Pure Guava

FULL VERSION: My intern picked this catchphrase. I should probably start reading them before actually going on air, let this be a lesson to you Herr Aukerman. Oh, by the way, your dry cleaning won't be ready until tomorrow.

Kidnapped, tied up for 18 months straight, no contact with the outside world. Severe beatings daily. The struggle is real.

All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't hide the beastiality from the King and were beheaded post-haste.

The jizz wizard shoots a white blizzard out of his magical staff. Gross.

This land is your land, this land is my land. Our parents died without a will so we are going to have to let the lawyers figure this mess out. I'll see you in court.

As the leaves change and fall to the ground I'm reminded of the cycle of life, the imminence of death, and how good it feels to fuck a warmed up pumpkin pie

Daddy? They're reading my catchphrase right now, Daddy, are you proud of me? Did I do a good job Daddy?....Daddy?

"I took it upon myself to put this book upon myself" said the polite librarian that was bad at rapping and didn't believe in carts

The only hashtag I'm interested in is the tag that tells me the price of this hash I'm about to buy. #stoner

Chunt's up with that?

They say all that glitters is gold but I just bought some silver glitter so what's the deal, they?

Ask not what your country can do for you, for countries are not sentient beings and will never respond

9 out of 10 stupid assholes agree: The didgeridoo is awesome

On Australian HBO, "The Night Of" is known by it's alternative title: "The Next Afternoon"

Move over, there's a new sheriff in town. You are standing right in his way. Just a few more inches oughta do it. OK I think that's good, he can get by you now.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, this bartering system isn't that creative or useful

I believe in you

Coca-Koala is the best-selling marsupial flavored soda on the market, narrowly beating out Mountain Roo

is it ok to reply in this thread without a Star Wars avatar?

Hopefully this frees up Scott to fulfill his lifelong dream of joining the competitive eating circuit. Watch out Chestnut, Scott "3-Stomachs" Aukerman is coming for your title!

The last time I saw so many stools on a stage was at the "Linda, the Incontinent Stripper" show in Vegas

Kangaroo down under boomerang. Beerstrailian for Fosters

The cow jumped over the moon. NOW do you see the problem with using so many hormones in beef?

Takes a special kind of lady to never eat, pray, or love.

Yahoo is just a stage name, his birth certificate actually says "Netscape Gregory Serious"