JordanMaywood

We were so poor growing up that none of our tuxedos had tails, we had to share monocles and worst of all we had to wear bottom hats!

I blame the poor sales of Rice Soggies on the mascots Squish, Crumpled and Plop!

It's not delivery its D'C-section

Mick Jagger took it pretty hard when he was told he had to get rid of his moss collection.

"Muppets Take Manhattan" was OK but I would more highly recommend "Muppets Take Heroin."

Spread Eagle is MUCH different than Eagle Spread....

I dislike my people how I dislike the graves I am buried in how I dislike my diving pools how I dislike my movies with a "Hal" in them.... #Shallow

There once was a Scientist named "Nye", 　 He will often wear a bow tie. 　 To climate change deniers, 　 He will call them all liars,　 And Creationists cause him to sigh.

Any place you put a safe is a safe space.

I remember I was DYING for some Red Bull and everyone was teasing me by not giving me any...Gave me a bad case of Blue Bulls...

Your time is like a computer animated movie with the saddest beginning ever! Up!

Golfers bring Golf Clubs to Golf Clubs which is why I had to stop playing...

Turns out that Nick Cannon has actually been on the run since he escaped from Prison in '99! You could say he is *takes of glasses* a loose Cannon.

He may be the Cake Boss but he still puts his cake pants on one leg at a time...

Yo' Mama so poor she can only afford squeeze limos!

Pro-Tip:When you have to do a boring work project on the quarterly cost analyses of sales in eastern Delaware, title the file "Project X" and it will seem more fun

I am actually 3 legit so am able to quit if I so desire.

Wouldn't the devil have come UP to Georgia?

You can scallop a potato but you can't potato a scallop which I don't think is fair.

I hear Herbie the Love Bug is writing and auto-autobiography OR I hear Lightning McQueen is writing and auto-autobiography.

Back in my day "hackers" lived in jungles and used their machetes to help clear paths for Indiana Jones!

My milk-shake even brings the lactose intolerant boys to the yard which I think you will admit is pretty impressive.

Strange smell in your house that you can't find!? Call Scott Aukerman. Private Nose.

I bought myself a Ronco 4000 and I set it but now I can not remember where it is....

The best porn directors will make sure everything runs like clockwork.