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Pure Guava

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Posts posted by Pure Guava

  4. Posted

    There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It smells like old bird jizz. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, between a bird dick and a twig that it rubbed up against and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge, and it seems like that rotten bird splooge smell is coming from right over there. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone. Febreeze isn't working, you should wear a respirator, this old bird cum smell be nasty, yo.

  5. Posted

    Alternate/original/too long for topic title window: Salvadderall Dali paintings are defined by their manic energy, note how the paint practically vibrates off the canvas, enters your pores and fills you with an urge to clean every square inch of your house as you ponder why the ultra-thin lady with bad skin in the painting is taking apart melted clocks in the dead of the night

     

    I think Salvadderall Adderalli works better, but what do I know, it’s not like I’m a painter, no, it’s just me, Adam Scott, star of stage and screen. Sorry to disappoint and NO, you cannot have Scott Aukerman’s cell phone number so quit asking, nerds

  8. Posted

    I'm trying out this new "Wholesome Catchphrases" board game I found inside the whale I accidentally knocked out cold when I peed in the ocean. And,no, I'm not referencing my famously huge donga-lingo everyone is constantly asking to see or touch and no you cannot do either. I knocked that blowhole blowhard out because my pee was approximately 32% pure methamphetamine, 13% gasoline, and 55% fleeing the scene...as in, I better scram before the whale police follow my three footprints (2 feet and a miniature valley between them like this ............0 I .............

    ............. I...............

    ......................I0..............

    ....................0I.................

    ......................I0............

     

    ....................0I..............

    ......................I.0................

    ....................0I................

    ......................I0.............

     

    psssst....over here.....

     

     

     

    yeah you......

     

    $5.oo to look at it

    $10.00 to touch it

    $500 to fuck a whale's blowhole with it

    $5,000 for an autographed copy of it

    $50,000 to adopt it but you can't name it something stupid

  11. Posted

    Alternate/original/too long for topic title window: Salvadderall Dali paintings are defined by their manic energy, note how the paint practically vibrates off the canvas, enters your pores and fills you with an urge to clean every square inch of your house as you ponder why the ultra-thin lady with bad skin in the painting is taking apart melted clocks in the dead of the night

  12. Posted

    Work your core? More like twerk on spores. C'mon down to Mold's Gym where we never wipe the equipment and force the sinks to overflow at night to give all of our carpets that damp spotted funk feel the next day that we know you love to rub your spandex all over, we know you love it, we see it accidentally when trying to spot someone a and hey! Have I ever said stop?

     

    That's the Mold's Gym promise: No judge and jury, only sludge that's furry......so hurry, down to Mold's Gym today for our 3-for-1 coupon, that's three chunky milk smoothies for the price of one, stomach pump not included.

  16. Posted

    The best things in life are free. The yummy honey straight from the hive? Free! The 287 stingers lodged in your face alone? Free! Oh, and that undiagnosed bee allergy that causes your throat to slowly constrict, shutting off your airway and causing your slow and painful death? All of it free, free, free!

  21. Posted

    Ponytails shouldn't be allowed on any girl who can't swing her own machete. Only the battle tested shall know the pride of wearing a blood trophy. As a bonus the bloody hank upon your head acts as a warning to any lippy bitches at school that you are not weak with blood fear, you draw joy from flesh carving and will be happy to assist them to the bridge of shadows to walk with their ancestors if they choose to meet you upon the blood dome's floor.

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