Colfax McLiverneck

For English, press one. Para Espanol, presione de dos. For Cornshine, hop in my jalopy, sloppy—we goin' to the hoedown!

Atticus “The Finchmatic” Walliston-Threadgill has left the weirdling.

Slingintent slingintent slingintent. Slayintang slayintang slayintang. Welcometo welcometo welcometo. Comedybang comedybang comedybang.

Dammit, Jimmy! You’re a doctor, not a corn-cracker!

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, because the latex man-suit kept rubbing it off.

Back in my day, we had to submit catchphrases to catchphrasery@aol.com on our Commodore 64s and wait for a response via pager from Scott’s grandfather, Old Groucherman.

Attention, Pure Guava: I know. And now you know that I know. Meet me at the truck stop at midnight. Bring the corn. And if I see anyone that even looks like a cop, the squirrel gets it.

Thunder. Nugget. Boston. Hemiola. Verbiage. Mint.

Milquetoast. Milque. Toast. Mil. Que. To. Ast. M. I. L. Q. U. E. T. O. A. S. T. This has been “Milquetoast, Deconstructed”, with your host, Milque Toasterman.

And now it’s time for a new segment—Listener-Submitted Questions! Colfax from Nebraska asks “Scott, do you ever get tired of people making fun of your name by constructing spooneristic parodies like ‘Butt Facerman’?”

She sold seashells by the seashore until Shelby’s Seaside Sundry Shack and Shoe Shop subverted her scheme by short-selling shinier shells at substantial savings.

I like my women like I like my corn—sweet, creamy, and fresh from the can.

Pardon me, my good Lady. In which aisle might I find the creamed corn, and whereabouts are the fisting booths? Ah, many thanks, and have a lovely day!

If turning left is wrong, you’re gonna wanna go right.

It’s literally like if I had a cat named Phrase and like it almost got away but like I totally caught it first lol

He who smelt it may have dealt it, but he who scooped it likely pooped it.

Whippersnatch whippersnatch whippersnatch. Butternads butternads butternads. We’ve got a relevant bureau. Yo mamma’s a stinky blue space ho.

This is the show where we balk at defenestrating weevils.

Do you have to hold your pee while eating a continental breakfast?

You had me at Comedy Bang!

Reggiesmack reggiesmack reggiesmack. Unclehands unclehands unclehands. I’ve got a unit of corn nuts. We like to ponder dem big butts.

A can of creamed corn, a talking fart, and a bad spoonerism walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this? Some kind of catchphrase?”

Bury me not on the lone prairie—instead, dismember me and inter the parts in several different prairies in order to deter mad prairie scientist Dr. Vaquerostein from constructing an abominable undead cowboy from my remains.

Nonsensical effluvium, complete lacking in corn. You should never have fired your editor simply for enforcing Oxford Comma Protocol.

Cumberbatch cumberbatch cumberbatch. Muffintop muffintop muffintop. I’ve got a carbuncle milkshake. Give me a single giant cornflake.