Colfax McLiverneck

A horse walks into a bar and asks “You got any grapes?” The bartender says “I think you’re in the wrong joke buddy. And by that I mean you’re not a duck, because the joke is about a duck that walks into a bar three different times and asks for grapes, and each time the bartender says no and stop asking or I’ll nail your beak to the bar, and so the fourth time, the duck asks if he has any nails, to which the bartender replies no, so the duck, knowing that he won’t get his beak nailed to the bar, asks for grapes again, but the joke doesn’t work with a horse, unless maybe you ask for an apple or some corn, we might could go from there and see what happens, but I really don’t see a clear path to a punchline, though it might be appropriate for a long-form improv scene, but I hate improv, and you look like a horse with no sense of humor on account of that long face, so how about you save us both the trouble and get out of here?”

Turdload™

A scrapple a day keeps the apple away.

When I was a child, I spake as a child; but when I became a man, I still spake as a child, and everyone was all like “Shut up, you stupid grown-ass baby-talking man!”

Why was x-1 afraid of y/7x? Because math is stupid.

Jiminy Cricket cracked corn, and I don’t care if your dreams come true.

(wrinkled picture of a guy ironing the letter E)

I’m about to SquareSpace the shit out of a Corn Porn website.

YASSSSSSSSS!! Welcome back! Me and Grumpy Coleslaw were just slumpin' wheezers down at Toadberg's Peak, and I said to him, "You know what I like a little less than corn but more than almost anything else? A good ep of PSR, that's what."

More like Jason and the Argonongs.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man still has terrible depth perception.

A horse is a horse is a horse, of course. Unless it’s crossed with a donkey, and then it’s a mule, you jackass.

Less porn, more corn.

I’d rather have a robbling hamburglar than a hobbling assgobbler.

Floyd’s far-fetched financial fiasco flung Florida falafel funds into a fiscal funk, forcing Frannie’s Falafel Farm to forfeit the Fort Phillips Family Fun Fair.

Taintsqueeze™

Well my name is Wrappin’ Scott and I’m here to say / I’ll clad your gifts in fancy paper any day!

A hotdog walks into a bar. The bartender says “What’s up?” The hot dog says, “What is this—National Discontinued Catchphrase Day?”

I’d rather have an Uncle Hieronymus than a hairy unclonymus.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore corn et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat.

How much Charles would a Woodrow Charles Charles if a Woodrow Charles would Charles Woodrow?

Come on down to Chuckie’s Championship Chimichangas next to the Church of Our Churlish Cherub on the Chickasaw Loop in Chattanooga! (This catchphrase brought to you by the Google search “words that start with CH”)

Burritos are just very small male burrs.

You can lead her to the seashore, but you can’t make her sell seashells.

How much chuck would a beef cow eat if a beef cow was a cannibal?