Colfax McLiverneck

“I believe that for every content creator, there should be a content deleter.” – Scott Auckerman

“I like apple tree.” – Victor

“This fact literally blew my mind. I mean the fact opened its mouth and sucked my mind’s dick.” – Jason Mantzoukas

I’ll take “Jimmy Cracked It, And I Didn't Care” for $400, Alex.

I’m a jack of all trades, but a master of off.

You had me at Comedy Bang!

Roses are red, corn is yellow, yo mamma looks like Lou Costello

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Roses reflect visible light between wavelengths of 625–740 nanometers / Violets reflect visible light between wavelengths of 380–450 nanometers / I’m a non-sentimental optical physicist who doesn't believe in true love / How about you?

More like Pure Guano.

All the world's an SEO-optimized online media platform, and all the men and women merely organic content.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair because the rubber man-suit he wore to blend in at Blues Traveler concerts kept rubbing it off.

How much brunch would a mustachioed muchacho munch if a mustachioed muchacho could munch brunch?

I was born specifically to catchphrase about corn.

One two, buckle my shoe. Three, four, buckle my other shoe.

Make it one for my baby, and one for my other baby. Okay, you got me, I have zero babies. I’m a lying, drink-hoarding alcoholic.

On today’s show, it’s Teeny B. Fillagree, the world’s smallest businesswoman!

I got this partially-chewed corn straight from the horse’s mouth.

If you want to destroy my sweater, first you should probably ask yourself “Is it the sweater, or the guy wearing the sweater?” And then you should stop writing shitty songs.

You. Me. A burlap sack of corn cobs. And a vat of boysenberry syrup. Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Corn snake shake ‘n bake, whip it to a cream, wakey wakey ugly baby, ‘twas all a silly dream.

More like Pure Guano. That's right—bat shit. Packed with nitrogen, makes a great fertilizer for corn.

They say that corn should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. Everyone but farmer Carleen “No-Knees” McGhee, that is.

One time I saw a bird inside a building.

Polenta-dusted cardamom hominy scones in cornhusk hammocks on structured leek and tangerine grits scaffolds? ‘Tis a corn-summation devoutly to be wished.