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Pure Guava

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Posts posted by Pure Guava

  1. Posted

    Episode 69? Up top my Thebrouxs!*

    *The-brouxs is what the members of a very exclusive and very very top secret Justin Theroux fan club call themselves. I shouldn't even be posting this due to the exclusive and secretive nature of this fan club but unlike the other Thebrouxs (who seem to only want to hang out when I forget to take my medication) I'd like some new members to take a turn with the shovel once in awhile, the sooner this underground tunnel to Justin's bedroom is finished, the sooner we get to drain the mystical red and white fluids from within his meat shell using the piercing staff of Moloxium. After the liquid is fully harvested and we can locate a pump to make "New Justin" attempt our Plan B if the plan I'm about to spend 5 days transmitting to you telepathically: an imposter gnome is placed inside the shriveled husk of Justin as it's being filled with worm slurry and magic words to make dem worm mimic the movements and personality of Earth's only organism pretty enough to make time weep at it's inability to stop moving forward, weeps time tears because it is powerless to let him stay young, pretty, with all his red blood and white goo still inside his body instead of being mixed with the ashes of an assassin to make the sacred paste that a dyslexic beetle (who bravely overcomes it's obstacle by never learning to read or speak, just like every other beetle in existence) in-between staying mute and never going to school it will spread those ashes we mentioned 3 hours ago upon the Gorbianthiax Stone. A three headed tiger whose only purpose is to successfully masturbate into a backwards river while Joey Lawrence from TV's Blossom recites the reanimation spell tattooed on his scrotum at birth in a language only heroes and ghosts can hear, luckily a heroic ghost happened to be passing by with a pen and paper, he takes the spell over to a taxidermist to be woven into the skin of a live badger who will murder and eat the taxidermist but not before the taxidermist eats the badger, the resulting poop of the victor of that riddle contains the incantation that must be thought of aloud in a mirror after a shower with a old lady sitting in a corner pointing at your junk, making the thinker feel self-conscience. It is the blood from the eventual suicide of the old lady in a  dramatic twist you didn't see coming that we will use to bring back the Dark Lord Prince Ruler Guy Beast Thing to take his rightful place on the Throne of some word with x's and z's in it so you know it's all weird and magical and stuff. There he will summon the corpse chewers and the ice giants and the space ostriches with the sharp dicks and all the bad guys and we gonna stomp yo ass and we gonna enslave y'all and hope you like sweating and spending eternity swinging a pick-axe at a bunch of rocks and being chained to random strangers and probably getting raped by dead animals or some shit, it'll be brutal but that's what you get for not protecting Justin Theroux at all times like a smart planet does. You think someone who is that pretty WON'T have magical cumblood that will  be used as the catalyst for an apocalyptic dimension-shattering war among light and shadow? Have you even read the Shadow Slates of the Dead, they should be in the bottom of the deepest canyon in your deepest ocean accessible to all those who can survive the pressure (both literal and figurative pressure) like any other billion year old manuals from dimensions sharing your Ogg Orbit. Yeh DOYYYYYY. 

  2. Posted

    Edamame? Order Edamame? You know damn well Ed's mommy has been dead for 3 years you heartless bitch! You can't just replace a mother's love with money and a menu and why is there a waiter here------ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......sorry about the bitch comment but you are technically heartless, ROBO-WIFE-2J9000

  3. Posted

    If you crash a cargo plane full of packages onto a deserted island you are going to have to get over your fear of box lunches. 'Twas a silly phobia to begin with & the glue in the cardboard has enough protein to keep you alive for at least a few weeks                                                                       

  6. Posted

    If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all because you were supposed to study chapter 7 over the weekend which covers the words "anything" and "nice" please read at your desk quietly until you are caught up.

  8. Posted

    A pickle & a mongoose walk into a bar, go up to the counter and ask the bartender for a drink. Bartender stares at them with wide eyes, then clutches his chest and drops down dead. To see a pickle & a mongoose walk & talk were too much for his ol' ticker.

  11. Posted

    1 hour ago, Foltaire said:

    As my Mexican friend said after I offered him some of my MDMA: "thank you, I am going to enjoy joe mandy". 

    Your Mexican friend then turned to me, gave a sly lil' wink and said "Joe Mande the alternative comic, that is, who is making waves in the comedy podcasting world with his boisterous character work, celebrity impressions, and outrageous observations on things you and I see every day but take for granted. Don't worry, Joe Knows Things™ "Don't Worry, Joe Knows Things®©" coming soon to an audiobook discount warehouse or in the backseat of a Mercury Topaz near you, maybe on top of you, depends on where the night takes us. And how good this molly is, ammirite?"

    • Like 7
    • Thanks 1

  12. Posted

    If you ever feel like you don't belong, that everyone is staring & laughing at you like a freak, & you don't know where to turn just know...stop wearing make-up & a g-string to teach kindergarten, yr' going to be arrested if you don't put corn on pants

     

    100% more corn than the original. I hope this concludes our "arrangement" ::slides 200 rusty cans of expired creamed corn across table::

  13. Posted

    If you ever feel like you don't belong, that everyone is staring & laughing at you like a freak,& you don't know where to turn just know...stop wearing clown make-up & a g-string to teach kindergarten, yr' going to be arrested if you don't cover that thing up

  15. Posted

    Surprised I didn’t hear more about the creator of beloved comic strip “Bloom County” joining the cast of Queer Eye. His current wife and ex-wife must be getting a lot of questions from their pastor, whom they both are co-married to, and from the press, whom they are both dating, my sources tell me Maureen Dowd got to touch a boob after only 2 dates and Dave Berry is not happy about it

  17. Posted

    4 hours ago, Call-Waiting-For-Godot said:

    🌋

    I'm Pure Guava and I'm here to say

    I like to rap in a spitteth fire way

    Volcano ash as I smash...your balls like Kurt Bevacqua 

    All your sisters getting blisters...change my name to Pure Lava

    Please welcome Pure Guava/Lava's backup band/menacing crew The Lavacadoes Featuring Lil' Guavamole as they come out from the shadows and do that Cypress Hill guy that's not B-Real barking repeating yowl hype man shit:

     

    PURE LAVA??  Yeah,Yeah, Yoooooo....he's hot n' fruity, y'all

    PURE LAVA!!! No No, Noooo.......not short like Flutie, y'all

    PURE LAVA??? Yeah yeah yeah...if you try and mimic his flow your tongue will literally melt in your mouth, not in your hand, because your hand will have already been consumed by the cleansing fire, give in to the Pure Flame, heat rises you know.....Guava Pure-idice  is awaiting those willing to get ashed by his hot spurting nozzle

    • Haha 1

  20. Posted

    Snitches get stitches...in their torn clothing, which inevitably receive damage during the beatdowns their bitch asses deserve for being  rat finks, but nobody deserves to walk home with a hole in their jeans after getting their kneecaps shattered so we use the sewing skills we learned in prison and help those who need help because we helped them need help.

  25. Posted

    Crossing time zones too often will cause havoc on my poor mime bones. To calm down I make hand motions like I'm putting cones around a crime zone (to protect anyone from slipping on the bloody limestone), make a sitting motion, pretend to plug a mic and amp into a frog (only way to get that authentic slime tone), and proceed to noiselessly rap so well it would cause the mime groupies (if such a thing existed) to make sublime groans, unable to keep their hands inches away from me until one thing leads to another, finally I'm motioning exhaustion from getting Anaheim Blown (that's getting a b.j. while wearing mouse ears), fake chewing dime scones from Thyme Throne until the magic spell is broken, sun comes up and that's when the grime is shown and all known rhymes have flown from my voiceless mouth, taking flight, climb alone  to find the planet where I'm known                                                                                                                       

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