Episode 312 — Grounded Me@

[Episode 312 — Grounded Me@]

Not that I'm not super excited for this ep

[Episode 312 — Grounded Me@]

Oh God please Mulaney next week

[Matt Damon's girlfriend ain't too happy about his lack of commitment. Apparently, she's given him a Bourne Ultimatum.]

Matt Damon's girlfriend ain't too happy about his lack of commitment. Apparently, she's given him a Bourne Ultimatum.

[Episode 283 — The 5th Anniversary Show!]

I think I'm madly in love with Lauren Lapkus

[I don't like pranks. I think they're stupid, immature, and not funny... Haha, gotcha, I actually like pranks.]

I don't like pranks. I think they're stupid, immature, and not funny... Haha, gotcha, I actually like pranks.

[Maybe if Pol Pot had given his son a silly name like Jack Pot history might not have judged him so harshly for the whole genocide thing]

Maybe if Pol Pot had given his son a silly name like Jack Pot history might not have judged him so harshly for the whole genocide thing

[I put my iPhone on Airplane mode, but when I threw it out the window it didn’t fly very far at all.]

I put my iPhone on Airplane mode, but when I threw it out the window it didn’t fly very far at all.

[You won't find this fact in the history books, but my grandfather basically single-handedly won World War II -- because his other hand got blown off.]

You won't find this fact in the history books, but my grandfather basically single-handedly won World War II -- because his other hand got blown off.

[I hate how the word "Nazi" is applied to everyone these days. I think it makes us forget just how horrific the crimes of the grammar Nazis were.]

I hate how the word "Nazi" is applied to everyone these days. I think it makes us forget just how horrific the crimes of the grammar Nazis were.

[The scariest moment of my life was when I fell down an elevator shaft...]

The scariest moment of my life was when I fell down an elevator shaft.

 

Luckily, though, my fall was slowed by the fact that I was inside a correctly-functioning elevator.

[Did you know that while it takes over 20,000 joints to overdose on marijuana, it only takes one cliff to overdose on jumping?]

Did you know that while it takes over 20,000 joints to overdose on marijuana, it only takes one cliff to overdose on jumping? Think about THAT the next time you jump.

[I tried to rob a bank once...]

I tried to rob a bank once, but my plot was foiled when a police officer slipped on a banana peel, causing me to laugh, because unfortunately my bulletproof vest was not made to protect me from bullets made of comedy gold.

[People tend to forget about the other album U2 released in 1984, "The Forgettable Fire"]

People tend to forget about the other album U2 released in 1984, "The Forgettable Fire"

[Most people don't realize "Al Hitchcock" was only the nickname of the famous film director -- his real name was Al Hitchpenis!]

Most people don't realize "Al Hitchcock" was only the nickname of the famous film director -- his real name was Al Hitchpenis!

[Ever since I've heard you're supposed to "dress for the job you want," I've been walking around in a hand costume]

Ever since I've heard you're supposed to "dress for the job you want," I've been walking around in a hand costume

[Hey, Doctors Without Borders -- stop complaining and just go to Barnes and Noble!]

Hey, Doctors Without Borders -- stop complaining and just go to Barnes and Noble!

[Episode 202 — Philip Traumatic Seymour Disorder]

First episode of Comedy Bang Bang I ever listened to. RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[Episode 262 — 2013 Holiday Spectacular]

What the hell was Harris doing that was so important that it made him miss this?!

[I'm not from a religious family, but to get my job at the ice cream parlor I had to go to sundae school]

I'm not from a religious family, but to get my job at the ice cream parlor I had to go to sundae school

[You may know me from the movies as Superman, but in my everyday life I go by a different name: Buzzkill McRoberts.]

You may know me from the movies as Superman, but in my everyday life I go by a different name: Buzzkill McRoberts.

[Episode 256 — Raw Copera]

I'll have to check out Put Your Hands Together. Before today I just knew it as the recipient of Doug Benson's constant apologies...

[God dammit, gimme some o' that mustard, Leroy. Arbor Day ain't over until I says it's over, ya hear?]

God dammit, gimme some o' that mustard, Leroy. Arbor Day ain't over until I says it's over, ya hear?

[Episode 253 — Fieri Fight]

 

Hey it's you! I hear your name in like every other episode! How many catchphrases do you have, 80?

 

Two on the live tour, two in the studio (one under my former name, spaceball87). Since live catchphrases count for 39 studio catchphrases, yeah, about 80.

[Eddie Murphy may have played Doctor DOO-LITTLE, but he sure has DONE a LOT of movies!]

Eddie Murphy may have played Doctor DOO-LITTLE, but he sure has DONE a LOT of movies!

[Episode 253 — Fieri Fight]

Hey Scott. I don't comment here often, but after hearing this week's episode, I gotta tell ya: It stunk. First, what's with all the talking? Play more tunes. I downloaded this thing off iTUNES, not iTALK. Second, I think you've done a good job lately finding guests that are good at TRYING to be funny, but aren't really that great at just BEING funny. You know what I mean? I know we can't have Paul F. Tompkins or Andy Daly EVERY episode, but can we at least have Paul F. Tompkins and Andy Daly every episode? Thanks. Basically, just remember the two fundamentals of comedy: "Characters" and "Jokes."