Colfax McLiverneck

Your mom sells seashells by the ho-shore.

If you’ll be my harpooner, I can be your long-lost pal. I will call you Beatrice, and you can call me Ishmael.

Catchphrases are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Or two, if you’ve had Dr. Cornelius Whimplesnatch’s revolutionary dual-exit weight-loss surgery.

“Sentient storm? Don’t mind if I do” is definitely a t-shirt.

My bologna has a first name—it’s Dale, and he lives on the nightstand next to Rectinald the Stink-Elf.

James fractured maize, and I cared not.

Well tickle my biscuits and drown me in sausage gravy!

Bang Bang in your earholes, corn cob in your bungholes. Amen.

I don’t swim in your toilet, so please don’t pee in my pool. What’s that? Oh, right, uhhh, I was totally shitfaced, man. Soooooo. Yeah. Go ahead.

You can lead a Jimmy to corn, but you can’t make him crack it.

GIF spelled backwards if FIG. GIF pronounced backwards either ”FIJ” or “FIG”, depending on whether you’re an asshole or not.

Don’t piss on my boots and tell me it’s raining because I’ll be able to see you pissing on my boots, unless I’m not wearing them, but still—don’t.

Deer eat corn. Corn grows in Nebraska. Nebraska has seven letters. Seven is a movie where Gwyneth gets decapitated. It was GOOP! GOOP ate my baby!!

Do you like green eggs and ham? Do you like them Sam I AM trying to ASK you a QUESTION GODDAMMIT—do you want this oddly-coloured breakfast OR NOT!!?

Gimme dat buttery buttery corn, gimme dat buttery buttery corn, gimme dat buttery buttery buttery buttery buttery buttery corn

A horse walked into a bar nose first on account of his face being long, and the bartender was like “It is taking you a long time to get to the bar!”

Let me be forthright with you—if you take four rights, it’s the same as just going straight.

I came here to chew bubble gum or not chew bubble gum, and I might be out of bubble gum, so whatever.

Jiminy Crackit wished upon a star, and I don’t care.

I googled the lyrics to Smooth Criminal and was stunned to learn that Eddie has been okay this whole time.

Jimmy did you crack corn, did you crack corn, did you crack corn Jimmy?

There once was a limerick that began with the line “There once was a limerick”, but nobody remembered it because it was stupid.

A pug walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the short face?”

I’ll take “People Who Cracked Corn And For Whom I Don’t Care” for $400, Alex.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like you do—but when I get my pants on, I make little corn-studded poopies in them.