Nurse 3D (2013)

[EarBear 460]

*NSFW

[jarrycanada 2483]

Why do I find this funny, Rotten Tomatoes score for this film...

 

[RyanSz 3140]

Having actually seen this movie I can say it would work for an episode for how crazy it is despite being made up almost completely of cliches. Paz de la Huerta looks at drugged out as she does in Boardwalk Empire but dresses in more hookery clothes than even porn stars would wear. Literally the first thing she is wearing is a dress that is see-through mesh with no underwear or bra. Every step she takes her hips sway in a way that should cause them to pop out of their sockets and whenever she turns her head her hair flips around to the other side. Her whole goal in life as a killer is to punish men who cheat on their wives, but for some unexplained reason she becomes attracted to and begins getting involved with Bowden's character. The overall reveal of who her character is is pretty cliche especially for a horror movie but the final act bloodbath is pretty brutal especially considering there wasn't too much prior.

 

Also the amount of BLATANT sexual harassment and boning in this movie is insane. Judd Nelson is banging a nurse right against a window in clear view of a work area/lobby, he also dry humps/slides his contained dick against the ass of Bowden in the middle of a work area in clear view of other employees, among many other things. This seems like someone thought de la Huerta would be a huge sex symbol rather than someone who looks like a high, pre-surgery Renee Zellweger, so they made a near porno level marketing campaign around a 3D horror movie that barely makes it to 80 minutes in length and there not being many 3D moments in the film, and waited for the money to hopefully roll in,

[Doofgodolac 19]

What do we need to do to get this film discussed? I have seen it at least three times and am more amazed with each viewing. Paz's line delivery is beyond unfathomable. If you told me that she has no recollection of shooting this film, I'd buy it. She can't have been sober at any moment. She's nude in scenes simply to be nude. And not just for 3 seconds. Whole conversations are being carried on while she walks around bare assed. Jason will be on board immediately. And we need June to talk about Paz's hairdo. I have no idea what's going on with it.

 

Then there's Katrina Bowden. I have no idea why she'd be in this. Maybe she needed a house payment that month. I suppose somebody needed to be the hot female foil but Bowden looks embarrassed to be in this.

 

Speaking of needing house payments, Kathleen Turner makes an appearance here. This may be about the most completely unnecessary role she's ever held. As the head nurse she literally introduces our characters then... that's it. Body Heat, Romancing the Stone, War of the Roses... and Nurse 3D.

 

And then there's Judd Nelson. His direction must have been to be the single most pervy doctor ever. Again, 30 years ago he was SOMEONE. Here he is just the single most sleazy douche you have ever seen. You practically beg to see Paz kill him.

 

And let's not forget that this film was shot to be seen in 3D. All of the Muppetvision 4D effects are here. Crap flies in your face for no apparent reason. I'm not even certain I understand how making this a 3D film would be a selling point.

 

Not convinced that this needs to be discussed? Here are Abby, Paz's character's, first lines:

 

My name is Abigail Russell. I look like a slut. But don't be fooled, this is merely a disguise to lure the dangerous predators who walk among us. This is their jungle. Their breeding ground. And tonight I'm on the hunt. These are the cheaters - the married lying scum. They are like diseased cells, cultured in alcoholic petri dishes, but destroy unsuspecting families, and infect millions of innocent vaginas. There is no cure for the married cock. Only me, the Nurse.

 

Need I say more? This film begs to be discussed.