERB WITH "ED" my whole shit up. How do you get into the ADJECTIVE NOUN?

    • Like 8

  19. Posted

    I agree with skiz electric light orchestra that you guys should be tru 2 u sometimes. I wanted to hear about Sean's tooth from his genuine whiny voice rather than his cool dude persona. I also was v upset when you mentioned The Voice in the beginning because some reality is just what this show show is missing. Can we get a reality show segment? Or a Sean and Hayes keep it real segment? It sounds stupid, but I miss you guys. Don't b mad @ me.

     

    You make me come. You make me complete. You make me completely miserable.

    • Like 8

  22. Posted

    A friend of mine lost her twin a few years ago, so I was curious to see if this would be a good episode to recommend to her. I kind of felt like there wasn't enough discussion on what Megan went through. How did her parents react? What was it like at school? What exactly was the effect on the town? It's so rare to find someone who has lost a twin, I wish I could've heard more of her story.

  23. Posted

    Once again I think I missed the cutoff to ask questions so this one isn't for JM but rather for the Hollywood Heads:

     

    Fuck Marry Kill: Engineer Edition

     

    Engineer Brett

    Engineer Cody

    Engineer Sam

     

    My F is obviously Engineer Sam because he rides a motorcycle, but I'm still undecided on my M and K. Will take the weekend to think about it.

     

    I don't really know enough about any of them to make a big decision like this. I could really only answer confidently if I'd spent time living with them, so maybe a better question for me is FMK my mom, my dad, and my brother. F my brother, obviously, 'cuz he's very attractive (and married which only makes it hotter lol I'm so bad), M my mom 'cuz she's a giving person and I can tell she cares about me a lot, K my dad because he has a bit of an attitude problem.

    • Like 12

  24. Posted

    I used my free audible promo forever ago for something that wasn't HH (sorry, Hayes, sorry not sorry, Sean) and I got Sarah Silverman's The Bedwetter. Just thought you guys might like to hear about me for once.

     

    Oh, um, can we just talk about periods for a sec? I had the WORST cramps today and I finally understood why Montel Williams contemplated killing himself because of fibromyalgia pain.

    • Like 11
×