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xoValeriexo

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Posts posted by xoValeriexo

  8. Posted

    I tried to bring you into the fold, you dumb son of a bitch! I'm Valerie Bryant! I posted on the very first episode of Reality Show Show! Do you know what it means to be accepted by me?! It means you're probably sad or an orphan or pretending to have a crush on me. I can't resist that shit. But you know what I can resist? Stupidity. Goodbye forever, you pathetic glass of orange juice with too many fucking oranges around it.

    • Like 26

  11. Posted

    Spunky, I definitely want to join your anti-gang league, but I agree with my good friend SteveH that we have to change the name. My suggestion is to add "naughty" in there. Forumers Against Naughty Gangs. I don't think any of us would claim to be against a good gang, like say The Buttercream Gang. It's important to have specificity in a group title. It could even work as Forumers Against Naughty Gargoyle Gangs if our primary aim is to take down the Boyz.

    • Like 14

  13. Posted

    Hayes stands in front of the mirror adjusting his tie. This is the third tie he’s worn tonight and he still isn’t sure he’s made the right choice. He looks over at Sean for approval. Sean shrugs. Everything Hayes does is “good enough” for Sean. Nothing is great, nothing is awful, it just is. He can’t live like this anymore, but he doesn’t know how to tell Sean he’s moving on, that he’s already moved on. Hayes looks in the mirror again. Everything he sees reminds him of Sean. His blonde hair that Sean brushes off of his forehead to give him a comforting peck. His red beard Sean nuzzles into before they go to bed. His beautiful eyes of indeterminate color that Sean never really takes notice of. But he’s moving on. He no longer belongs to Sean, he belongs to A Bear now.

     

    Sean sits on the bed while Hayes gets ready. Sean is anxious about tonight’s dinner with all of the Hollywood Handbook forumers. He can tell Hayes is worried, insecure like when they first met. Sean is feeling like a ball of nerves himself when Hayes turns to him for reassurance. Sean looks into the face of the man he loves, the man he’s sacrificed it all to be with, and he shrugs. He doesn’t want Hayes to catch wind of anything. This night is going to be perfect, thinks Sean. Today in front of God and all of the Handbookheads, I’m going to ask Hayes to be my podcast brother for life. It looks like Hayes has finally settled on a tie. He’s chosen the tie with the teddy bear on it that Sean got him for Christmas. This is perfect, thinks Sean, all that’s standing between me and the man I love is a bear.

     

    Sean and Hayes arrive at the dining hall in their carriage at exactly 9pm. Dinner has just begun and it feels as though they’ve come at the perfect time. The guests are all talking with one another playfully and no one is left out. Devscoots, A Bear, Jakal, and Chanson are sitting at one end of the table taking turns throwing pieces of bread into each other’s mouths and high-fiving when a morsel is caught. Sillylillyquee is drawing on the table in crayon like they do at Macaroni Grill. Game of Scones is singing opera in Italian to Colt Barton and Gym Sockerman like they do at Macaroni Grill. Chefszki and Blink are debating whether or not a train conductor gets paid extra to wear the hat. And Houston is describing all of the options for the Build-Your-Own Pasta Bowl to Robotam like they do at Macaroni Grill. As soon as the guests notice the hosts with the mosts have arrived, they begin to clap wildly.

     

    Hayes is uncomfortable on the ride over to the banquet hall. It was Sean’s idea to hire a carriage and Hayes didn’t have the heart to tell him that carriage rides hurt his butt. We all make sacrifices for the ones we love. “But who am I making sacrifices for now?” Hayes wonders. There isn’t time to question things anymore. They arrive at the dinner and the moment the doors open Hayes’ eyes land on A Bear. Hayes smiles bigger than he has in months. He notices Sean is looking over at him. Hayes wonders if Sean knows the smile isn’t for him. He looks back at A Bear and sees that he’s smiling too, in fact he’s smiling wider than he’s ever seen him smile. Even with a mouth full of bread, A Bear’s pearly whites light up a room. But that smile isn’t for me, Hayes realizes. Hayes blinks back tears as the answer reveals itself in his mind: Chanson.

     

    Riding to the banquet hall in the back of the carriage, Sean fiddles with the ring in his pocket. He hopes Hayes doesn’t notice how nervous he is. How could he? Bouncing along on the cobblestone road, bump after bump Hayes groans with excitement. This night is going exactly as Sean has planned it. As they step into the banquet ball, Sean looks over at Hayes expecting to see his blue or green eyes light up. But instead Sean sees Hayes smiling his most sincere smile while gazing at a forumer with a maw full of dinner roll. Sean’s heart sinks. He doesn’t have to love me; he owes me nothing. Then Sean hears a soulful, Italian melody, but where it is coming from? Could it be it’s coming from Game of Scones? He wonders why he’s never noticed him before, but perhaps he’s found him at precisely the right time. Sean fiddles again with the ring in his pocket, this time wondering what he should do with it.

     

    Hours have passed and the party is winding down. The guests are full of buttered cutlets, scalloped filets, and pulverized ramps. Sean and Hayes have been separated all night, each going their own way only to find themselves together again at the head of the table. A Bear is nowhere to be found, and there is a pile of saliva-soaked bread pieces on the seat he once warmed. Chanson is gone as well. Crumbs litter his empty chair and his napkin has a coat of butter on it. Jakal sits crying into Devscoots’ shoulder. Sometimes a hard night can take down even the best of us. Hayes sits silently by Sean, one hand on his knee in somber acceptance. Sean stands up to give a toast, and as he clinks his glass Game of Scones enters the hall singing the most beautiful version of Dru Hill’s How Deep Is Your Love, Hayes’ second favorite song. Sean gets down on one knee and says “Hayzie Bone, will you be my podcast bro for life?” Hayes looks at Sean’s face so full of hope, then he looks to A Bear’s empty chair. His eyes, puffy from crying, peer into Sean’s as he says “Yes.” The guests explode in applause and cheers of congratulations. “How do you feel?” asks Sean. Hayes doesn’t speak, he only smiles. “Good enough,” thinks Sean.

    • Like 50

  15. Posted

    F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

     

    "The One With the Cereal"

     

    INT. Niall and Dandler's apartment - Day

     

    Niall is sitting on his recliner watching hardcore pornography.

     

    Dandler enters the apartment carrying a bag of groceries. He is wearing cargo shorts, a colorful tank top, and flip flops.

     

    Dandler begins putting the groceries away.

     

    Niall: Did you buy the cereal I like? The one with the hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons, pots of golden rainbows, and the red balloons?

     

    Dandler: You should really learn the name, it'll save you upwards of two years of your life. Years that I imagine you'll spend watching preggo porn.

     

    Niall turns around in his chair.

     

    Niall: Are you saying I get off on spaghetti sauce?

     

    The audience laughs. They can't believe Niall loves pregnancy porn so much yet he doesn't know the colloquial term for it.

     

    Dandler: Your cereal's waiting for you if you can just tell me the name of it.

     

    Dandler holds the cereal box up with one hand covering the name.

     

    Niall: Fruit Loops

     

    Dandler: Wrong, it's-

     

    Niall: No, you. You're a fruit loop. Look at that outfit. You want to have sex with men now?

     

    Dandler: Niall...

     

    Niall: No, it's true. You're wearing flips flops, you're wearing bright colors, you're showing off your legs. You're a homosexual!

     

    Dandler: Enough, Niall. That's enough. These jokes are offensive and they aren't funny. You need to open your mind and also maybe try to come up with some original material.

     

    Niall: Does everyone feel this way?

     

    Ross pops up from behind the tv holding a blonde child.

     

    Ross: I do, bro-ntonosaurus. And so does my son, Ben, who is a big part of my life.

     

    Sandra comes out of the oven.

     

    Sandra: So do I, Niall. And, my god, would you clean your oven? I mean, I love that it's dirty because then I get to clean it and I love cleaning, but boy am I annoyed.

     

    Ian pops out of the sofa.

     

    Ian: I am also a character on the show who doesn't appreciate the jokes. Maybe Gunther? Or Tom Selleck, who really maybe was even better for Monica than Dandler is.

     

    Erica comes out of the bathroom. She looks G-O-O-D.

     

    Erica: I'm the pretty one and the cool one.

     

    Niall: What do you think of the gay jokes, Erica?

     

    Erica: I work at Ralph Lauren.

     

    Dandler: Focus.

     

    Erica: I used to be married to Brad Pitt.

     

    Dandler: Alright, Erica, you've done enough.

     

    Erica: There's a haircut named after me.

     

    Niall looks around for another friend to pop out of some unpredictable location.

     

    Niall: Where's Feeby?

     

    Dandler: She killed herself.

     

    Niall: Because of my jokes?

     

    Dandler: No. Remember her mom shot herself? It often happens that way.. survivor's guilt, what's good enough for mom is good enough for me, and just general depression.

     

    Niall is considering something. He looks upset.

     

    Niall: Can I still make jokes about when Sandra was fat?

     

    Dandler: Of course. She made the choice to be fat, there's no reason not to make fun of her. But being gay isn't a choice. Do you see the difference? Do you understand why you need to stop making gay jokes?

     

    Niall rubs his chin. He's really mulling it over. He has a lot to think about. Finally it clicks.

     

    Niall: Lucky Charms!

     

    The group laughs and goes back to the way things used to be, before they questioned Niall's jokes. It can be hard to change, and it can be even harder to put your friendship on the line in order to make a friend change. Who is he really hurting anyway? It's probably fine, right?

    • Like 32

  17. Posted

    I listened to the professor blastoff best of 2014 ep and oh boy was it a corker. Kyle doing the body rap had me nearly crying, and the mother meditation was hilarious as well.

     

    First time listening to PB and god dammit now I have another pcast to listen to every week.

     

    Have you seen Kyle on Inside Amy Schumer as the Criss Angel type magician? It's wonderful.

    • Like 5

  24. Posted

    “Howdy neighbor.” Tim turned around, surprised to see his neighbor, Wilson, looking over his fence at him. “Wilson, you scared me.” “I didn’t mean to frighten you, Tim. I just wanted to let you know there’s a hole in the fence.” Tim looked around the fence for a hole. When he found it, he also found Wilson’s hard cock sticking through it. Tim didn’t want to stare, but he couldn’t help it. “It’s okay, you don’t have to pretend, Tim.” Tim gulped, Wilson was on to him. Had he heard him singing their song? Every time there was a neighborhood barbecue, Wilson would play Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” just to make Tim laugh. It stopped being funny after a while though, and it had become something he cherished, something he yearned for in the night. When he was missing Wilson, he would sing to himself, “Celebrate good times, come on.” Now Wilson was here, almost as if he’d heard the mating call. “Tim, this dick isn’t going to jerk itself off.” “What if Jill sees us?” “She’s at the grocery store, she won’t be back for hours.” Tim thought about his boys. What would they think of him if they knew what he was up to with their neighbor? He wasn’t worried about Brad, Brad was strong. Randy would be okay too, he was smart. But what about little Mark? His emotions have been out of control lately. He’s beginning to wear all black and experimenting with eyeliner. What would this love affair do to Mark? Tim couldn’t help himself – he reached for Wilson’s dick and gave it a firm tug. Wilson was yanked up against the fence, hard. He groaned in pain, which only made Tim more turned on. Tim lubed up his hand with Binford’s car wax and began tugging away. He imagined his hand was Mario Andretti and Wilson’s hard-on was the race track. Tim sped down the track as fast as his car would take him. Just as Wilson was coming, Tim felt himself ready to blow too. He grunted, “Hoh oh hoh.” Then he heard a familiar voice say “Tim?” He turned around, he saw eyes filled with tears, hands shaking, flannelled chest heaving. “Al…” But it was too late. Al had seen everything and he would surely tell his family about his rendezvous with the chiseled-bodied Wilson. Nothing could repair this old house. Not even Bob Vila himself.

    • Like 25

  25. Posted

    Remember when you were a kid and you looked up to Steve Urkel? You saw him as a hero, a mentor, and a friend. The only way you could get through the week was to take him with you everywhere you went in the form of his famous catchphrase, "Did I do that?" You ate your entire personal pan pizza. Did I do that? You stepped on a piece of chewed gum. Did I do that? You did another thing. Did I do that?

     

    Remember how cool Uncle Jesse was? "Is there any way for me to be that cool?" you'd ask yourself. So you grew out your hair, bought a guitar, and started hanging out with The Beach Boys, but it still wasn't right. Then suddenly it clicked. You can't have Uncle Jesse without also having mercy. Capisce?

     

    If you've found your identity through means other than mimicking your favorite character, I feel sorry for you. Sure, there's something to be learned from childhood experiences, those things that shape us and give us a sense of self. But the first time you masturbated doesn't have a catchphrase.

     

    You know what does?

     

     

     

    Hollywood Handbook.

    • Like 32
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