Pure Guava

Oh bother, another drifter fell into the garbage disposal. My word those hitchhikers are ever so clumsy. Rutherford, be a dear, put on your hazmat suit and take care of Mr. Doe, would be a shame to get a mess on my new cashmere sweater

Come they told me pa rum pum pum pum. A newborn king to see pa rum pum pum pum. Failed the audition I did pa rum pum pum pum. My Tourettes strikes again pa rum pum pum FUCK

Holiday cheer is no match for existential ennui, it's roundhouse kick is just too brutal. Cheer knocked out in the 3rd round.

The 1st amendment don't hold water here, boy. Besides the whole priceless piece of American History thing, the hole in the levee is just too large to duct tape a 200 year old document to and expect it to hold for more than a few seconds.

You want to raise 1,000 soy sauces with my 2 yellowfins showing? Have you even played Texas Hold Em' Poke before?

Must be lonely being the only sailor that can't tie a knot.

This is Solid Gold Award for Best Solid Gold Award-Level Artistry-level artistry right here

You know you're dating a real bad boy if he crosses his i's and dots his t's

My family would be terrified to know how many life choices were made by hallucinating Michael Keaton answering "What would Mr. Mom do in this situation?" & following the advice exactly no matter how many times it involved cocaine & firearms.

Gallons? I'm not into the ladies, buddy, I'll take my gas in gal-offs, thank you very much.

So the squirrel squealed, surprise, surprise. You know what they say, behind every nut-filled cheek lays a tongue just waiting for a chance to wiggle. Well I'll make sure this squirrel's tongue's wiggle chances are on a one-way ticket to Dodo Town, with a layover in Dinosaur International, flying bullet to the forehead airlines ::puts hand in vest where gun usually is:: ::as hand fishes around gun-less, squirrel starts laughing harder and harder::

Cops? What do you take me for, some sort of duplicitous scoundrel? A swindling blackguard out for a lock-em-up and free squirrel meat? No. No. No. The only cops I know are my partner of 20 years, Lieutenant Karlsson Joseph "Karjo" Vanderpump. And Sarge. And Detective Daveed in Cold Corn Cases. And Big Lou, Stevie Peppers, Jimbeldon, Skrewy Skeeve the Stuffed Up Steve in Homicide. And Pee-Pee Balloons, Georgie Porny, Gaga Lady, Fickle Frankle, Dick Trickle-Pickle, Prick Tickle-Drickle, Tick Prickle-Drick (no relation) in the CSI Lab, and the entire traffic department, all the rookies in the dunk tank awaiting dry towels and a chance at the big time, oh and Cat Patrolman, the cat cop with mad hops. But none of them are here. And that is irrelevant. Because it' s past midnight and I'm sitting on 30 cases of corn that ain't gonna be worth crack spit come sunrise, and the only squirrel I be seein' right now is the one I am looking at in my photos over and over again because I loves him and misses hims and needs to pet his squirrel nut face again PRONTO NOW ASAPEEEESH?

Good thing I replied in October. Just made the cut! Calendar superstardom, here I come, ooooh can you just picture it? The lazy denim Wednesdays with Teri Garr and Jon Lovitz? The sparkling watermelon coolers in the pool house with the Small Wonder robot and Charo? And to think what my life would have been like had I waited just one sun roundie!

Gorp. Get your gorp here. Weird name, great taste. Well, not this particular batch, no chocolate in this one but hey.......raisins are......ummmm....Get your Gorp here. Gorp. Gorp for sale. Get it while it's funny to say and hard to chew. Which is always.

Back in my day, we had to write out our catchphrases in longhand using our own blood as ink due to the ink shortages caused by the using ink as blood fad that was sweeping the nation and mopping the country at the time.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? Bitch, don't be gettin all green thumb up in here after you just called me "quite contrary" How 'aboutt I go quite contrary on your face with this ho, ho. THat's how my garden grow, yo

My pee is yellow. My mood is mellow. If only I had a catchy nickname. And that is how Pee Mood soda was born.

Any human eating dog food falls into one of 3 categories: 1. Curiosity (same people that taste their own cum). 2. Dare/to show off (same people that eat a bucket of their own cum) 3. Legit hunger/hobo times (same people that can't cum because Denver Pete sliced their peckers off for stealing his beans)

If ALF isn't voted into the Pog Hall-of-Fame unanimously in his first year eligible, we riot.

First things first the Guava you speak of is on a vacation of the mind and has brought in the brain in a jar of a curious ol' specter he once cleaned nipples from baby bottles for, 1,000 a day or he got the boot. He lasted one hour but the ol man made enough of an impression on him that the Pure Guava auto-reply bot can do enough of an impression of him that nothing could go wrong and it will be short and funny not long and weird. OK then: Brittle old nipples, eh? You didn't mention the age nor the....condition of your milk nozzles....Oh yes, that is exactly what I said "milk nozzles". Yes, on purpose. Milk nozzles is of course not medically accurate due to your gender but now we play a little game called Ponder this Powder Puddle: Question: Would they would be milk nozzles if Mother Nature wasn't such a cruel unforgiving hag that sought it fit to deny half of the human race their rightful place as owners of the white gold, the liquid silver, the life-giving platinum? Answer: Shut up boy the grown up is talking: Yes I speak of the milk of mankind: boobie drip drops slurpy slurp.....pardon my drool pool, when the vitamin fortified baby grower, the pale oil burning in man's guts for millennia straightening his back and his as well as his...ahem....desire to pillage every village, to plunder moist crevices and become thunder, hoist nemesis into the tear-filled canyon of that stingy salt water succubus, Oh Ye gods, why place me upon yonder man milk-denier planet? Why see to it that the birthed me carried with it an accursed flappity dappity, the existence of which is my expired plates on the milk truck of life! And Mother Nature the no-nonsense man hater who drops a kilo of what appears to be cocaine to the judge, sending me to a life sentence of having a milk-free chest like some barbaric heathen barrister get his curly wig kicks from boiled oil enemas on a jaywalker EGADS MAN my imagination frightens me....calm down, me, the British Buffalo Bill is from ages too long ago for the memory echo to bubble to the surface on occasions other than your memory palace...OF HORRORS. Dearest milk Lords in the sky, let me pay a fee, let me feel the knife's steel redemption, let me live backwards until I shimmy up sweet momma's sweet Virginia hidey-hole and let me and my blade friend, Ol' Slingsalot rearrange me until I'm sane You see boy, I'm dead set on getting my man chest flowing with a white gusher strike so immense my 74 years of begging deaf gods for a way to tap into the holy milk core no matter their cost physical or spiritual you can have my soul you can my soul's glow I need to borrow your nipplers if I can be so blunt, I have a lead that has me smelling that water tower of calcium juice in my sleep, I'm close I tells ya, closer than any man alive or dead has come to turning his desert teets into a white oasis. You seem confused. Let me see the noppy napple slaps you spoke of earlier, if they are as brittle and old enough to pass as a 5 star on my 5 star rating system I'll change my will before my sponge is fully squeezed. If you are just sweet talking a poor old dying milkman? Then may you be cursed to spend eternity with your lips glued on a zombie cow's fecal and bacteria sewage spurts as that toxic sludge squirts into baby dead you's half-shredded yuck lip while all the other calves next to you get Kate Upton clones for all their milk desires and all their dick milk desires once they come of age and you'll have to sit there with your impartial lips sealed to your rot cow momma so as to not miss a putrid drop of your 24/7 meal in a dead tube I will not rest until mah-mah-mah-maaaahllllkkky milllllllllkkkkkjummmmmmmsss MILK Ah yes, It seems I have flooded this office with my energetic saliva shower due to the conversation being that white soup I want to shove into where I poop-centric, you see, I have a visceral reaction that Pavlov himself would cross out due to the outlier status of my off-the-chartski-supercharged as fuck state when milk, mommy's milk, mind you, gooooosssshhhhh guuuuuuusssshhhh oh my, feeling a bit faint after that one, now where was I? Yo-you-ou best not be drinking or thinking milk from any other source than female human. Period. Milky atoms crossing my lips from a source of Nuts and beasts of the field? EGAD sinner, next you'll tell me incest porn is a mainstream hit rather than the impossible to find, backroom kill a stranger to secure the password, travel 3 months on a dusty dicked donkey to find some gold nugget swallowing master of ceremonies eager to vacuum your hard earned purse but stingy as a dead Santa Claus to let us get our hands on the present we came for to cum for. A horror show meant for freaks and billionaires back in the old times That is surprising, huh. ....cow milk? More like: How milk? Almond milk? Allwrong Milk is what I say. Coconut milk? NoMoNut, kilt, because I'll castrate ya and make you wear a skirt to show off your new scar parts. Cashew Milk? Bash you, Quick is my answer to that inquiry. I think I'm dying of dehydration brought on by squirting out a drool pool's worth of excite-spit when milk is in my thoughts which is every 2 minutes. Bury me in a vat of breast milk and you can drive the Bentley of your choice home. I now lay down for one more tormented EARTH slumber but when I wake I shall be in utero and I swear if I see a dongle dangler down below, there isn't a hog's Meade in heaven or earth that could stop me from strangling my fetus face until I get another spin on the crystal wheel to a new belly hole home and I'll keep ropin' and mopin' until the chromosomes are of a pattern that allows me to drip my dreams from my head beams to my lips, what a trip! I could go on for hours because of my hate for mimicry of man's mammalian moisture miracle knows no bounds but you know what does have bounds? My hydration levels, they seem to have passed into an area lacking enough to bring about my demise quick enough where there is only one course of action, Jack's son.

I'd like to option this screenplay post-haste, how does 170 cans of creamed corn sound? What's that? Oh a real haggle-boy, eh? O.K. I like your moxie, Cornfax. This biz needs more straight shooters like you. Now let me straight shooting you this: Last offer. 300 creamy cans, producer credit, flapslap on the ribs (professional, supervised) and 2.5 cornpoints on the back end.... Say yes or get the cornfuck out of my offhusk

Hi, my name's Shep Lunderson, and I hope you vote my penis into your vagina this election day. America. Children. Future. Family Values. Penis into vagina. Vote Lunderson.

April.......Harris Wittles Memorial Month and Happy Birthday Celebration and Opiate Addiction Awareness/Support Month - May......MAYor of Hollywood Chip Gardner - July....Jukebox JULY (please come back oh juice box jumpy how I miss your awful sometimes brilliant mostly awful songs) \ - Sept....I would do this month sept it's hard to think of one - December (with bonus January 2019 acronym included) D. on't E.ver C.hrist-Shame! E.ven joking M.any B.elievers E.specially R.ight-Wing Nutjobs Joke right back: Acts of violence. Now they're protected Under America's Racist Yucky shithead president

Montreal? More like Lè Mońtreál, citie ou petite luminiere, merde-tête

I was going to make and successfully land a "Sister Fister Project" joke but this topic is too important, too dear to my heart. Go vote the bad guys out it's that simple or should be I suppose I should say, nothing simple about voter fraud, intimidation, gerrymandering, bullying, lying, racism, etc. There's a lot funny about it but not right now. Rain check until new president sworn in