Mister Malaka

Granny Smith is golden delicious, if you know what I mean.

There's vomit on his sweater today, Mom's souffle.

This beat is off the hook! Actually, now that I think about it. This hook is offbeat. Sounds horrible.

Bark. Meow. Tweet. Ribbit. That's just a preview of the hidden track from The Beach Boys on their Pet Sounds 50th Anniversary album.

Alfalfa is a little rascal. Gary LeVox is a Rascal Flatt. Darla is a flat little rascal.

Become a tightrope walker in the hood and you'll never have to buy another pair of shoes again.

If I didn't know any better, The King Of Queens sounds like a show that would have been on Bravo.

Ladies love Ladies Love Cool J, because ladies love watching Ladies Love Cool J lick his lady loving lips.

The bartender cut me off last night. He then gave me a free drink, because he felt guilty about being an aggressive driver.

Sully likes his women like he likes to land planes. With no landing strip in sight.

Metal might be a good conductor, but Bob is a great one. He lets me ride the train for free.

I just joined Kris KrossFit. It's nothing special. I still put my pants on backwards one leg at a time, just like everyone else.

You can call me Mister Robot Malaka

I don't have to be a hacker to know your IP address is in your toilet.

The card are all on the table now. I'm calling your bluff, son. I see your manners and I raised you well.

You say Clamato Juice. I say get that nasty drink out of my face.

Leave me home alone once, shame on you. Leave me home alone twice, shame on me. Leave me home alone three times, get a completely different cast.

Stay tuned for the series finale of Men Of A Certain Age, where we finally find out for certain what age these men are.

Little Richard, get out of the shower! The concert starts in 2 minutes. Just dry your body, there's no time for anything else.

Legend says that James Gandolfini was the offspring of Gandalf the Grey and Mr. Feeny.

My orthopoopbutt surgeon and I had a good laugh when we noticed that the word orthopedic has 'pee' and 'dick' in it.

Moe, Larry, and Curly, are you ready? Cameras rolling in...Five. Four. Three's. Two. Jizz.

Doctor, can you double knot my tubes this time around? My tubes keep coming untied and I have all these kids to show for it.

You, me and Dupree know that "You, Me and Dupree" is based on Jermaine Dupri, but Dupree don't know that you and me know about Jermaine Dupri.

My city was recently diagnosed with Rite Aids.