JordanMaywood

Nail Bottomed Fish hate Hammer Head Sharks.

I love Brazilian cow meat delivered with two day free shipping from a popular online retailer. The Amazon's Amazon Prime Amazon Prime Rib.

In 1956 sales of red suede shoes plummeted...

I know its a bit of a cliche but I am always finding blueberries in the hat of my pet emu....

Back in my day the "Dark Web" was when spiders made cobwebs in our root cellars!

I have a melon baller but where can I find a grape baller?

I, Scott Aukerman, being of sounds mind and hair, do hereby declare that this is officially, now and forevermore, the last remaining catch phrase we will ever need: Tits.

You haven't lived until you have had Chicken Caviar.

Got a delivery for you . Looks like you ordered a case of The Mondays!?

Jamaican me crazy Botswana get help for this crippling mental issue...

Little known fact. In Britain there exists 1000 pubs for every 1 pubs,

I got 88 problems but time travel ain't one. 　 I got 42 problems but the meaning of life ain't one.

I'm starting a B52's cover band called "Love Shed."

As far as I am concerned the only "rescue" animals are Chip & Dale and the rest of the Rescue Rangers.

Hawaiian Punch is fine but I much prefer Delawarean Punch

They said my pill to make you deaf to the sounds of laughter would never work but who's laughing now!?

Watch me trot. Watch me neigh neigh.

Why is it always "Attorney at Law"? Can you be an "Attorney at Hamburgers" and if so sign me up!

Back in my day Buzzfeed was mixing in some coffee beans with the grain we gave our livestock!

When asked if I could break into any safe I said I was like a saltine with rounded edges. A Safe Cracker.

Good News. Crazy News. I have a lot of body hair but none of it is mine.

I imagine that Terry Crews fans are called Terry's Crews.

When i go to the beach I actually wear a plantain hammock.

This ain't your grand pappy's CRISPR Genome Editing!

I am writing an etiquette book on the eating of melted cheese called "Fondues and Fondont's"