Cameron H.

Two more (upsetting) things: Although I appreciate the Rear Window-esque bit of pure cinema in the hospital where the camera pans over the pictures of Allan running and winning various events before finally revealing him in bed in all his Marty Stouffer bearded glory, what kind of monster would put those pictures up in the first place? "Hey guy, just a perpetual reminder of that thing you used to love to do, but will never do again. Here, let's put them right in eye shot so you have no choice but to look at them." Guys, why does everyone HATE Allan? Also, right before they have sex, Allan goes to kiss Melanie and misses. His head drops, and in a great bit of acting, he quietly weeps. She is now standing behind him and silently unbuttons her sexy flannel shirt. Okay, I am good with all of that (although I am not sure I am good with her laying full body weight on someone who most likely has issues breathing), my main problem is that she doesn't reassure him first that everything is cool. The dude is going through some shit. He probably feels a little stupid and helpless. So Dumb-dumb, maybe before you start stripping off your clothes and flashing your boobs, you give him a little kiss. Maybe tell him, "Hey, it's okay, I am into you too." Fuck, I'm sorry, I feel like John Cleese in Monty Python and the Meaning of Life ("Why not start off with a kiss, hmmm? ...We have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris!), but I thought it was pretty weird.

Something I had a real problem with, and was not touched on too much in this episode, was Stephan Root's character. First of all, I don't know if it is explicitly stated in the movie, but I was under the impression that he and Geoffrey worked for a college and not an R&D department for a company or something. So, when Root is telling him that people are demanding "results" from Geoffrey it kind of boggled my mind. Who is demanding results? The Alumni Association? Is this some school where Science department is the equivalent to a college football team that people root for? Boola-boola, I guess. Also, and I mentioned it in the Mini-Episode for this, but Geoffrey, in that same scene, tells Root that the brain cells are from some random girl. I sincerely thought that it was going to be uncovered at some point that the girl in question was some mentally unstable stalker or something. Of course, the science on this is still suspect as I think injecting brain matter into a living creature's butt is more likely to result in either nothing or death, but in movie terms, I would have bought it. Ella, at first, does act as a caring girlfriend: dims the lights, cuddles with him, plays romantic music. For Christ's sake, when Melanie is out of the picture, she prepares what looks to be a candlelight dinner!!! You know, the kind of things a human woman might do for her boyfriend/crush/stalk-ee. And finally, Paul's reading of the alternate ending makes a lot more sense in regard to Root's motivations. They didn't bring it up in the episode, but Root steals Pankow's serum. As it stands in the movie, that whole subplot gets more or less dropped. I understand the need to put pressure on Geoffrey to make him perform some questionable experiments, but I think you could have cut Root's character from the film entirely and established this pressure in just a line of dialog. But what do I know? I don't have access to the mountains of cocaine I assume was required to make this piece of shit.

Once again,fantastic episode! What bugged me, and I know this can be said about many movies, is that there is not a scene where Allan and Melanie have to explain what happened to the police. I mean, four people are dead! They are going to have to report it, right? Are we supposed to believe that the cops are just going to buy it with no questions asked? So, for those interested, I took the liberty of re-writing the ending to Monkey Shines. INT. ALLAN’S LIVING ROOM- NIGHT The muffled rumble of the passing thunderstorm can be heard from outside. Red and blue lights strobe through the open front door as the covered bodies of ALLAN’S MOTHER and GEOFFREY are being wheeled out. Somewhere, a DOG howls..? From his vantage, ALLAN can see MELANIE in the kitchen, a blanket wrapped over her shoulders as the EMT’S examine her head. Nervously, she makes a SUBTLE motion to her lips. ALLAN cocks his eyebrow in confusion. She makes the motion again and he nods in understanding. With his tongue he licks the MONKEY BLOOD and VISCERA from his lips. Scratching his head, DETECTIVE PHIL COLLINS walks over to ALLAN, yellow steno pad in hand. DETECTIVE COLLINS: Okay, let’s go over this again MR. MANN… (Chuckles at the name) We have four dead bodies. First we have your ex-girlfriend, who did you dirty with your doctor, our second victim; the same doctor whose misdiagnoses you blame for your recent paralysis. Then we have your mother, by all accounts a wealthy woman who recently sold her business, which makes you—as her only son—the sole beneficiary of her estate. And finally, your best friend, but as the college has no records of the experiments he was performing, makes him the only person who could corroborate what you are saying. Which is again? ALLAN: (sighs) The Monkey did it. DETECTIVE COLLINS: Riiiiight. (He looks at the tiny chalk outline of where Ella’s body was recovered.) We also have testimony from a NURSE MARYANNE that claims you threatened her pet bird, saying, and I quote: “It deserves to fucking die.” And when she awoke the next morning, she did in fact find her pet dead, tucked away in her slipper. ALLAN: (Nodding) This is also a fact. Look, I promise you… (Mumbles lamely) Telepathy…monkey… DETECTIVE COLLINS: Save it MANN! You’re gonna be going away for a long time. (He gestures toward MELANIE having her superficial wounds looked at) You two sickos thought you’d get away with it, didn’t you? You two with your…your MONKEY SHINES! DETECTIVE COLLINS looks directly to CAMERA and WINKS. FREEZE FRAME. PHIL COLLINS’ “TWO HEARTS” plays over credits. ROMEREO waits for Academy Award.

What bugged me is that it is clear that there is no one on the street behind him: he's jogging, the street is empty, he's jogging, and there's like a Cadillac driving slowly behind him, he's jogging, empty street, dog barks, a truck manifests out of nowhere and launches him twirling into the sky.

First of all, I thought it was the monkey's butt, but I guess that is on me. What I thought while watching the movie was that the brain cells being injected were going to turn out from some mentally unstable person. In the scene where Geoffrey (or nerdy John Constantine, Hellblazer and Master of the Mystic Art of hard-boiled, self-narrated exposition) and Stephan Root, there is a throw away line that the brain cells are from college girl who had died. I seriously thought, "Oh, they are going to find out later that this girl was unhinged and dangerously obsessive," but nope, apparently not the case.

Right?! I mean to each their own, but such a bizarre choice...

We don't see it, so we can only assume that is exactly what happens.

I don't get it. You say this like naked calisthenics is somehow an unusual thing to do....

Same. I am actually watching it again right now. You know what guys? I think I may actually have a problem....

This would be amazing! That MST3K episode is one of my favorites. I also just remembered Ernest does an impression of Bogart doing a line from Casablanca in Ernest Goes to Jail, so that could be added to the cut as well.

Barb Wire springs immediately to mind... Also, the bird is named "Bogey," but it isn't his bird. So it wasn't just a character thing... It seems that in this world, people can't go a day without thinking about Casablanca. Oh! Batman and Robin too! Man, it is pretty ballsy to remind people of a movie that is universally hailed as one of the greatest movies of all time in any film, much less the garbage films discussed here. That's some gumption right there. I gotta respect it.

So....Monkey Shines has a real "will they, won't they" vibe to it. That being said, who had the stronger hotter, sexual tension: Peter and Amy in Congo, or Allan and Ella in this?

Two things in regard to Monkey Shines: First of all, this movie reinforces my theory that Stanley Tucci is in everything. Second, my favorite line in the movie is when the main character tells Ella (the monkey), "If I'm gonna suffer through this shit, you're gonna suffer with me." I liked it because the actor had a genuine smile on his face. I imagine he had a real meta moment when delivering that line.

The way I see it they are only able to do about 26 movies a year, and that's if everything goes to plan. We all have our pet movies we want to hear talked about, but there are so many movies out there worth talking about there is no way they can get to them all. This at least gives us an outlet to talk about these movies until they can get around to it, and there is no guarantee they ever will. Personally, I trust their choices more than my own. For the longest time I wanted them to do the The Recruit, but I hadn't seen it in years, I just remembered hating it. Recently I found it for like 5 bucks and bought it for a laugh. I was disappointed that it wasn't as crazy as I remembered it being. In fact, aside from one or two moments, it was just really dull...I didn't even finish it.

Thanks, Kickpuncher!

Not sure if everyone has heard this or not, but Katie Dippold has been hired to write Ghostbusters 3! So weird to have a movie you are actively dreading, become one you are eagerly anticipating!

Also, they never did answer "How Did This Get Made," and that's fucking bullshit!

Maybe this will be the Halloween episode...I can't think of anything more horrifying.

My mistake, I thought you had said Tamara Tunie WAS the secretary. Was the secretary Debra Monk? (I may be completely wrong on this, again, I haven't seen the film in years or listened to this episode recently. I do agree it is hilarious.) Because, looking on IMDb, she was in Ass Backwards. Not saying that they are tight or that June had anything to do casting for her film, but maybe she is a friend of theirs, or at least, an actor they know and like. She may be just a "character actor" to you (not that there is anything wrong with that either), but obviously something about her work stood out to them. So maybe they were just excited, just as any other normal person would be who sees their obscure-ish actor/band/whatever get some recognition. You can't say who a person relates to our not, or what excites them. Shit, I was geeking out yesterday because I was watching Starship Troopers and Lassiter from Psych made a two second appearance, but I can't expect 9 out of 10 people on the street to know who I am talking about or expect them to care. Maybe they just had an esoteric experience onstage. As for Tamara Tunie, I just looked up her IMDb page and she looks like she has quite a resume, but I can honestly say, aside from Advocate, I have seen exactly nothing she has ever been in, nor could I pick her out of a line-up with a gun to my head. This is not to take away from her obvious talent and success, she just doesn't seem to do projects that appeal to my sensibilities. In this regard, the fault lies entirely with me. But as Dan said in his previous post, podcasts generally attract a demo of 18-34 year old males--not exactly Law and Order's biggest demo I suspect.... And I am 100% positive that the yogurt thing was meant as a joke, for people like me who just can't know every actor and actress in every show, nor want to. I can look a movie up on IMDb just as easily as Paul if I really want to know. And to be honest, when someone says, "the woman that looks like she is in a yogurt commercial" my mind will now and forever think: Jamie Lee Curtis (God, I hope she is still regular...). I certainly wasn't thinking, but is she black? What else has she been in? I just laughed and moved on. So, should they have been more respectful of her career? Maybe...but it is just not something I expect them to do, nor do I really want them to. It would be like stopping to explain a joke as you are telling it. Timing is everything in comedy. But, I do agree with you, I don't see why these types of discussions can't be brought up, as long as it remains civil and (more or less) topic relevant. (And to be fair, when someone says, "that guy in a yogurt commercial" I think of that douche bag who doesn't realize yogurt comes in different flavors. What a piece of shit.)

Shariq, I have an honest question about this (actual about a different post, but it was easier to quote this one) and I am in no way trying to be disrespectful. But you mentioned the secretary in Devil's Advocate being on CSI for 16 years and them not knowing who she was and them referring to her as "the one who looks like she should be in a yogurt commercial." For me, I have never watched a single episode of CSI, nor Criminal Minds. To me, calling her "yogurt commercial girl" puts an image in my head that calling her by her name never would. In fact, I have listened to that episode a couple of times and as far as I can recall they never referred to her race at all. I also don't remember Devil's Advocate the movie, but if she is referred to as the secretary I can't imagine her role in the movie was that crucial to the plot. In my mind, they have maybe an hour and a half to give the plot of a movie and make fun of it. Asking them to give the IMDb highlights of every minor character, regardless of race, would just open a rabbit hole of insanity. (I have also lived in Florida for many years, there are good places and bad places. The most recent Cracked podcast discusses some of the reasons why Florida is no crazier than any and all other states.)

Great Episode! I wasn't sure how they live setting would play, but it came together nicely! On the topic of Goblet of Fire, one thing that has always bugged me (and I am surprised it wasn't brought up as a plot hole) is the fact Harry actually has to participate in the games. I understand that maybe he will die if he doesn't partake in the games, but there is no reason he can't take a dive and take a big 'ole goose egg. The French girl doesn't get awarded any points during the event where they kidnap and drown your loved ones because she fails to rescue her sister, so obviously you don't need points to not be killed by the stupid mystical chalice. So why can't Harry just walk out and pretend to sprain his ankle or something and take the zero? Or just tread water for 10 mins and say, "Nope, can't do it." Is it simply a matter of, "It cost us a lot of money to get this dragon her for you to fight, so by God, you are going to fight it!"

I think we all need a little bit of this:

On the contrary, please, go on.... Also, doesn't he offer her a sandwich in lieu of hot, kitchen sex? It's been a week since I watched it so I may be wrong...

Okay...I am watching this now. 10 mins in and have already had a few head scratching moments. Such as the voice over saying they have twin, double planets. So...wouldn't that be four planets? Also, what's up with his great Aunt, who evidentially loves him, not adopting him? She lives in a huge house by herself with fruit just laying on the table top. What an asshole...

I respect all of what you have to say, and maybe they will have a black guest tomorrow. I do understand your trepidation, but I guess I am more "wait and see." For all I know, they could really bomb. I honestly never noticed they did not know the names of black actors over white actors. I just always laugh at whatever bullshit name they give them (e.g. Not-quite Tom Skerritt).