Colfax McLiverneck

A single yodel proceeds into the corn-pelting line, followed many humbler parachute tattoos.

On today’s show, we’ll be leveraging our comedy bandwidth to align core competencies, synergize best practices, and ideate platform onboarding with in-house shareholders and crowdsourced tent slingers.

I slang my tent my tent I slung upon my sling-ed tent I come.

Well my woman she done left me, took my truck and my dog / Welllll my woman she done left me, she run off with my truck and my dog / Lawd I knew some pain was comin’, cause I been slayin’ strange tang all night long

The yaks attacked before Jack’s snack, and with one smack he was whacked, packed into a rucksack, and stacked in the shack out back.

I like to start off my Monday morning with a nice hot bowl of Corny Bangs—the delicious and nutritious wet-packed, hair-infused breakfast gruel that jumpstarts your day with an incapacitating session of compulsive retching!

Next on the docket: Podcast Listeners versus Comedy Bang Bang. Summary: Despite unambiguous and boldly-stated titular claims, the show offers little Comedy and no Bang.

When I was a child, I spake as a child; but when I became a man, I still spake as a child, and I got fired from my job as a bank teller because I was freaking everybody the fuck out.

Here at Comedy Bang Bang, we have a “shut the fuck door” policy.

Never look a gift cat in the butthole.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there can be no doubt that this man—Jimmy—did indeed crack corn. But the question you must answer now is this: Do you care?

Wakey wakey, amniotic fluid of unborn chicken and slices of fried intelligent mammal!

When the moon hits your eye like an intangible asset incrementally devalued over a defined time period, that’s amore-tization.

The types of sacks: grocery and ball. That is all.

On today’s show, it’s Penelope Pepperberg the polygamous pelican from Palermo and her persnickety puppies Pablo and Pinkerton!

Break me off a piece of that crispy bubblegum, Mister Ridiculous.

Oh give me a home where The Timekeeper’s on / And the Calvins Twins do their horseplay / Where seldom is slung / An uninteresting plug / And the Zouks slays that sweet tang all day

Roses are red / Corn is yellow / I felt up your mom and found out she’s a Fella

Captain’s log: Having resolved the conflict between the Cornholians and the Turdnong Empire, we’ve set course for the Brownstar Wormhole.

A kernel in the hand is worth an ear in the bush.

I really enjoyed The Meg until The Peter fat-shamed her into beaching herself while The Stewie vomit-laughed.

Do you like corn? (Takes off shoe and sock, places foot on window.) How do you like them corns?

And now I know that you're not Adam Scott! Adam knows that it was Captain Huh, not Colonel Who, that said those very words just after he (the REAL Adam Scott) removed the ball gag and gave him five dollars to go to the store and get come cornbread mix! IMPOSTER!!

In a corn-paste facial mask.

You can fool half of the people you like some of the time, and you can fool less than half of the people you like half as well as you want to all of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people you like half as well as they deserve all of the time.