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Pure Guava

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Pure Guava last won the day on September 5 2018

Pure Guava had the most liked content!

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318 Good

About Pure Guava

  • Rank
    This is actually Adam Scott, Hollywood Bad Boy
  • Birthday 04/03/1973

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Profile Information

  • Location
    Adam Scott's house, usually.
  • Favorite Earwolf Podcast
    Hangin with My lovely wife Naomi, reading Harry Potter to my kids, listening to U2, REM, and if I need to change my vibe? Drop some choice Dead shows (1972 for mellowing me out after kicking Hollywood's ass, 1977 for getting me revved up and ready to kick Hollywood's ass again). then it's time for some straight chillin' round the way, Santa Cruz style, ya know? Puffin' hooters, chewing boomers and making tie-dye shirts for my Dad's friends, then at sunset head down to my church, which you might know as the beach, but for us Cruz Cruisers AKA the Boardwalk Bunch AKA the SCBOYZ it's known as church, not the beach. So church bells ring and I open my eyes to discover I'm kneeling in front of an altar boy not a blue foamy crusher that's when I realize I went to an actual church, not the beach, which is known as church to me, but instead of hitting the gnar-gnar water ladders with my 8ft soft-top boogie board (ages 12-up only, I don't play around with that kiddie stuff, that stuff that is for kids) custom spray painted to have the original poster art for The Lost Boys but my head airbrushed over that dude from Bill and Ted that's not Keanu because that's why I got into pretending to be other people in front of cameras, to meet remake Lost Boys with the same cast except not-Keanu and I guess another reason I slyly waited until now to smirk at you knowingly, pull my sun shades down my nostril middle and I turn to the camera I envision everywhere I go at all times " I heard you can make some pretty big paychecks, we're talking BOO-KOO-DOLL-ORR-AYS BROOOOOSSS"

Recent Profile Visitors

7084 profile views
  1. Deceptively simple, ye olde phrase of catch be
  2. I've heard of whiskey dick but experimental psychedelic research chemical snuck into my water supply by the government as punishment for defaulting on my student loan penis?
  3. In the name of the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit, there are vowels and there are consonants. Thus ends your grammar lesson for today.
  4. My dog's bark is worse than his bite. By that I mean he has a rare skin disease that makes his fur turn hard and peel like bark, a side effect of the medicine is total tooth loss hence the weak bite.
  5. Pure Guava

    5 years since last contest?

    Looks like Earwolf wins the contest for most miserly podcast consortium. Since the bean counters at “Misear-wolf” are too busy getting visited by 3 ghosts on Xmas Eve, I’ll break open the vaults at Pure Guava Inc. and fund my own dang contest! So drop them crutches and oooops, you really do need them, my bad, I thought it was a ploy to squeeze more sheckles out of ol’ Tightwad McScoggles.... Ya know what, Tiny T., while you are on your knees in front of my benevolent, totally muscular body, why don’t you use those DSL’s (Doesn’t sip luxury items) for chugging down the sweet sweet taste of my generosity. Because: I’ll paypal 5$ to the first person to reply to this post. That’s it. See ya in 5 years! CONTEST RULES:1.no hacking the computers to alter your time stamp, What, is your favorite band Jakob Marley and the Failures (due to the repercussions of cheating)? 2. I reserve the right to laugh at your username, you guys are a soooo out there, dude, must have been 4:20 when you left shore on your puntoon boat, heading to Wordplay Isle (Isles are known as “Keylos” in South Florida) for a punrise wake and make...some puns...sesh with Vladimir Puntin and Presipunt Donald Punmp..out them Puns, Vanderslice, because puns rule this National Lampun’s XMAS Vacapun! EPIC CALLBACK TO HOLIDAYS ENDS THE ROUND, points go to the contestant who threw the XMAS boomerang, the one that hit the nation right in the punny bone coming and going, we all shoulda ducked, it was a boomerang after all
  6. If you break a rib and it's poking out of your chest, damn son, that body chest is like a treasure chest, black market demand for fresh man rib through the roof
  7. 4 score and 7 beers ago Babe-raham Lincoln ended the civil war by giving the South what it was totally begging for, full-frontal nudity, bro!
  8. Saturday 2/2 is Groundhog's Day and oh, would you look at that, it happens to be my birthday, I was going to tell you about parking around the venue but since you brought it up I should remind you that due to ancient birthday/holiday laws I'm eventually going to find myself in a Bill Murray/Groundhog's Day/time loop situation when I wake up on 2/2. So to cover all my bases I thought I'd ask anyone going to the show what their dream birthday present would be. Because if I'm looping tomorrow? Sure I'll have time to rob banks and master piano playing (if your birthday wish is for a time wizard to play a solid gold piano for you you are already covered) but for those with bigger, less weird dreams let me potentially make them come true. Don't worry about identifying yourself because after 10,000 live HH shows every single one of you will be on stage eventually or I'll just pick your pocket and read your license (don't worry about your valuables, it's for identification purposes only, remember, I will be a master jewel thief/bank robber by then and don't need the 43$ out of your wallet). Chef Kevin, if you are reading this I can't make Anime girls become real no matter how many loops so pick something practical.
  9. We have to stop all this hatred and killing based on race, sex, & religion because the only thing that truly matters in a person is if they prefer early prog-era Genesis or the later pop star garbage years.
  10. Pure Guava

    Next R U Talking Series

    Not to be a dick but most of you dicks missed the dicking point of them picking U2 and REM for the first two go-rounds, it's because they were the two bands Scott and Scott wore out the LP's and 8-tracks and cassettes and CD's and MP3 players you could say U2 and REM were the soundtrack of their formative years and at first I'd want to punch you for putting it in such garbage language but then I'd remember punching is not something I've ever done or know how to do and so I'd roundhouse kick you in the face instead for not saying it cool like this : you could say U2 and REM were the soundtrack of the years that were formative, wick-a-wick-a-slick-a-pick-a-wha-wha-wha-WU TANG CLAN BITCH, now that is something to remember for next time, always end on a scream and gang sign to make your point emphatically, and if we are cool here I will walk on outta here and will keep my ninja foot off your jaw, assuming you read this note I dropped as I walk out the door: "Whopper-Stopper, that's what my throat is Wish it was bigger so I could get wit the burger biz Quicker, sicker, to get them down so I throw them back up Don't judge my fetish bro, I bet you are one sick pup Speaking of sick pups, I wish they'd do Ween for season 3 because I want to hear Scotty Aux cord plug in and blast Mr. Would You Please Help My Pony (New no-no: Ponies are puppies now) while special guests RZA and GZA do a freestyle about my lightning fast feet they heard about on the street rocked their world more than a hype sick dope beat, yo. Word.
  11. You call that a catchphrase? Sounded more like a bobbled-and-dropped-phrase to me, butterwits.
  12. Ye three minstrels who art betwixt beast and boy art causing quiteth ye commotion o'er yonder, thine ears nary heard such wicked rhyming nor huzzahs aplenty. Assuredly tis Lucifer's work. Prithee bringeth to me ye olde catapult and rope, verily!
  13. You know what they say about improv and finances.... If you don't get in on the Groundling floor UCBees everywhere because you couldn't afford a proper bee transporter to take the multiple hives your cheap-ass poverty house is covered in to a second city for bee dumping. Unpaid bee fees? Sheeeiiitttt, you think you poor? I've been poehler, and you besser trust me, I've been known to break out pics of me sucking Matt Walsh's dick for rent money to prove I'ant no Fancy Sanzy, Richie Rich, Roberts Baron living off a trust fund so I can do improv without a fucking paycheck. May I suggest stop Nichols and diming people? It's sillsy. Oh and bee fees? Bee fees nuts, you buncha unscripted drama Queens. Speaking of royalty, Andy Daly is a God. Now be a Del and close the door for me, forgot my epi pen.
  14. Pure Guava

    Advice Needed

    Frederick Herman Jones? I coulda swore Fred's last name was "The Scarf-Wearing Detective" that's what Scooby told me and if there's one thing we A-List celebrities originally from Santa Cruz that have co-hosted 2 podcasts on Earwolf with Scottrick "Rude Jude" Lawkerman agree on is that Scooby don't lie, bitches, Scooby is on the up and up, and if you flying higher than the giraffe's vagina that's sitting in a bucket of dry ice on seat 23A on Jet Blue flight 501 (Oakland to JFKENNEDY) as we speak in hopes of getting to the nunnery on time for the transplant surgery (animal vagina transplants are all the rage among rich nuns these days thanks to the discovery of a missing piece of the Dead Sea Scrolls that contains a quote from Jesus during the Sermon on the Mount: "It's all good, bae, you still a virgin in daddy's eyes if the sex be happening in your new animal hoo-haa, word up) to have a chance of success than you are too paranoid to lie, besides, he'd sell his own bitch mother out for just a nibble of a Scooby snack, lies are too hard for the desperate to keep track of; It's easier to spill the beans and walk away rather than to rearrange the beans into different patterns you have to memorize. I don't know if this is the beginning or the end of another caper all I know is fathering triplets with Leslie Knope ain't knope picnic, brother.