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Joven

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Everything posted by Joven

  1. Joven

    Black Dynamite

    This always felt too cheesy for a parody movie to me, and came from a time with way too many stupid 'movie' movies and people forgot how to make them. I much prefer "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka", but it's been a bit since I've seen either.
  2. Joven

    Episode 81 — Mortal Kombat

    There was more than one?!
  3. Joven

    Equilibrium (2002)

    So I just watched Winters Tale, and the acting in that made me think of this. Also, I went and took some of the gunkata and related scenes, with iriff commentary, into a little best of kinda thingy (contains spoilers, but who the crap cares.) There's effectively one gunkatist in the whole world, maybe 2 if you include the leader, and gunkata is of course best effective when people are conveniently encircling you and they all have terrible aim. The opening door surfing action scene where it's supposed to show how cool it is just has our hero standing stock still and flailing around his arms with whooshing noises and killing a bunch of people with ak47s who forgot how to shoot, No one is good at anything in this movie, the resistance isn't good at resisting, the people yearning to feel emotions can't emote, the people suppressing emotions can't not emote, the schemers aren't that good at scheming, our hero isn't good at basically anything he does that doesn't involve murder. The bad guys main enforcer who went to the Darth Maul school of forgetting how to sword, the failed attempt to be emotionless by everyone involved, the creepy annoying kid, the stupid plot holes (either Bale is a xanatos level planner, or the gun switching scheme was put in after the fact and no one bothered to even try having it make sense), etc.
  4. Joven

    BMX Bandits (1983)

    Its all good until they just have the Angel Summoner come in and unleash a horde of angel warriors to do their bidding instead of an action scene.
  5. Joven

    Waterworld (1995)

    I genuinely like Waterworld, I've watched it many many times (although not recently), never knew or cared how expensive it was so wasn't expecting perfection and kinda remember thinking at the time when he was hanging from the balloon that the green screen/projection or whatever was pretty bad, but I liked the boat, thought almost everyone but the kid did a good job, and really liked the aesthetic of the world.
  6. Uh oh guys, General Bison is trying to escape the video game and blow up the real world! We need Ken and Ryu to go in their space ships and hadoken his nuts! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvOSAko859k Still a more faithful adaptation than this movie.
  7. Joven

    HDTGM All-Stars

    Colin Ferrel for Daredevil and Winters Tale Graham Greene was in Winters Tale and is credited in Twilight Breaking Dawn pt2 (presumably in a deleted flashback or something, as he died in New Moon)
  8. Joven

    Winter's Tale

    In lieu of = instead of.
  9. Joven

    Episode 82 — Double Team

    But if you got a neo-raven uplift they make pretty good pilots, and theyre small so they dont take up much room on a flight and just operate the controls using their mesh inserts just like any normal person would. Whats maybe a more stupid thing about the question of if he can fly a plane or not...he doesn't, they just get a pilot. It was all pointless so they could use that as some banter to fill screen time and then its immediately discarded. Its like the script wasnt finished and just said *INSERT LAME BASKETBALL PUN HERE* and no one could think of anything, but they kept the scene anyway.
  10. Based on the fashion, writing, premise, and everything else that goes on, one can assume this movie is from a different dimension, which would have had ferris beulers day off released already...that or I meant that KIND of movie which it has become the archetype for and I didn't want to find another example (I actually did look it up beforehand, which is why I changed it from "a rip off" of it to just trying to be that type of movie.)
  11. Joven

    Mortal Kombat Annihilation (1997)

    Just watched this again yesterday, right after watching "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" ... and this movie has way more twirling and flamboyant dancers. Raiden vs 3xReptiles is epic, they are clearly masters in gymkata (also, he only deals with 2...where'd the third one go?) Also, the ending of MK1 has built up the emperor as the ultimate badass, and then he spends the whole movie being daddy's little failure. You'd think his plot to take over the world was to fuel his own lust for power, but it's all just to try and make rent-a-lambert proud enough to come to his tee-ball game.
  12. Joven

    A Force of One (1979)

    I havent seen this, but "Breaker! Breaker!" is like grimdark Over the Top mixed with less grimdark Nothing but Trouble. (its also pre-facial hair Chuck Norris.) -- Just looked at the summary on imdb - "One by one, the squad is eliminated by an assassin. To help discover the identity of the karate killer, the police enlist the aid of karate champion Matt Logan." I hope the reveal for how they know its a karate killer, and how they decide to get norris involved is as clunky, stupid and exposition laden as it is in "Revenge of the Ninja". Where someone will have to pretend not to have heard of karate, and it has to be explained to them and the audience like they were children. This must be good, Amazon wants $25 for it on dvd.
  13. Joven

    Episode 82 — Double Team

    Not to mention when Stavros enters the darkened hospital, after killing the guy at the desk, theres some unbroken glass...which he then smashes for no reason. Also cats always land on their feet, and like sharks raining from the sky, just want to chompa-chompa some guy, it was fine.
  14. Joven

    Episode 82 — Double Team

    2. Because I believe he wanted to keep up the pretense that he was injured, and also so he could train in the tub to hold his breath, which might have seemed suspicious. Although, the question would have to be asked...why didn't they have ANY kind of surveillance on the rooms themselves? Just trust in the thumb print thingy, but dont care what they get up to otherwise? 3. Clearly he was watching the movie as it was being made, Spaceballs style. In the first scene where we see him getting his plan ready, he was mimicking what was going on with the plane and the box (sending what? I get they would need to receive supplies, but what do they need to send out? they deal in information via computers...) with the cigarette and the lighter so he could know how long each thing took...but no way to know what was actually happening, unless he was also watching footage of it going down, or following some evil spy guys twitter sheet who was live blogging it. I guess a case could be made that you would hear the plane, so kind of know where it was, but how would he know they would even have a box of cargo that gets skyhooked out?
  15. The Need for Speed games have stories...portrayed by completely horrible fmv video in the game. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYpqPQKOUfY
  16. Joven

    Episode 81.5 — Minisode 81.5

    Weird this is directed by someone who directed action stuff before (although looking at the IMDB page, nothing hes directed I think I either saw or liked, although I did see a couple he was producer on I did), because I found the action in this movie essentially incomprehensible. When Van Damme slipped on a COKE can on that carnival table near the COKE MACHINE and then somehow transitioned that into a flying spinning flip kick to the face of some guy I literally burst out laughing. And I'm still convinced that tiger shot Stavro's wife.
  17. Joven

    Blank Check (1994)

    I've not seen this for a long time, but all I remember of it is that this movie was made by Dr Evil, one million dollars could basically buy the moon, and his cover story that there's some anonymous benefactor buying him a shitload of toys might as well have been "I'm being molested, but it's ok because check out this bounce house and life size toy car"
  18. Joven

    Episode 81.5 — Minisode 81.5

    This movie is...certainly a movie. some stupid notes i made while watching. --- Amazing, Its like you’re really there in the cockpit of that awesome vehicle with Van Damme, or at least in the blackened room in some sound stage with him a week after the action scene was shot So wait, was that truck supposed to have the plutonium? or what? I thought that was supposed to be some Tango and Cashian assault vehicle. Did he win his mission by driving away from the train? What about the trailer he left behind? Oh no! Not Stavros!? Hes back!? Who is he!? Why does Jack care!? So if that guy wasnt so stupid as to not know how to exit a car…that bomb would have served what purpose? gun cocking sounds courtesy whatever the audio equivalent of clipart is Huh? did the tiger shoot that woman? I thought the tiger was working for her husband? and people say the matrix invented bullet time, Max Payne eat your heart out. If someone doesnt end up using a baby as a weapon, i’ll be very disappointed So basically we’re to root for the bad guy? Ok, grenade baby counts as using a baby as a weapon. What do you mean, “nice call jack”? all he said is the guy at the press conference was lying and covering something up…which they all knew already really didnt need the shots of Van Damme's junk while he…works out? Was this a tv movie? its shot and edited really weird. One bandaid, thatll do for slicing off a bunch of your thumb So they dont have any kind of surveillance on these guys, like at all? Its all honor system with a bunch of super spies. I dont think thats how lasers work, maybe they're stone lasers. Why did Rodman come with on that flight? thought it was to fly the plane…but he has a pilot. Because its like a basketball, instead of a parachute! Thats so awesome! So awesome the film couldnt contain the shots where it shows how the stupid thing actually works. 2nd baby bomb, this one was timed insanely well. Jumping retardedly from fireballs onto pool toys is the new walking away from explosions. Did the guy attacking rodman in the taxi steal Van Dammes wig? So these monks are supposed to have some highly advanced computers, which they use for browsing cyber sex sites with monochrome graphics, and theyre hacked effortlessly by guys who wouldnt even know to hack it and can only use one hand on a logitech trackball mouse. Night vision guy must have the worst aim ever if he needs Rodman to basically eat the gun before he fires. I hope that baby has a bomb on it Oh shit, is that the tiger that shot Stavros’ wife? Yeah Rodman, just hide the baby in plain sight, right in the path that anyone coming to pursue you would see. That tiger doesnt seem really keen on killing Van Damme, but it went right for that other guy This place is gonna blow? How does rodman know that? i mean, other than the baby and the mines, what other explosives are there? Whats with that weird fist bump they keep doing? Are they pretending they're Robocop using a computer? Van Damme multi kick attack guest directed by someone from an anime When did he have time to move those crosses? At least Stavros gets his revenge on the tiger. Explosion + fireball + coke machines courtesy of Sharknado. "Ninja vanish" scene courtesy of the live action TMNT movies.
  19. Joven

    Episode 81 — Mortal Kombat

    Well Sang Sum (the cousin of Shang Tsung who was available for the movie) didn't say they were enemies to each other, just that they were the deadliest of enemies to go up against (as in, "these guys are pretty badass, so just think how awesome I am for being able to control them.") Also, the 'riddles' were freakin retarded, was so insanely easy to get yet Liu still didnt realize it until not only he tripped over a bucket of water (which Raiden left there, which surely must be cheating) but then Kitana showed up to the fight to put that extra button on it. Not to mention her "three tests you to face to defeat Sang Sum" (one of which is simply going up a flight of stairs...)
  20. Joven

    Corrections & Omissions: Mortal Kombat

    Actually they aren't in Outworld, the island is between Outworld and Earth. They aren't in Outworld until they go through the gooey portal. And no, the kids are not slaves of the ruling class of Outworld, the kids aren't even in Outworld, they're not even on the island...(also if they were, why would they be celebrating? They clearly didn't set Outworld free, that wasn't even the point of the tournament, it was to protect Earth from invasion.) I posted this in the other thread but I'll copy it here: correction on the Ending with children: that was back at the "Temple of Light" where Liu Kang is from, not on the island, which means they got back on the magic boat off the island, back to the scummy dock in Hong Kong, then over to that temple in China and THEN reunited with Raiden, and in the meantime Sonya has not changed out of her prisoner dress.
  21. Joven

    If Looks Could Kill (1991)

    *shoots Juicy Melon Jim in the face with silenced machine pistol* Bonjour, I am Pierre and I'm your new bus driver. Bumping this because for some reason out of the blue I started thinking about this movie. It basically has the lamest villains where the main physical threat comes from a 70 year old woman who uses her necklace as a weapon. An assassin prostitute who is thwarted by stooge level bumbling on the part of our hero trying to get condoms out of a Pringles can and she takes a rocket to the face. Massive coincidence upon massive coincidence which propel our hero onwards through the story. (and his raging bone for the europy chick he is kinda teamed with.) Bond reject gadgets, like suction cup sneakers (which they completely redesigned basically in a half hour because they were like loafers before). Reluctant hero who basically tries to just steal the high tech spy car until he's finally dragged into the plot. (does the car ever come into play other than briefly once when he's accidentally shooting missiles at things when he's trying to roll the windows down?). Also, it's a car which normally doesn't have much extra space, and any space it would have had would be filled by missiles and pneumatic whatsits after being turned into a spy-mobile...so how did it have 4 spare tires in it? This is basically a lamer, less funny, less thought out and coherent version of Bill Murray's "The Man Who Knew Too Little" (or that's a funnier more coherent version of this, since it came out later, whatever)
  22. Joven

    Teen Witch

    Id settle for a reenactment of the top that scene. Id assume Paul would be the dancer, since hes clearly the funkiest, but who would the others be?
  23. Joven

    Episode 81 — Mortal Kombat

    Dude, Paul has a very rare disease, not cool to make fun of it. So yes, it just might.
  24. Joven

    Episode 81 — Mortal Kombat

    Not quite related to the episode as such, but I have to say the original fan-made second opinion theme I still think is the best. It was a lot snappier, and because Jason wasn't really trying to gave it a bit of genuineness.
  25. Joven

    Left Behind (2014)

    I dont know, can Nicolas Cage match the powerhouse performance that Kirk Cameron gave in his Left Behind movie(s)?
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