Joven

Not to mention the shark roaring, which ok they're super sharks that are genetically modified, maybe they can roar...but why can the crappy tiger shark at the beginning roar? Speaking of...was that shark supposed to be food for the super sharks? If so, what was the point of kinda nursing it to health when they brought it in, and why did Carter look so surprised when the super sharks started tearing it apart?

Hmm, what came first, that or the Super Bowl Shuffle? because I'm pretty sure they're the same song.

Well I think the fear was that they'd breed, and create a race of super-sharks that essentially take over the ocean. And if they can destroy a submarine base/research thing and have already demonstrated the first thing they do when they escape is to attack people on a boat, it means potentially the usefulness of the ocean as a means of commerce could end. Also, normal sharks rarely ever attack people, whereas these sharks really love to, so there goes any swimming in the ocean. Also its a slippery slope from Gen 1 > Gen 2 > Gen 3 > Jabberjaw, and no one wants that, its a legitimate threat, I'd say.

The harpoon had a bomb on it, harvested from the flares (remember the flares guyz, from the birthday party! we wouldn't have believed a place like that in the middle of the ocean would have flares if they weren't pointlessly established earlier.). They were filling a tube with gunpowder and stuff, Tremors style, in the scene prior and talking about it. The electricity was just to ignite it.

So when Saffron Burrows was in the water to distract the shark, Carter goes out to try and save her and as part of his brilliant plan...he puts down the spear gun. What was he going to do? He was just so sure of his shark dodging to the fin move it was going to save the day all on its own? 'Oh shit that sharks gonna get her! I better put down the only thing that could conceivably stop or deter the creature, its just slowing me down.' And because he didn't shoot it when that was the entire point of her sacrifice, not only did he not manage to save her, her death was in vain, way to go hero.

I think my favorite part is when the shark attacks LL Cool J in the kitchen, it shows a real close up shot of him grabbing the fire axe, and in that first second I'm kinda envisioning like a kind of badass 'Reign of Fire' style jumping down onto the shark kill...and then it shows him in the water holding the axe and its like a toy. What purpose could that tiny little baby axe have in an emergency? He might have been better off grabbing a bunch of forks and things and going all Blue Raja on the shark. Is it the bird's axe?

So this movie kinda took place in the same space-time continuum of The Room, where time passes...I guess. Either its really quickly or really slowly. No idea how long the movie is supposed to be taking place over, but he is running what is basically the only store in town, does he not notice that she keeps coming in for more blonde hair dye? Not that it would matter, but I would maybe expect at least a throwaway scene thats like "oh, you dye your hair, how come?"

This movie is a worse, less fun version of The One. This movie is Yulaw's bitch.

Bumping because Quiptracks has released a new rifftrax for this. So much garbage in this movie, so much interrupting someone in a letter, so many mush mouthed women. Ok, I get she gets all stressed by seeing someone die in front of her and then wanders back to the house she used to live at to remind her of simpler times or whatever...but why does she then go rifle through the mail? For some reason she does, finds the letter expressing some confusion, and writes a stupid letter back...and then leaves. So why does she then come back to that mailbox later? Theres no damn reason, she would just assume that any letter would make it to her, she gave the guy her address, twice, so if he never wrote back she would have just assumed he's not interested in continuing further correspondence with her, and not then said "No! Surely no one would have not sent a letter to me, the postal service clearly just didnt deliver it, I will go and pick it up my own damn self." Also, why the hell does she mention the date in the first reply? She says it like such an ass too, "oh btw, its 2006, has been all year, ask anyone." She reads the damn letter out loud (well, her and the ghost of Keanu tag team it), and nowhere in his letter does he mention the date. He says the lake house has been empty for several years, but never mentions the date, what year it is for him, or anything. Its simply there randomly so they could kick off the damn time travel aspect of the movie, but its god damn pointless and wrong. Thats the tip of the iceberg for me, anyway. Theres also things like, why didn't she ever look him up? She just sits back and makes him do everything. She could have easily found out he was dead and saved the whole falling out bs that happens. Speaking of, the death of someone right in front of you that you try to help, and then presumably follow up on, the kind of thing that drives you to just get in the car and go somewhere familiar...and his name doesn't fucking sear itself into your mind? Did she just never bother finding out who he was after the crash? This movie is so dumb. Also, this happens:

Well, all that at least is true to the source material.

I hope they're really true to the books and make it the dumbest thing ever. From Anabella flushing/blushing/going pale on a dime like a fucking cuttlefish. How are they gonna encapsulate how Chedward's pants hang down...in that way. Im genuinely curious how they're gonna handle the Hermans Head aspect of Anabella's psychosis (maybe a zoom in to her ear, through an empty void, into an empty warehouse where 2 incredibly stupid women who have nothing else to do with themselves watch her life on an old tv that cant change channels.) I hope everybody in the movie has a voice thats of an English person pretending to be American. I hope theres really blatant and stupid product placement for Audi and Blackberry. I hope theres still a chance the whole thing was an elaborate joke, and it doesn't exist. Anyway, everyone really owes it to themselves if they're going to see the movie, or talk to people who have seen the movie to let them know how stupid they are if they like it, etc, is to read the books someone else read the books, namely this person - http://jennytrout.com/?page_id=5720 she has really good recaps of the books, chapter by chapter, and its a good way to expose yourself to that shit without suffering any of the SAN loss that comes with it.

The giving birth to himself thing I can buy, makes just enough sense to work (the execution is garbage, but the idea is sound). So, he's basically the chosen one of time travel, he's outside of causality or whatever and that entails....nothing, nothing comes of it, ever, theres no point, the whole thing is pointless. What makes him any better than any other random douche they could pick to be an agent? I guess he could be in service longer? Is that about it? Why should we give a fuck? This movie is just one long boring origin story for a boring villain we never see for more than 30 seconds, who only really interacts with the hero, audience or anything once. He's much less of a compelling villain than others you could probably compare him to (mainly Dennis Hopper in Speed, or The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight.) Also, what do the time travel agents do, exactly? Because you see them do dick all, and apparently their only case ever is the fizzle bomber, and making it so whatsisface is born/kidnapped. Was gonna say its like a modern Radar Secret Service, but even that at least showed and mentioned them doing other things, and with better uses of their main gimmick.

This would put Ernie Hudson (Congo) and Randall Duk Kim (Last Airbender) into the HDGTM all-stars, obviously Congo is a better movie than this, but I think it would a fight to see whether this or Last Airbender is the worst. Same level of crappy effects, both have airbending (for some reason), same pissing on the source material, etc. I think DB:E ends up as the better movie because a. the source material is not as good, so its not quite AS big of a slap in the face, and b. Last Airbender was hella long, and this is at least normal length. Also, this one has a guy named Texas Battle in it (actor, not character), so theres that. Not sure if I'd want to see it as an episode for HDTGM though, but you can never really judge how good an episode would be beforehand. Theres definitely plenty of WTF moments, stupid shit that doesnt make sense, things that just kinda happen, etc, so i guess any amount of knowledge about Dragonball wouldnt be necessary (and may be a hinderance?) so who knows. A few related bits of stuff though, Quiptracks has a really good rifftrax for this movie http://www.theootl.c...&products_id=23 which I highly recommend if you like MST3K/Rifftrax. And while its about Dragonball Z and not Dragonball, the best writer ever, Hans von Hozel, did write a fanfic for it, it is both better written and more true to the source material than Dragonball Evolution: ------------

I remember watching this movie several times before, and the only thing that really stuck out in my mind thinking back on it was the Super Truck...but really, I can't see why. Its a cool truck and everything, and they did the thing of building it up as being awesome, but then did nothing with it. Do we see the big ass gatling gun on the side tear shit up? No, the camera basically just points at the two guys in the car the whole time. (who fires that, anyway? Cash is just driving, Tango is firing wildly out the window, but the gun just keeps firing on its own, is the truck self-aware?) Does it have any other cool gadgets it uses in the midsts of the firefight? No, it just kinda drives around. Hell, if it wasnt for the fact that Parrett had those 2 trucks with like North Korean surplus rocket launchers in the back, nothing would have been exploded or nothing cool would have happened that whole sequence.) Hell, it even has gun-ports for someone inside to safely stick a gun out of and fire...which Tango doesnt use at all since he just rolls the window down. The only thing it has going for it ultimately is its kinda bulletproof, and then its just out of gas, and its taken out by a couple of pieces of construction equipment. Its like the death of Megaweapon all over again.

To kinda correct your food thing, Over the Top was against steak and fried chicken, too much ketchup was from Cobra (as well as the pizza thing, and the cheese/cake thing, and the gummy bears thing, and basically all the food things) Some more about that opening scene, theres a shitton of cops ready to descend on that truck (obviously as we see they wouldn't have found the drugs because they're not as awesome as Stallone, though), but he insists that he be the one to stop it alone, even trying to tell the helicopter to go away. Later on one of his complaints about Cash is that he's a glory hound... Also, about the bullets, were those special bullets? I thought he was just reloading his gun, which seemed pointless because a. its a movie in the 80s, and b. shouldn't it have already been loaded since he hasn't fired yet? What if he didn't have a long ol' time to prepare while the truck drove up to him? and c...the bullets he ejected from the gun clearly hadn't been fired (from what i can tell pausing the 720p video of it). So if they were special bullets, how come we weren't privy to what kind of awesome bullets they were and why they necessitated being switched out, and he never uses them again. Also about something that bugged me about reloading, after they burst through the warehouse and ram into each other seemingly on purpose, they find the stash of all kinds of guns and grenades. They gear up and move on, they get into a firefight...and Cash asks Tango for a clip afterwards like they worked it out that Tango would carry all the ammo? Why didn't he have his own clips? I don't know why, but that kinda stuck out to me.

Since a sequel is unlikely to happen, the best fanfic author ever (best author ever maybe), Hans Von Hozel wrote a bit of fanfic to help continue the story. It gets pretty dark. ----- All the Covenants wanted to use on their powers. "When we use our powers!" say the Covenants, "It makes a drugs!" And so the Covenants used their powers. They made a happy danube in the sky. The people saw the Covenants happy powers, and wanted to make a using of these. "WE WANT YOUR POWERS ALSO!" say the people, and they go Covenant hunting! The Covenants hide in a castle, but the people knocked down the roof and a splat. "Oh no!" say the people, "We have crush Covenants and now not powers for us!!!!" The people made a sadly. They had destroyed all powers.

Or some guy wakes up and his hands and feet are bleeding from gaping holes, bandaging them does nothing, he can only survive by constantly drinking consecrated communion wine to replace his blood with the blood of Christ. He has to defeat Satans emissary on Earth who is going to bulldoze the worlds oldest christmas tree or something. Bonus points for him being an atheist homosexual who learns the folly of his lifestyle and changes to being a straight Christian now...replacing all his blood with jesus juice cures him of aids? Why not. He's joined by a faithful marine who got kicked out of college for punching his professor, they fight crime.

I've never seen Crash, so in my head going into that trailer I was kinda excited, and then I saw it and was like...hmm, this is nothing like that at all...then I realized I read that wrong and I was thinking about Crank.

I agree about the first half or so of this. This movie seemed really long to me, and I was watching it at 1.5x speed for the most part. I don't think it was entirely jokeless though, I remember at one point I laughed at something someone said that was intended to be a joke, but it wasn't funny enough to remember what it was. Oh, can a university researcher working on a project that would surely have some kind of oversight just 'let' some people who are now completely unaffiliated with the university just set up shop in their lab? Its not even like, "Hey, can we pop down there and run a few tests on these vials off the books every now and then", they had their own computers, their own space, seemed like they were there all the time, it was like they worked there again. (and I don't think you can just decide to have some chimps as pets to hang around while you do research that has dick all to do with chimps.) Im also surprised there was no mention of the weird ass foot cake eating (was that supposed to be a call-back to the chimp doing something to his lopsided birthday cake?) About, robotic lab assistant, she was with Arnold for his research...was she still Arnold's assistant? Or did she just come with the lab space and now is Emma's assistant? If she was still Arnold's assistant, was she getting paid? Did she know what was going on? If she wasn't aware of anything, why come at the head of the university's research thing with a giant beaker in order to defend him at the drop of a hat? I'll probably pull a June and forget about the movie completely pretty quickly, I didn't really care about it one way or the other, although the movie did just make me think of this:

Their plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity.

This could have been better if it was based on the first 3 games instead of being loosely based the 4th one. Up to that point, Alone in the Dark games were basically resident evil style games with Cthulhu mythos, Pirates, Santa, Cowboys and ghost cat werewolf cowboys you fought as a reincarnated mountain lion. (well, resident evil were alone in the dark style games I guess). Instead of going for a modern one which was suddenly about parasitic xfiles reject bat monsters or whatever. Also I spent most the time watching this waiting for Carnby to chuck something really feebly in slow motion across the room, if that happened the whole thing would have been worth it for me. Well, that at least is true to the games.

My favorite bit about the ladder truck thing, after Bond fired the hose at the police and ran, in front of everyone, they loudly yell to each other about stealing the fire truck, in full view of plenty of firemen, jump in the truck and leave. And the firemans response to that is to turn to a cop and say "Hey, where are they goin, that ladder isn't locked down.". I don't know why, but that made me laugh.

Also, how did Q's K-9 knockoff make it up the stairs? and with no arms or anything, is that a supposedly super high tech surveillance drone which is totally dependent on doors having been left open a crack? If Bond had just shut the damn bathroom door, the climax would have been the sad little robutt doggy repeatedly ramming the door feebly. I don't ever remember watching any other Roger Moore Bonds before, so not sure if its normal, but I'm kinda surprised no one called out the stupid ass faces he made throughout the entire movie. Its like he thought he was in a Leslie Nielsen movie...and was also Leslie Nielsen. So when Jennifer Flex introduced herself... her: I'm Jenny Flex Bond: *stupid smile* Of course you are So apparently at least HE got it that it was supposed to be a sexy name, somehow? Also how about some age-appropriate Bond girl names? Agnes Moorehead (ok, maybe I didn't make that one up) Fannie Packer Gladys Jaw

Another thing about the blimp safe. Dynamite wasnt the only thing in there. Our brilliant scientist friend opened up a safe full of at least 5 submachine guns out in the open, and decided his best option was to go inside the fridge inside the safe and grab out an acme style dynamite bundle. Which him and scar guy proceed to take turns bobbling with for like a minute and a half until it explodes.

Well ya, it had the best games, like Shadow: War of Succession and Plumbers Don't Wear Ties.