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Pure Guava

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Posts posted by Pure Guava

  1. Posted

    You know what they say about improv and finances.... If you don't get in on the Groundling floor UCBees everywhere because you couldn't afford a proper bee transporter to take the multiple hives your cheap-ass poverty house is covered in to a second city for bee dumping. Unpaid bee fees? Sheeeiiitttt, you think you poor? I've been poehler, and you besser trust me, I've been known to break out pics of me sucking Matt Walsh's dick for rent money to prove I'ant no Fancy Sanzy, Richie Rich, Roberts Baron living off a trust fund so I can do improv without a fucking paycheck. May I suggest stop Nichols and diming people? It's sillsy. Oh and bee fees? Bee fees nuts, you buncha unscripted drama Queens. Speaking of royalty,  Andy Daly is a God. Now be a Del and close the door for me, forgot my epi pen.

  2. Posted

    Frederick Herman Jones? I coulda swore Fred's last name was "The Scarf-Wearing Detective" that's what Scooby told me and if there's one thing we A-List celebrities originally from Santa Cruz that have co-hosted 2 podcasts on Earwolf with Scottrick "Rude Jude" Lawkerman agree on is that Scooby don't lie, bitches, Scooby is on the up and up, and if you flying higher than the giraffe's vagina that's sitting in a bucket of dry ice on seat 23A on Jet Blue flight 501 (Oakland to JFKENNEDY) as we speak in hopes of getting to the nunnery on time for the transplant surgery  (animal vagina transplants are all the rage among rich nuns these days thanks to the discovery of a missing piece of the Dead Sea Scrolls that contains a quote from Jesus during the Sermon on the Mount: "It's all good, bae, you still a virgin in daddy's eyes if the sex be happening  in your new animal hoo-haa, word up) to have a chance of success than you are too paranoid to lie, besides, he'd sell his own bitch mother out for just a nibble of a Scooby snack, lies are too hard for the desperate to keep track of;  It's easier to spill the beans and walk away rather than to rearrange the beans into different patterns you have to memorize. 


    I don't know if this is the beginning or the end of another caper all I know is fathering triplets with Leslie Knope ain't knope picnic, brother. 

  3. Posted

    The jig is up. The dance is done. The bird has left its cage. The fat lady has warbled her tune, which in this case is the Scooby Doo theme song. You caught me, this "Pure Guava" character was created to spread buzz about Jude Lincoln Law's upcoming projects. And I would have if it weren't for Ambien night walks of blank. Oh and of course you meddling kids. Grrrr. 

     

     

     

    Be sure to watch "Young Pope 2: Popin' Ain't Easy Movie only on TV" starring Adam Scott as Jude Law in his most memorable role yet: ( get ready for this twist to knock the fuckin' bees off your beard)  Fred, the scarf-wearing detective as Adam Scott as  Jude Law as Young Pope (Popius Ponti-Raid I, the First of His Name, he thirsts for that Fame (SPOILER ALERT) but can only find "Fame 2: Coco'n Ain't Easy" a direct-to-laserdisc disaster that tried to cash in on that Fame fame but could only wash out like a lame-lame. Fame 2: Coco'n Ain't Easy starring JUDE LINCOLN LAW AS COCO AND HOLY SHIT HIS SECRETARY WAS ALSO NAMED KENNEDY

    • Like 2

  4. Posted

    something is fishy here

    ok that's better, I stepped out of the salmon fishery

    At least that's what I want you to think...I"m on to you "Mayo Moo" like a burger with mayonnaise on it, hold the burger. Tasty. 

    In a place that may or may not smell like a salmon fishery, I will be waiting, bee repellent in hand, writing 0 star reviews for The Young Pope

     

     

    • Haha 1

  5. Posted

    OH SNAP,  AMBIEN SLEEPWALKING COMA HAS FUCKED ME AGAIN. Better let the rest of mommy's little blackout friend sleep in the dog house tonight. DVR, your sentence has been reprieved by Governor MooMoo with a last second call to the gas chamber that showed up fully installed and in working order in my basement one night (gophers that refused to make funny faces while holding a golf ball were the test subjects, not people, I may be a sick fuck but not a twisted sicko)  after what I'm guessing was an Ambien sleepwalking coma but I don't have any tools, technical know-how or a truck that can haul 7,000 tons of death machinery, much less the ability to transport and install it within an 10 hour window.

          I've never got a bill or weird charges on my bus pass, just a letter from England saying "I'm going to kill you in this very soon, "this" being the gas chamber that I paid to have installed during one of your weekly walking coma adventures and "kill" meaning murder you by strapping you into it and "you" meaning you and "soon" meaning within a fortnight." Sincerely Yours, Signed By Your Future Murderer,  J. Law.

         So random, do you think it has anything to do with the gas chamber? Best I could come up with is this Jlaw feller must be inviting me to play Fortnite. Oooohh maybe it's J-Lo spelled in an ethnically mysterious to me way. Playing Fortnite with J-Lo,  that'd be dope, right Mayor?

    4 hours ago, Bizby Moomoo said:

    The Jude Law and / or Bizby Moomoo RECORD ALL NEVER DELETE setting comes factory installed on most devices.  So unless SOMEONE turned it off...

     

     

    is

    • Haha 1

  6. Posted

    On 8/17/2018 at 9:47 AM, SideofMcG said:

    I want to do a podcast all about pogs. 

     

    But it is NOT ALLOWED to be called a Pogcast. 

     

     

    I've never pulled out 5 million dollars so fast only to shove all those green rectangles (5 million ones, it goes without saying except I just did) right back in the pockets and inflatable safe that's stuffed in the lining inside my boots and baskets woven into my sternum  from whence they came. You had a deal, Father McFunny, but you wouldn't budge from the title. In this business that's called being a title tittie and I only give 5 million to tittie titties if you catch my meaning...

     

    • Like 2

  7. Posted

    Law? Returns? Episode? What is this, the debut of "Where Are They Now: Jude Law Edition" on the network that has that contract to broadcast this show? I hope my DVR's Jude Law and/or Bizby Moomoo alert(s) was still set to RECORD ALL NEVER DELETE or some unlucky DVR is sleeping in the dog house tonight! 

    • Like 5

  11. Posted

    Is this catchphrase too long? Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it

     

    Whew, just made it, one more letter and I'd be over the limit have to add a (cont) or a contraction tht dnt' exist

  12. Posted

    Boys will be boys, men will turn into old men, but Boys 2 Men live forever in the part of our hearts that only rent to adolescents aging to adulthood while singing 4-part harmony over Philly soul with a touch of New Jack bad boy to keep the ladies frothing

  13. Posted

    Every pirate and French sailor you ever met tried to warn you that gonorrhea should be called stayorrhea but alas, the last pirate died 100 years before you were born and you abhor the thought of engaging with a Frenchman. 

    • Like 1

  16. Posted

    Hickory dickory dock, if you can use dickory in a sentence I'll suck your clock, the minute hand in particular is rather dusty. Afterwards I'll spit shine your penis, which is also encumbered w/ a layer of dust that demands the kind of clean only the suction of a wet mouth can provide

  18. Posted

    Has there ever been a more apropos bandname than Funkadelic? Only competition would be if the Grateful Dead were named Grateful Go Nowhere Wandering Wank-off Jams Interspersed w/ Moments of Real Beauty & Stellar Harmonies Bathed in a Fuckton Of Acid Dead

  22. Posted

    Wish the engineers would take a course on how to mic cats properly because Mitch's kitties have a tantalizing piece of hot goss just dripping with scandal and mayhem but until someone learns the proper angle to capture feline throat emissions the podcast world is being left in the dark of this world-shattering exposé.  Hope I got the right angle on the accent on the last "e" in exposé. That's next level grammar I'm not ready to accept responsibility for.

     

     

    • Like 1
    • Sad 1

  24. Posted

    This catchphrase is inspired by a true story: I haven't lost the will to live, damn you,  I've lost Will Twollive, the boy I'm supposed to be babysitting. Remove this straightjacket at once and lets go toddler hunting!

  25. Posted

    Oh bother, another drifter fell into the garbage disposal. My word those hitchhikers are ever so clumsy. Rutherford, be a dear, put on your hazmat suit and take care of Mr. Doe, would be a shame to get a mess on my new cashmere sweater

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