spaceball87

Not that I'm not super excited for this ep

Oh God please Mulaney next week

Matt Damon's girlfriend ain't too happy about his lack of commitment. Apparently, she's given him a Bourne Ultimatum.

I think I'm madly in love with Lauren Lapkus

I don't like pranks. I think they're stupid, immature, and not funny... Haha, gotcha, I actually like pranks.

Maybe if Pol Pot had given his son a silly name like Jack Pot history might not have judged him so harshly for the whole genocide thing

I put my iPhone on Airplane mode, but when I threw it out the window it didn’t fly very far at all.

You won't find this fact in the history books, but my grandfather basically single-handedly won World War II -- because his other hand got blown off.

I hate how the word "Nazi" is applied to everyone these days. I think it makes us forget just how horrific the crimes of the grammar Nazis were.

The scariest moment of my life was when I fell down an elevator shaft. Luckily, though, my fall was slowed by the fact that I was inside a correctly-functioning elevator.

Did you know that while it takes over 20,000 joints to overdose on marijuana, it only takes one cliff to overdose on jumping? Think about THAT the next time you jump.

I tried to rob a bank once, but my plot was foiled when a police officer slipped on a banana peel, causing me to laugh, because unfortunately my bulletproof vest was not made to protect me from bullets made of comedy gold.

People tend to forget about the other album U2 released in 1984, "The Forgettable Fire"

Most people don't realize "Al Hitchcock" was only the nickname of the famous film director -- his real name was Al Hitchpenis!

Ever since I've heard you're supposed to "dress for the job you want," I've been walking around in a hand costume