Remember, if you liked this catchphrase,don't forget to hit the like & subscribe buttons on the bottom left corner of your screen.Stay pure my Guavas!

[Remember, if you liked this catchphrase,don't forget to hit the like & subscribe buttons on the bottom left corner of your screen.Stay pure my Guavas!]

Remember, if you like this catchphrase, don't forget to hit the like and subscribe buttons on the bottom left corner of your screen. Stay pure my guavas!

[G.O.A.T. cheese must have some really confident parents to name their kid like that, poor cheese, that's a lot of pressure to live up to such a title]

G.O.A.T. cheese must have some really confident parents to name their kid like that, poor cheese, that's a lot of pressure to live up to such a title from day one.

[Objects in mirror are closer than they appear because they don't exist, the Matrix is real, the world is a computer simulation to keep us enslaved]

Help us Neo!

 

 

I didn't see the sequels were they any good?

[Up Shit's Creek without a paddle?Don't worry, it's only knee deep until you hit Shit's River,besides you'll pass Shit's Paddle Outlet on the way there]

Poo

[Yo momma so fat, she must be pregnant again, tell her Denise from work said congratulations and I hope she enjoyed the gift basket the girls & I sent]

Yo momma so fat, she must be pregnant again, tell her Denise from work said congratulations and I hope she enjoyed the gift basket the girls and I sent.

[Catch-poem: To the chocolate bunnies---Hot sunny not funny---Brown sugar flesh runny---Melted into nothing, honey---Your yummy bunny just a memory.]

To the chocolate bunnies

Hot sunny not funny

Brown sugar flesh runny

Melted into nothing, honey.

Your yummy bunny just a memory

[I bet the pumpkin that turned into a carriage is the Cinderella of the story in the Pumpkin Book of Fairy Tales.]

I bet the pumpkin that turned into a carriage is the Cinderella of the story in the Pumpkin Book of Fairy Tales.

[I'm not going away I'm Scott! (x2) Hey yo, I'm just Bang-Banging comedy I'm youngish, dress snappy & hung wee And I'm not going away I'm Scott!]

Let me set the scene for you: Earwolf studios, executive boardroom, Jason Mantzoukas is trying to take over Comedy Bang Bang by pitching a new, more risqué, Howard Stern-esque show with nude 19 year old girls while Scott is holding his ground the best he can:

 

 

I'm not going away I'm Scott!

I'm not going away I'm Scott!

Hey yo, I'm just Bang-Bangin' comedy

I'm young-ish, dress snappy and hung wee

And I'm not going away I'm Scott!

 

 

I'm gonna discuss that dripping milk to bring knowledge

I prob'ly should talk some tang, so fans don't admonish

Why let the people hear I-Brain but sex was abolished

It's not that kind of show? We heard

But every existing ban I will demolish!

Like allowing female guests in the buff, webcams of all their holes

Trying to reach my pole. With my power of speech:

Eat the peach I'm able

Age nineteen guests, no older

These Hollywood streets get colder, I'll hold her

Ev'ry runaway, ev'ry teen with a disadvantage

I ask my manager to make her clothes vanish

They walk these streets famished

The plan for fans is a dating game

But damn I want the girls to only call my name

I am the

J-A-S-O-N-M-A-N-T-Z-O-U-K-A-S

 

END ACT ONE TO BE CONTINUED

[What's the deal with Seinfeld impressions? You make an observation and ask questions loudly? Is that it? I mean, come on people! What's the deal?]

What's the deal with Seinfeld impressions? You make an observation and ask questions loudly? Is that it? I mean, come on people! What's the deal?

 

 

 

VERSION 2:

ONLY PURE GUAVA PATREON SUBSCRIBERS ARE ALLOWED TO LOOK AT THIS 2nd VERSION IF YOU ARE NOT A SUBSCRIBER DO NOT LOOK AT THIS AWESOME BONUS CONTENT

 

What's the deal with Seinfeld impressions? People hate them, it's been played out for over a decade but we still do them? I mean, come on people! What's the deal?

 

 

IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY PEEKED OR ARE A REBEL THAT CARES NOT FOR RULES, LOOKED IN SPITE OF THE WARNING, AND NOW ARE UNABLE TO IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT MORE PURE GUAVA IN YOUR LIFE THEN PLEASE SEND $5 TO PATREON ALONGSIDE A NOTE TELLING PATREON TO SEND THE MONEY TO ME; I’M NOT SURE WHAT A PATREON IS OR WHAT IT DOES, I’M AN ARTIST NOT A WEBSITE ENCYCLOPEDIA

[Everybody poops, some people fart, nobody pees,a few people vomit, one person burps. Thus Spoke Zarathustra & thus we all ignored him,with good reason]

Everybody poops, some people fart, nobody pees, a few people vomit, one person burps. Thus Spoke Zarathustra & thus we all ignored him,with good reason

[The only legitimate reason to buy a shipping company is to require every Captain in your fleet to legally change their last name to "Beefheart".]

The only legitimate reason to buy a shipping company is to require every Captain in your fleet to legally change their last name to "Beefheart".

[Spy vs. Spy vs. Dwindling magazine sales vs. Eyesight too bad to see those small doodles in the margins vs. MAD Magazine, is that even still a thing?]

Spy vs. Spy vs. Dwindling magazine sales vs. Eyesight too bad to see those small doodles in the margins vs. MAD Magazine, is that even still a thing anymore?

[Poor Grover Cleveland, spent so much of his time explaining to the nation that he was neither muppet nor city that he didn't pass a single bill.]

Poor Grover Cleveland, spent so much of his time explaining to the nation that he was neither muppet nor city that he didn't pass a single bill.

[Yo bro, Fro-Yo? No go, amigo, I owe Slow Joe a blow on the down low, ya know? Whoa Moe, TMI, ya know? Fo sho, Joe, no woe no mo, I'll grow like a pro.]

Yo bro, Fro-Yo? No go, amigo, I owe Slow Joe a blow on the down low, ya know? Whoa Moe, TMI, ya know? Fo sho, Joe, no woe no mo, I'll grow like a pro.

[We can dance if we want to, we can leave our cares behind, because we paid for the proper permits. I have the paperwork right here, officer.]

We can dance if we want to, we can leave our cares behind, because we paid for the proper permits. I have the paperwork right here, officer.

[Shampoodler stuck his doodler in Colfax McLiverneck's MondoMudbutt]

Corny.

 

Spoiler alert: I'm horny!

[Why sex ed never covers the fact that a boy's 1st erection always points in the direction of his 1 true love is beyond me.Seems like pretty vital info]

To clarify: even if the initial boner happens in Indiana and his soulmate is a girl he's never met in Nepal, the boner will point towards Nepal. Many broken hearts could be prevented if we had at this head start towards true love. Wherever the magic boner (first boner only, after that its divining rod powers are no more) points you pack your luggage, catch a train in that direction and don't stop dating girls in that part of the hemisphere until you meet "her". So many wasted dates on girls on the wrong side of the globe.

 

Thanks a lot Ed (Ed "Sex Ed" Tomlinson, the only sex ed teacher qualified to teach on Earth until the next albino deer is spotted during a blood moon. That is the sign the chosen one awaits, upon which he/she will begin the protocol of succession (hunt, trap, kill Ed, then eat his heart, watch 31 reruns of Ally McBeal BACKWARDS, jaywalk on accident, write a best-selling cookbook and finally read the ancient scroll entitled "Everything You Wanted To Know About Weiners, Girl Parts And Butts But Were Afraid To Ask"...then and only then will he/she take his place as the World's One True Dong Professor), I can't wait until your heart fills the stomach of the next incarnation of St. Sexy, there's no way he/she could be worse than your magic boner ignoring ass.

[An Apple Watch a day keeps the doctor's hair grey, your arms can't support these weight increases, he's worried he's going to have to amputate.]

An Apple Watch a day keeps the doctor's hair grey, the musculature in your arms can't support these ongoing weight increases, he's known you since birth and is worried he's going to have to amputate.

[Why sex ed never covers the fact that a boy's 1st erection always points in the direction of his 1 true love is beyond me.Seems like pretty vital info]

Why sex ed never covers the fact that a boy's first erection always points in the direction of his one true love is beyond me. Seems like pretty vital information to have at the time.

[Dolph Lundgren-safe tuna should be Greenpeace's first priority. I've seen him down a metric ton of sashimi in less than an hour.]

Dolph Lundgren-safe tuna should be Greenpeace's first priority. I've seen him down a metric ton of sashimi in less than an hour.

[Check your privilege at the door. Privilege check is right next to coat check, you'll need a separate ticket for each one.]

Check your privilege at the door. Privilege check is right next to coat check, you'll need a separate ticket for each one.

[Duran Duran used to be just "Duran" but the guy who says everything twice in Goodfellas was their manager and the rest is history history]

Duran Duran used to be just "Duran" but the guy who says everything twice in Goodfellas was their manager and the rest is history history

[It’s not you, it’s me. Me and my can of corn. Me and my can of corn and a squirrel. A sexy squirrel named Alicia. And my can of corn. And me. Not you.]

Somebody had corn for dinner last night!

 

 

Guava is better for you. Fruits>Vegetables. Unless the Bog Witch is lying, she's been known to play with emotions in the past...she told me I'd have 10 catchphrases read in 2017, I rented a tux for the Catchies awards and everything and then....nothing....

[I bet the basketball world was relieved when Michael Jordan made it to the NBA. 100 years of calling the best player the Michael Jordan of (CONT)]

I bet the basketball world was relieved when Michael Jordan made it to the NBA. 100 years of calling the best player the Michael Jordan of basketball and nobody knew who the hell they were talking about.

[They say there's no higher honor than winning an Oscar, I guess they never met Judge Parker, he smokes crack 24/7.]

They say there's no higher honor than winning an Oscar, I guess they never met Judge Parker, he smokes crack 24/7.