Colfax McLiverneck

What do we want? Corn! How do we want it? Creamed!

Hey man—what’s nong?

Chapter the Eighteenth: In Which Lord Archibald VonPfister Embarks Upon an Exploratory Jaunt into the Titular Cornwolving Forest and Has a Mesmeric Epiphany

Hey, hey, heyyy, what you want, but don’t nong mans with my affection

Corn is the new beans.

A horse walks into a barn. The barntender says “Hay?” The horse says, “Nong, man.”

What’s wrong—hot log?

Hey is for horse. Nong is for man.

Make hey while the nong mans.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is having a hell of a time finding a donor.

Chapter the Seventeenth: In Which a Stealthy Vulpine Visitor Absconds with a Tin of Satsuma Scones and is Pursued by Sir Rutherford’s Fleetest Hound, Corntooth the Bold

Chapter the Sixteenth: In Which Madame Toilette de Fleury Encounters a Black Mamba in Cornminster-upon-Humpley and is Overcome with the Vapours

If you don’t love me at my wurst, you don’t deserve me at my brat.

Sky blisters notwithstanding, a bucket of honey crumbles at the mention of knee replacement —and the scarier the better, because we exclusively grow maroon corn now

If you can’t stand the human sacrifice, get out of the corn field.

Aztecs did it, Olmecs did it—even educated Zapotecs did it—let’s do it, let’s grow some corn!

Paper toast pop can, economic bubble wrap, corn for brunch, kudzu humble mumble, annnd that’s a wrap. Utah doesn’t count

Captain Fartbreath McLiverneck was the name of my beloved grandfather, you disrespectful monster.

Frosty the Hastily-Erected Snowman / Was a fundamentally unstable soul / With an insufficient load-bearing base / And a dangerously tilted shear angle / And two unbalanced eyes made out of coal

May the farts be with you.

I came here to eat corn and chew bubblegum and write catchphrases, but I’m all out of corn and bubble gum.

Drew Carey. The Magna Carta. A skillet of cornbread. Coincidence? I think not.

Make hay while the sun shines—and by “hay” I mean “burlap speedos” and by “while the sun shines” I mean “while the sun shines” because manufacturing burlap speedos after dark in Temecula is illegal.

On today’s show, Alejandro Alvarado, Abogado de Avocado—and an exciting new segment, “Stomp That Hat!”

Profoundly corny. Bravo, sir.