Sally sells seashells because Sally has average merchandise. Come to Pete's A-shells, we guarantee the highest quality shells in the Tri-State area

[Sally sells seashells because Sally has average merchandise. Come to Pete's A-shells, we guarantee the highest quality shells in the Tri-State area]

Sally

[Anyone can turn a horse into glue, it's turning the glue back into a horse that is the hard part.]

$$$

[Next on an all-new Celebrity Swamp Games: Playing Boggle in a bog with Wade Boggs.]

$$$

[Fuck the police. Maybe the sexual release and resulting endorphin rush will calm their itchy trigger fingers]

Yo

[Duck, duck, goose, stick it in my caboose. Goose, goose, duck, these birds know how to fly south for the winter]

Duck, duck, goose, stick it in my caboose. Goose, goose, duck, these birds know how to fly south for the winter

[There's a crispness in the air, the leaves are bursting with colors...grab your dogs & horses, it's time for the annual Beastiality-Con to begin!]

There's a crispness in the air, the leaves are bursting with colors...grab your dogs & horses, it's time for the annual Beastiality-Con to begin!

[There's no "i" in team but if you add "u" to firehose you have a shitty 80's band that can't put out a single fire.]

science

[I'll give you one guess what a lumberjack-off does to a tree once he cuts it down.]

it's in the name

[I've ordered 1,700 pot pies and have yet to find even a glimpse of a pot, not even a pan! These teeth aren't going to shatter themselves.]

ouch

[Flexible bros can touch their toes but will not rest until they get self-blown]

limber

[You kids better be good and pray to Pure Guava, or the Shampoodler wont come on April Fools Rebel Day and give you that Voblex you've been wishing for]

Will you be a vessel?

 

Money talks, bullshit walks because if it were reversed we'd need leashes on our wallets and a bullshit to English translator, who's going to pay for that?

 

So yes, I need paid for vesseldom because I am dying to find out what those steaming patties have to say to the world

[The House of pies diagnoses obscure ingredients while flouting bakery rules]

Hou$e of Pie$

[Who cut the cheese? Thou must repent for thy cheese cutting ways or be sent straight to eternal damnation with the meat slappers and cracker snappers]

Repent!

[The irony is, there's absolutely nothing OK about Oklahoma]

OK

[You kids better be good and pray to Pure Guava, or the Shampoodler wont come on April Fools Rebel Day and give you that Voblex you've been wishing for]

All prayers are answered in the order they were prayered.

 

But if you act now for only $4.99/month you can join the Gold Prayer Club, 5 prayers of your choice will be moved to the priority prayer line, the only way to guarantee a prayer reaching PG's heavenly ears.

[Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 coming to theaters soon.]

$$$

[Lotta black birds getting drunk, hitting each other with long metal tools at the crowbar.]

$$$

[I would have never believed I went on a bird murder spree if it weren't for all these bloody beaks in my bed]

$$$

[Lando "Chuckles" Calrissian throws cream pies and squirts seltzer at the Empire at his home in Clown City]

$$$

[Pictures of cats in military gear are honored on Meme-orial day]

$$$

[There's only one man in America that can take down these clowns in November. #voteNader2016]

political

[Leaf blowers. 401Ks. Dockers khakis. Is that barista mocking me? Welcome to middle-aged Comedy Bang Bang.]

yes, she is

[When Mr. Scissors joined the team, Usain was conflicted between years of his mother's teachings and the desire to win the 4x100m dash]

When Mr. Scissors joined the team, Usain was conflicted between years of his mother's teachings and the desire to win the 4x100m dash

[It's one thing to be handy around the house, it's quite another to give handies around the clock.]

tick-tock

[He died doing the thing he loved most: Back-alley dolphin abortions. We're gonna miss you, you brave, delusional weirdo]

$$$