Colfax McLiverneck

Me and Shlomo Kornfeld poppin’ hemorrhoids down at Assburn’s Crack

Does my ass look big in this field of miniature donkeys?

Who let the dogs down? You and your shitty “artisan” kale & polenta dog treats, that’s who.

Jimmy smoked crack corn and now he lives under a bridge in Houston.

Having trouble eating that tiny plastic corn coated in cheap yellow craft paint? Welcome to Marwen, bro.

Me and Colonel Shortsack browsin’ choad sleeves down on Inchman Street

Me and Gary Oldman gummin’ salmon down at Cornbaum’s Cart

Me and Runny Shartcheeks countin’ kernels down at Turdman’s Pit

Me and Herbie Corncream fistin’ snow geese up in Bagwell’s Loft

Me and Curly Mopdick wolfin’ nuggets down at Cornwall’s Chute

Me and Whippy Gagman slappin’ cornholes down at Lulu’s Crack

Me and Lumpy Redcorn flossing cat taint down at Hoover’s Barge

Me and Twitchy Asslips chompin corn nuts down on Gordo's Porch

Phrase, caught. Line, tagged. Hole, corned. Tea, bagged.

Out in the West LA town of Pomona / I fell in love with a Mexican plant geneticist developing an army of sentient corn to enact her megalomaniacal plan for world domination

Me and Bumpy Cornstache rollin’ urchins down at Greedo’s Dock

Toothbeard the Pirate / Was a salty ingrown soul / With a corn cob elbow and a parrot-skin other elbow / And two eyes made out of pistachio gelato

Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, this minor tributary will continue to discharge water at its current level and we can attribute it to divine intervention.

Today’s show is sponsored by Hot Log, the new soft, corn-filled, tubular treat. Hot Log—it’s the Steamiest!

Side effects may include ass-nausea, slop-tongue, corn-cob turds, elbow-boobs, and farts that smell like Drakkar Noir.

I came here to crack corn and not care, and I’m all out of corn.

Jimmy would have had been cracking corn, and I did not want to have had not cared.

Well tickle my biscuits, flick my corn, and drown me in sausage gravy!

Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

I came here to eat corn and chew bubble gum. Not at the same time, of course. That would be silly.