Colfax McLiverneck

Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of your mom this morning. It was me. By which I imply that I slept with your mom last night. Which I did. Because I’m your father. Now take out the trash, son. And by trash, I mean your mom.

You can lead a horse to water.

Nine out of ten dentists recommend your mom.

Yesss

A snitch in time gets nine stitches.

I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of ass and bubblegum, so it seems I’ve painted myself into something of an existential corner.

Anti-comedy ain’t funny. You know what’s funny? A sideways butt with googly eyes making fart noises. That’s funny.

Is the frenemy of my enemy my friendemy?

Welcome to Comedy Bang. Regretfully, we had to let Bang number two go because he was humping the microphone.

Well a bird bird bird in the hand is worth a word word word in the bush.

Let me not to the marriage of your chin and deez nuts admit impediments.

The minister’s cat is an anthropomorphic cat because an anthropomorphic cat is what the minister needs to rationalize his meaningless existence.

Comedy equals tragedy plus an entrepreneur and a little something we call plugs.

Open the door, 200 pounds of poop on the floor—somebody forgot to walk the dinosaur!

What rough me slouches toward your mom’s house to bump beasts?