Mister Malaka

I guess you can say I'm a bit of a Spider-Man. Daddy likes long legs.

Horse wrangler by day. Wrangler jeans wearing, Jeep Wrangler driver by night.

As far as characters go, I consider Donkey to be mediocre and Shrek to be a meaty Ogre.

On a somber note, I regret to inform you that Ben Stein has passed away today. On a side note, who will Win Ben Stein's Money?!

Suddenly, Susan struck a match and lit her Friends, Will and Grace, Under Fire.

Day 323 in the Hunt for Red October. Resources are dwindling. Many good men have fallen. Why did we start this mission in November?

With more determination and poise than ever, destined for greatness, Sisqo released his new comeback single, "Asscrack Track"

My ideal woman would have to have a head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. The more knees and toes, the better!

How "great" can the Great Barrier Reef really be if it needs to have the word - oh shit my favorite movie, The Amazing Spider-Man, is on TV right now!!

Jonathan Taylor Thomas' tailor, Jonathan, tailored Thomas' pants.

Fosters: Australian for not your real parents.

Before you dress for the job you want, not the job you have, be sure to consult your work's dress code.

I said you have a face that only a mother can love, not a mother that you make love to her face.

Michael Phelps is the most decorated Olympian. I want to see his interior decorations, if you know what I mean.

I'll scratch your back, if you keep scratching that record Mr. DJ.

Take me to CHURCH...'s chicken 'cause I am hungry for food. I hate to say it but I'm nervous in that neighborhood. I could really USE some chicken now

Retrace your steps by following your hunch, Detective Quasimodo.

Just a friendly reminder to everyone. Please send all of your Would You Rather scenarios to my Twitter, @ScottAukerman.

I've never had a problem with my bicycle. Spokes too soon.

I beat my kid who beat up your kid who beat up an honor student.

I had a bad case of word vomit yesterday. I knew I shouldn't have eaten all that alphabet soup in one sitting.

A-door-able

My tutor from two doors down, who loves Two Door Cinema Club and Three Doors Down, went door to door asking if people watched The Tudors.

Did I do that's gotta hurt me, hurt me love you long time to make the donuts, mmmmmmmm donuts.

With all the neighs, no motions ever get passed when the Horse of Representatives convene.