Bang me once, shame on you. Bang me twice, now that's some comedy.

[Bang me once, shame on you. Bang me twice, now that's some comedy.]

Bang me once, shame on you. Bang me twice, now that's some comedy.

[As we look out upon the infinite sea, and the sun sinks slowly in the west, one can almost hear the wind whisper, "Bang Bang".]

As we look out upon the infinite sea, and the sun sinks slowly in the west, one can almost hear the wind whisper, "Bang Bang".

[What? Huh? Oh, right, the show. I should probably get around to recording that.]

What? Huh? Oh, right, the show. I should probably get around to recording that.

[A barrel of laughs would be way cheaper if they'd just let us drill for them domestically.]

A barrel of laughs would be way cheaper if they'd just let us drill for them domestically.

[You'd probably be surprised to find out just how much I love the sound of my own voice.]

You'd probably be surprised to find out just how much I love the sound of my own voice.

[If I called you an asshole, would you still call me a friend?]

If I called you an asshole, would you still call me a friend?

[I can't believe this still needs to be said, but please, do not hit the horse while the show is in motion.]

I can't believe this still needs to be said, but please, do not hit the horse while the show is in motion.

[When your dog dies on a Monday morning, there aren't many other places you can take him.]

When your dog dies on a Monday morning, there aren't many other places you can take him.

[If you're gonna eat all of that bread anyway, why not eat the basket, too?]

If you're gonna eat all of that bread anyway, why not eat the basket, too?

[Our top story tonight: Wizened Wizard Tears Teen in Twain. But first, this week's weather forecast!]

Our top story tonight: Wizened Wizard Tears Teen in Twain. But first, this week's weather forecast!

[Why do today what will almost assuredly be seen as inconsequential when history looks back upon it?]

Why do today what will almost assuredly be seen as inconsequential when history looks back upon it?