Colfax McLiverneck

If life gives you lemonade, reverse-engineer it into lemons and apply for a MacArthur Genius Grant.

Your mother was a hamster, and your father was also a hamster. Now get the hell away from my castle before I let the cat out.

If life gives you rubbery yellow spheres, either make lemonade or play tennis, depending on whether they’re fuzzy or not.

Notice: this podcast uses cookies to lure in unsuspecting characters through our trademark Open Door Policy™. Click okay to accept.

The rapid-fire corn shart is my weapon of choice, and I’ll stink-spray you with kernels if you can’t be noice

How much mulch would a mustachioed muchacho mulch if a mustachioed muchacho could mulch mulch?

Pssst. Hey. Scott. You know Weird Al, right? Can you ask him to do Free Falling dressed as Donald Duck and call it Free Balling’? Thanks so much byeee

When zombies shamble, breathers scramble.

Chapter the Twenty-Sixth: In Which Wolvington Apothecary is Ransacked by a Horde of Ne’er-Do-Wells, and Lady Millicent Von Cornwall’s Catafalque is Tipped by an Unseen Hand

Put on your Donald Duck pants and go buy yourself some pants.

When cyclops lurk, blackbirds burp.

We ate the mash. The tater mash. But there is some cornbread left.

In honor of Vampire Awareness Day, I have exsanguinated my first guest, who is now dead, sooo...

Hark the humble lizard wrecks, glory to this very small rock.

Tick tock, it’s ass-kick o’clock, and I don’t even like bubblegum

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s a very strange lyric. I mean, just think about it for a minute. That’s some Salvador Dali shit right there.

Me and Gummy Cornberg huffin’ tube socks down at Turdwell’s Gym

Ask not what the half of them you know half as well as you should like can do for you, ask what you can do for the less than half of them you like half as well as they deserve.

Me and Jumpy Longballs wolfin’ sweetbreads down at Dickbeard’s Wharf

It’s like an earworm, but if the worm was a wolf, and your ear was still an ear

We did the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital—it was a military graveyard smash

Captain’s Log: Having messily exited the perilous Brown Hole of Cornshart 9, we’ve set course for the TP2 Nebula.

homina hominy homonym homina hominy homonym homina hominy homonym

Undaunted, he catchphrased on, balls to the wind and back to the past, into the infinite cornfields of Nebraska sector.

Before Squarespace there was Linespace, and before that there was Pointspace. What was before that? Fonzie, that’s what.