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Pure Guava

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Everything posted by Pure Guava

  1. Pure Guava

    Bumblebeez nuts

    Got ‘em
  2. Knock knock. Who's there? Oregon. Oregon who? Open this door immediately Oregonna have to break the fucker down
  3. What's up vegan organic free-range cruelty free locally sourced farm to table hotdog? Oh man, with a catchphrase like that you know we be all up in Portland's guts tonight, y'all!!! (Sorry)
  4. Alright Portland, I admit Bridge City is a cool nickname but it doesn't come close to L.A.'s "Under the Bridge Downtown City", the only nickname Los Angeles has ever had or needed.
  5. Portland? More like Sportland, ammirite? Nothing says Sportland like adding an "S" to the beginning of the word "Portland" as I have just demonstrated for all of you ball bopping puck fucking hoop humping Oregon sonsabitches only seconds ago.
  6. If you're happy & you know it keep it to yourself, nothing dampens the already suicidal mood of your pathetic family & friends more than the confusion that follows another outburst of random applause from the hands of you, Mr. Happy P. Smileyshit
  7. Rip City. Bridgetown. Portlandia. Logville. Flannel Bay. Coffee-n'-Rain-sylvania. Damn it Portland, when it comes to nicknames it's quality not quantity, pick a name out of a SLeater Kinney trucker hat and stick to it you hipster fucks.
  8. Portland? More like Abortland because all the hipsters will get that I am making a reference to the Simpsons episode with the personalized license plate joke, leave the baby killing jokes to those evil fucks in Abortland Maine
  9. Wakey wakey, sleepy head, time to rise and shine...Use your blood magic to cause our corpse soldiers to rise from the dead and fill the sky with the black smoke of our vanquished enemies until the sun ceases to shine, that is.
  10. Shout out to my dog Jordy who doesn't listen to podcasts and even if he did he seems like more of a Superego fan, not this piece of garbage
  11. Pure Guava

    Advice Needed

    Adam Scott or Adam Nott, doesn't matter which thing you untie it seems I have a lot of making up for lost time it seams (bursting at them with word Jizz/Jazz/Reese? Lookie here my Bass Cookie (she loves to thump the low end on the table while I eat some of her Hollywood housemade home cookin' cookies, lotta crumbs but the bass makes me twerk till I'm numb---the only workout A listers like me are trying out now that Billy Blanks is R2D2IPOSSIBLE HASHTAG CBB BUMP? Lookie here again, with respect to your neck injury from the whiplash this paragraph is already taken, much less what lies beneath us (clue? Lies? Big? Little? Tune in to the season Finale of Yeast Round n Brown, the Kenny Powers Donut shop chef bakery cooking the craft Voodoo Do-dos (couldn't get the rights to Voodoo Donuts but spellcheck just brainstormed "Foodoo Donuts" So points to Spellcheck if this were After Midnight (not the Comedy Central hangout for beer money and agent begging you to do it even if you know already it's a bad idea not just because of the low pay and co-guests that you probably pissed off during your "Whiskey n PCP" phase (otherwise known as your 20's through 40's and you are now 49 like a San Francisco footballer without the cleats but with the concussions and brain death while living due to the Whiskey n PCP phase you spent literally half your life telling people about even though it was more a "Vodka and DMT" phase (20's) LSD and Peyote Whiskey (30's) Tap water injections and cotton ball sucking (that bad period in yr' late 30's when the Bernie's of the world were more Madeoff than Sanders, ugh someone else write the made off with my money pun so I can get paid to make fun of bad funnery (fuck you spellcheck you are on my shit list for thinking funnery is not a word at all much less the most bad ass word you tried to check the spell of today, hom-pray you don't fuck with my next golden nugget of word artistry and turd fartistry (sorry, had to, just laying there drunk waiting to be rhymefucked by my even drunker and more remorseful finger dicks (which are typing and fucking simultaneously don't make me simulsplaineously to you, short-Buster Keepon your side of the IQ line, ShortBUS was a little weird to watch with my grandma since my grandma is John Cameron Mitchell in drag, so it turns out (found out after black eye which was attached to rotten potato he through at me as a metaphor/substitution for rotten tomato which I kept bringing up during the premiere as in "boy, does the ol' Rotty 'Mater have negative scores? Because this softcorehardcore needs it's Short Bus Busted, like a ghost that was ghost busted at the remedial math room for reBARDS (Shakespeares with short term memory loss a la MEMENTOBEORNOTTOBE the Shakespeare version of Momento written by the DNA of Billy Shakes the Clown, a writing prodigy that only writes in quintuplet quartets soaked in seltzer water and organ grinding monkey shit, since all circus shit is related and in the same ring of the three possible ones to choose from, so choose your own adventure, PEE-TEE HARDONUM, as in you barker atter the public for so long you've lost your ability to put your hard-on (squared, a math reference not a commentary on your dick shape, you sick boxy freak) them which is good because jail time was about to get severe for a 7 time offender and penis whippersnapperoutter like you, you ol' perverted loudmouth no pants bastard. Go back to being a nude carnie so we can stop remembering PEE-TEE HARDONUM ever existed. The Spinoff You gotta "Pee" to Bel-leave (in the toilet because the food is pretty much water to begin with, so you pee immediately while and when you eat it...FOOTNOTE NOTATION HERE, FUCK AN ASTERIK UP IT"S HARD TO SPELL ASSTERIX OID the NOID ADNOID-ROCKIN IN THE FREE WORLD OF SINUSES A VERY BOOGERY PLACE TO BOOGIE NIGHTS AND DAYS AWAY ALL STUFFED UP AND SNOT EVEN CARING BECAUSE YOU CAN BLOW YOUR NOSE WAD INTO YOUR NEW DINING ROOM SET CONGRATS ON YOUR PRICE IS RIGHT BID, YOU ALWAYS SAID "BID LOW, BIDET, JUST BLOW IT OUT YOUR BUTTHOLE, FRENCHY CLEAN ASS BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WIN PRICE IS RIGHT THEN SET FIRE TO DREW TARVERY'S GLASSES SO SKINNY SO FAST LOVE YOU MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND LACK OF PATIENCE OR HARDWORK IN THE GYM-NASALIUM, TYING TOGETHER SINUSES AND NASAL STUFF, ALL FREE TO ANYONE ON THE MESSAGE BOARDS OR THE INTERNET FOREVER IT NEVER LEAVES OH GOD MY KIDS KIDS COULD SEE THIS AND TIE THE MYSTERY OF THE GOLD NOSED ADAM SCOTT/JUDE LAW (SCOFFLAW, More like it, that guy just stole my caps lock and shift, time to shift this to the ground where the feet are and the foot is of note, particularly the afternote of oak and mushrooms, I smell a California red but I'm drinking a Estonian White, am I in heaven or just drank too much of this....wait for it....SWEDE BARRY WHINE, and when I hear my Swedish friend Barry whine too much, I might as well be drinking rotten grapes that have been stomped on by poorly paid immigrants with even mo' po' podiatrists and/or pedicure girls. Po mo' equal mo Pedi blues, which my Swede friend Barry better watch out for because his pedi- prefix is fixed in a pre-tty different manner than my manor is used to (man or woman only, no boys or girls in my manorwoman manor unless they are my kids or kids friends or maybe Sheila the pool girl's twins, they don't eat much but they do-doo make a mess in the poo-pool, the architect who built a poop pool (pool to poop in my good boy or girl (stay out of my manor, and you'll have good manners, keep to the poop pool unless Swedish Barry (Uncle Touchy-Fishy-SOcialism-Free-Healthcarry is around then you best run home or be prepared to man up or woman down, either way lawyer up and keep a recording device within arms reach or arms within record timing reach, you gotta act fast when old touchy fishy is Sweeten up to you in an attempt to turn this paragraph of epic proportions into a LEGNOTE not a footnote ha ha ha no but I meant to say turn this into a fucking gross pediatrician's worst nightmare by having kids not using eye protection while pooping in the poop pool, or a pedialyte-selling doctor of drinkology's worst drink mare by staying hydrated using the poop pool's water instead of refreshing, clean and safe Pedialyte, now in poopy pool flavor, check local listings or far away fistings, keep that poopy play away from my playtime poopy pool so fun, so brown, so Ween reference shoved in at the end for the skimmers to see better than hiding place (middle o' the word square ) damn thee need to keep typing, you are hiding the Ween from the speed freaks and readers so fast. Words skim by like a baked Alaska pie. Am I boring you? Never. Tedious? Teddy? I? O? U? Ssssssss.....snake sounds like a hiss when threatened and I speaking that Pottertongue to get the glass out of my snake box and snake into your glass box, you teddy Ruxpin wannabe (capitalization is a spellcheck Kryptonite, he wanna pound it but he gotta respect weird last names and places geographical and proper, your dropper your placemat into my pool? As long as it's the placemat pool and not the Palace of Matt's Drool. The Drool Pool for Fancy Mats and Dancing Fats (oh how they jiggle on the diving board....diving? Bored. Greg Luzinski better hit his head because no blood, no attention span for diving. Let's dive back into to Kenny Powers Donut Farts or whatever the fuck I was talking obout oboe so long abow ago, yo (abow= the place on a boat you relish the audience's love and flower throwing ability...alll those roses all that water, who is tossing them, Dwight Goodenthesack because arm strength is underrated for proper love making? Probably not, he in jail for crack rock and rocking crack like it's the 80's or something, rock some high THC content nugs by god, this is 2019 not mid-80's Reagan Youth isn't that a punk band that probably opened for Fugazi and then closed the door on any future shows with Fugazi because the door receipts were really low for such a packed shithole, it's like they charged 5$ or a 10$ crack rock to rock out in the cracked walls of punk history, 1985 Marion Berry's crack den, Fugazi is opening for Reagan Youth and Jello Biafra is holding court on the Bullets center court, no crack rock to be seen so he's out of the scene, but into the seen it all before scene, because that guy never shuts up about the good ol' days on vacation in Cambodia with Cam something or other the Duke semi-star starring Mike KSHULLSHEKSKEY the only Coach with a silent K that's not a Bobby Knight of the Roundhouse to your players dome table, a very exhausted and exalted group of K-starting last named coaches that seem Weasley and tiny to be commanding respect of such a elevated level of player for such a elongated level of time. BASKETBALL ROUNDUP the new Flagrant Ones-themed podcast that is about Why Coach K isn't Coach S because his last name tricks us as bad as his weasel ferret demeanor hypnotizes the players into winning the Final Foor what a funny way to confuse and mock spellcheck, my deepest darkest enemy, no secret or Sucrets, the only cough drop that's candy enough to be worth it's little tin in hiding drugs from high school teachers back in the day when weed was my coffee and unprotected sex with my self was necessary to avoid bursting in my pants every period I had with.....REBECCA oh that straw hair, oh that half buttoned flannel, oh that need to go to the wizard to see what happened to his father when he found that tornado-dizzy witch killing girl in the sparkle shoes and got flim-flammed into being her bodyguard all the way to Ozzy Osborn's wizard lair in Kansas or something or other that girl a scarecrow I used as a scratchy sex doll in ol' Millers farmyard back in the barnstorming days of Scarecrow rape (acquitted for not having a puberty doctor shave my jizzneeds down to jizzscreeds like a normal Creed from the office obsessed hay fucker like myself. If only that doctor's razor had shorn my beat off necessities into be off, necessary to watch Office reruns as long as Creed is playing in the background while Creed is onscreen being a drug addled senior fart face weird man probably fucking Dwight's scarecrows although I bet he poisoned them with a stapler covered in crow jello that was also poisoned. Cant' wait for that spinoff "Jello Crow Killer 2: Brandon lives and wants revenge on poison jello crow feeders like Dwight Schrute, costar of the buddy comedy CrowsNestFeet 3: Dead star on set, Lead bar off settle down and let's get back to punch your ass which I see already typed below this is the last thing I typed, suckers, non-linear just like Jude Lawless Scott Adam Ben Leslie Pure Guava Nope, Mollusk Actor Young Pope 2: Jiggle the Jello Handle, you hoo chocolate milky teeted scarecrow honey oh my Becky Strawtits how I'd like to sit motionless in a field with you until you rot or get poisoned by Jello Crow Ninja of the poison market variety, how I miss Boston Market's creamed spinach no joke I was banned for typing something like this but in poo on a Boston Market restroom not the poo pool as I was led to believe by the piece of straw from Rebecca Strawsnatch's batches of straw babies we made in a. field of strawberries one morn round Boston town, in the market for straw poo? Just go to a manger not taken by Jesus's big baby ass already, get a room, you Inn avoiding miracle toddler doomed to die and starve and whips and shit from Roman candles de la Coppola the finest wine not drank by Swedish Jerry, the Barry's worst nightmare of a twin because he likes em old and legal, not in a poo pool and not even from Sweden, eat it pedo Jerry, this fishy sweet is too swede for your nordic balls to jiggle the handle that's the joke I was going to make, jam band music not Phish or the Dead makes me want to poison myself as my feet jiggle the handle from my noose fortress in hang myself town because the music is so bad even a poisoned crow wouldn't eat jello out of it's rotten bird jamass jam grass is even making me more blue from asphyxiation as in Ass? Fix the nation with your ability-full ass to poo in pools not even sanctioned by the Jamass crew, a bunch of jelly boys on a boat if I ever coxswained one, David. Red Hot American Bummer that I wasn't offered a role in that hot red Russian piece of cinematic goldsterpiece of film silver awards and Oscar bait my fish while I hang myself if it's not Phish than keep the PH. Your levels aren't balanced and engineer Cody is on Phish tour with the rest of the Silver Foxed Freaks in the Red Hot Oscar Bait Cast, the only podcast recommended by the David Swain's Brain podcast which isn't about anything but Funny as shit shit, in a shitty pool marked clearly for shitting only, like a respectable manorwoman would have in their manor. Nor ma, nor pa, nor cuz nor buzz Lightyear may gain a woody upon my watch, because toys don't belong on my wrist, sis. Is this enough words for my absence to make you grow fonder of the days I wasn't on the message board (too busy trying to piece Becky straw nose back together again so I could Humpty DANCE on her kings horses men if you know what I meant before I forgot on with the show, boat Borat is one r away from boat but reverse so prow that stern, Howard, I LIKE MY WIFE AND THAT IS HOW YOU KNOW I REALLY AM ADAM SCOTT, you guava obsessed bastards. Pure and purerer, I am the Scott who is sure and sure and surrey I am going to kill spell check before this end credit sequence puts on sequins and ends this movie: THE RIDE THE COUPON THE REFERENCE THE MISTER THE SHOW: ; NOTE TO FOOT: Fyess testimony, date of the court and my ability to be the head judge of the Supreme Court of Whipping Your Ass (not even a real court, you lawyer-looking douchebag lawyer you all of you drown, that's the punchline as in PUNCH YOUR ASS UNTIL IT's WHIPPED SUPREMELY, get your red and white gear online whoops it sold out just like me once I put on my fake jude's robe (Jude LAW callback and plotpoint you in the direction of foreshadowing the future crystal ballsack in your diamond face hole, son) and put on my real one once I forgot what the hell Jude Law has to do with this whole twisted Scooby DooDoo Velma's short skirt and librarian glasses hiding the fact she's way more good to go than the prima donna blonde one that Fred probably won't even let you sit next to on the bus, much less munch her on screen on Shortbus 2: Mystery Massqueen summing soon on a spellcheck fuck you soon. Cum. Cumming. Alan. Alaska. I'll ask ya all, an I confusing you with this world play or just Playing the world until confusing you more than an Alaskan Ass Can in a Hawaiian Butt Can't you just see me typing Juneau what I mean, Vernon Chatman, the best at chat room poker faces and emoji wizardry since he made his first critical darling (critically acclaimed to be SMOKING THAT WEED cuz that show shit is cray cray, ChattingtonManors, the place we assume you've retired to because where's that WEIRD ASS CONTENT we know you be blowing bones and smoking tendons faster than ten dons can get you assassinated for fucking with LA FAMILIA DE NORTE ITALIA FABBAGOUL, as in ghouls that Scooby DO-ya in the SHortbus 3: Pisstery Ma, SHEEN (sweaty glow from aftersex cigarettes falling on you post-coital smoke sesh, tobacco-pilot is Jesus and my tobacco-star is REESE WITHEREDPRUNE, my MAD magazine special guest star for my special guest starring role as guest writer to the stars of MAD Magazine's special edition "PIG RICH LITTLE FLIES: A MONTEREY POP FEZ-TABLE STORY guest costarring Fez from that 70's show tv show and a ping pong table that's been specially outfitted for air hockey and foosball, the only man's sport that makes Nick Kroll sounds German and Dan Harmon more awesome than anyone writing things a long time ago ever did at the time, TV sitcom on NBC edition only because I don't know the competition or years it was being written, sorry Dan-O Bookendem, as in 6 seasons and a Pilot Movie, just show the pilot at 33% speed so it's 90 minutes and stick some rick and forty morty seasons and a movie references as well as Captain Jack Sparrow and Talking Motorcycle Ben Stiller something or other, the hottest pilot that got turned into a movie cassette on Ebay I ever bought (30 min movie that was never a movie edition, starring Jack Black Francis Pixie D Tenaciously Jack White too let's add also the Breeders can do the soundtrack but Black Jack by Ween is the only song they do, while dressed as Black Bart from the Jackass movies special "Pirate or old timey robber edition where we punch our balls with hooks and ladders, shoot, I got board naming that game. Bored enough to jump back into the land before time was a footnote was at the end of the page or book (or 18 books, looking at you Infite Jesticles as in there's two of you as in that book long enough for 18 balls to be swinging from such a big important literary dick, love you DFW, non-ironically and non-brotastically you were the wind beneath my parenthetical and asterisks that I'm too emotionally attached to Barry Bonds to use now or ever regardless of my need to make notes after the notes are already noted. Note this, Foster Australian for Beer Wallace Wallaby: Write me an essay on footnotes using only your feet and notes from an unpublished novel you can't change a word of, only type it with your foot up your David Foster Wall-ASS. Ha ha, worth it, totally intotality totalitarian Rastafarian how far can this unrelated smattering of unmattering go battering your impatient yet oh so sane for being so mind reading eyes and mind also? Assuming you follow the recipe during the show because the writing is pretty bad so we needed something to distract you while Kenny throws fastballs at Will Ferrell's personal chef's head and into the blender so yum yum, watery blended baseball hide (as in hide from your personal chef when it's Yeast Round n' Brown You is my wife in the HBO SMASH DRAMEDARY HUMP THRILLER OF A TRUE STORY BASED ON THE WEST COAST RAP GAME AND IT'S TROUBLE FINDING A DECENT NANNY WHEN OUT BUMPIN' HEADS WITH OL' EAST COAST RAP "LAME" (HA HA, SOMEONE GET ME A NANNY SO I CAN FOCUS ON LAUGHING FOR AN APPROPRIATE LENGTH AT SOMETHING SO FUNNY AND WITTY AND NEW AND FRESH AND OTHER THINGS SEAN AND HAYES PROBABLY INFLUENCED ME TO SAY BUT NOT ON PURPOSE, SUBLINGUALLY WHICH DESERVES IT's OWN NANNY I WISH I DIDN"T COMMIT TO KEEPING MY PINKY ON THE SHIFT KEY BECAUSE OF SINGLE QUOTE MARKS (OR LIL' FONTY RAINDROP AS I'VE NEVER CALLED IT) GETTING THE SHAFT FOR BIG BROTHER DOUBLE QUOTATIONS (OR "TIS A NOR"EASTER OF A FONTY TYPE AS WE ALL SHOULD CALL IT FROM NOW ON) UNLESS I REALLY FOCUS AND I SHAN'T LET LIL' FONTYRAIN (nickname from ahhhhhh no pinky touchdown is worth 7 relax points (no kick after that's for 'American 'Football or 'Soccer whatever side of the Pondailyon you side on (JonDaly?LONG more like it...Rafflecast should be renamed BAFFLINGPAST Because it's baffling how he didn't murder his old girlfriends during sex due to Long Daly John's Silver Pegleg of Gold(member)--it all ties together with a big Austin Powers singalong, just like every Hollywood Property worth it's weight in silver peglegs (autocorrect wants that two words or piglets, either way the red line underneath don't scare me, b-word computer, betcha wish I was less of a SPELLBEL WITHOUT A PAUSE....TO FIX MY GRAMMERSPELLS (starring James ---some typography reference that rhymes with "Dean" someone punch that up for me, payment already sent to that P.O. Box in the strip mall next to the stripper's pall...what a sad pall she casts but at least the rent is cheap because of the sad cloud hanging over...like a pall....over the proceedings. Vive le vive, para esta muy confusionioso y was mysterioso (spellcheck is racist, confirmed. The Was you see is not was, alas...was/not was supposed to be m-a-s (hyphens are the steroids of the beat spellcheck circuit, I feel creamy and clear yet not so into my out of pants hats not fitting anymore, nor am I a fan of all my testicle hats (yes, in pants, I'm crazy but not nudist typing on a laptop crazy, those things would burn my shriveled hyphenated testes-one-and-testes-two (didn't need hyphen steroids there just addicted to the rush and the swell so what if I swole to my dying sweetie's hole (ear) I wouldn't use them outside of spellcheck shaming/beating (shaming and beating? Feels like the same thing, therefore redundant because it's the same thing, but I felt bad for the ol' slantline that seperates/separates two things that are close enough in meaning that a comma is too formal and tediously overused to bring into the ring with me---yes that's it's full name, better and more detailed than "formerly forwarpslantline but got drunk from all the internet usage making his tired energy more tired than just drinking alcohol (sorry Brûlée's fans (for fuck sake spellingchecque (switched to Quebecois spellingcheque in hopes I could land a part in Montreal's new hit game show "Le Norte de la Niagra, butt* (in French, butt is so offensive it would knock the beret from your testicle hat rack so I saved everyone's meager budget (thanks NOBAMA (get it, he's not in office so there's no Obama (contraction without the rain little fonty boy (fuck you Le SpellCheque for trying to make it footy, soccer ain't big in Canadian Waters, either, Le HomebÎis))---what's with that band that is just a bunch of redundant font smiles with out the coloneyes (colon eyes together without a space in this space so your face could get a tacte (remember, c's in Quebecois are sssssnake sounding sounds, probably, everyone is a parseltongue (Le Snakey Talque Monsieur en la boca de la Francois ou garcön de la Wizårdly Sorcieré y Madame Le Magique des las Witchy Garcon sans Coque et Ballsé ) I wouldn't not fitting in the opposite way as the head hats. ). NO SPELLCHECK I MEANT PIGLETS YOU RUINED THE JOKE I WAS ABOUT TO TELL BUT HAD TO DELETE PARA MI HOMIES EN LAS HOLLYWOODBARIOLAND, SI. Yo is this racist? IF the subject of the question in question is spellcheck, than very was is more Big Lies of Big Little Sur, You isn't my wife in real real life so stop baking me cookies, my real wife is getting suspicious of all the bass-bouncing crumbs in bed, baby Reeses Pieces would be more baby relevant to phone home, ET TU BRUTALIEN THAT WON OUR HEARTS and Elijah'd our woods, tiger style or was that Sean "Astin" Martin the boxcar with a boy heart in a car's body and a hobbit's big ass feet that weren't hairy enough to hide the puke from our disgusted wizard face hole (mouth to the muggles, boca to the muggles de las Español en la bocas muchachas yo soy es Americano but ich ben Berliner, Kenny Powers Yeast Confectionary Shoppe In Baseball City, coming soon to an HBO near you, premiering 2022 in Westwood Westworld and after Game of Thrones 2: Bone Zone all kitties, all dragons, all meow meow spellcheck is out to kill me, French kiss itself on Quebeck, Que? Beck-ause you are a loser baby, and I will grant your song's lyrics wish to kill you as soon as I can spell beckoned call or beck and call because it always confused me until my brain was mellow gold and my stereophonic soul manure was an album more easily available to my small town teenage straw fucking self. AMEN. TIE THIS IN WITH WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT AND MAKE IT A SEQUEL NEXT TIME, I"LL BE WRITING IT BETTER THE SECOND TIME, LAWLESS JOOD, THE YOUNGISH DUTCH POPE (LESLIE POPE? NOPE, JUST BEEN WYATTING WITH YOU, THE LA WYATTS WERE A FLAMING GOOD TIME FOR WEST COAST RHYMES AND FREE TV's AND MUMIA WHILE YOU are at it there goes my shifty shift button getting pissed about the all caps yelling of online all caps typing. Such a sad state of affairs which is what BIG LITTLE LYING LIARS AND THE BIG LIES THAT LOVE THEM starting Nickel? Kidding man, it's a dime, knock yourself out, Merril Lynch Streep Throat says in the new MAD magazine I'm cowriting I think you heard unless you are a skimmer of fast reads if that's the case this last word is for you: WEEN
  12. Of all the no good, means well, diabolical, handsome, flim-flammy, lavender scented, rotten to the core, beloved by all evil piece of shit I've ever expressed conflicting messages about aurally, you are the best worst. Draw your gun or I'll draw you a bath
  13. Look, episode title, I appreciate your uplifting message to typewriters (LIVE FROM (pick up the pieces and learn from) DYNASTY (how you died such a nasty death) TYPEWRITER (typewriters), but the basic fact remains by you even bringing up how typewriters died nasty (from top of the world Kingimakers to a novelty antique and/or landfill filler, thanks a lot, word processors) you are kicking a thing when it's down and no amount of inspirational messages can wipe the newly formed blood from the scab you ripped off the handle that you push to make those clunky dinosaurs ding so cutely yet out datedly. Oh shit, I just ripped the scab of the scab and really shouldn't have posted this at all. Too late, my typewriter is missing the delete button or the white out button point is I can't erase or stop myself from hitting submit reply, thanks a lot you piece of redundant shit typewriter
  14. As the Terminator stretches his nude body, trying to work out a time-travel-related cramp in his upper thigh, he notices a giant wall of TV's all playing a workout video. His curiosity piqued, he walks over to the store window oblivious to the crowd of bystanders gawking at his big floppy android dong. "Buns of steel? Try all of steel" the Terminator wryly remarks out loud to no-one in particular, although one of the dong gawkers overhears him but since he doesn't know what a Terminator is much less looks like, he just thinks this naked floppy-donged weirdo is mumbling some PCP-inspired nonsense and goes back to the gawking of the dong until Terminator sees a gun and blows everyone's head off because just because he's a robot from the future doesn't mean he doesn't have body image issues too, your gawking isn't helping at all, thank you very much.
  15. I don’t mean to be a Fussy Ruth Buzzy over here, but in the future it’s spelled “Chornn” due to that whole CLASSIFIED attack and discovery of CLASSIFIED in the CLASSIFIED pocket of the dead —CLASS? I FRIED! #420HighSchool —Colonel who’s last words, “CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED, CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED? She did? Well, then let’s join as one CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED and fuck our CLASSIFIED raw!!!” are of course etched into every CLASSIFIED in CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED, and that is how corn becomes Chornn
  16. When life gives you lemons, ask yourself who this life fella is and why is he in your bedroom at 3:30AM handing your bewildered ass a basket of...what's this now? fucking...lemons? Of all the things to give to someone at this hour or any hour for that matter. Face it, life, lemons as a present sucks shit.
  17. Laser tag is the tag of the past, my boy. Picture this: 10 optometrists in a steel cage, running around trying to tag one another while simultaneously performing complex laser-based vision-correction surgeries on themselves? Lasik tag is the only tag the future will ever know, my...man
  18. Bleaker than bleak days and freaky beak-filled nights, that's what a depressed nymphomaniac toucan with insomnia's life is all about, man.