Colfax McLiverneck

Two roads diverged in a yellow cornfield, and I took the left one because I google-earthed the corn maze in advance.

Dear Mr. Shot Blockerman: we regret to inform you that your video tryout for the Pistol Shrimps has been ridiculed, and that you are NOT hired.

And just like that, the elusive Corn-Eyed Mountain Giraffe of Indiana disappeared into the fog, leaving us only with shaky knees and aching buttholes.

Why was Sixvel afraid of Sevenvel? Because Sevenvel Eightvel Ninevel.

You. Me. A six-pack of frozen corn dogs. And a gallon of warm mustard. ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

I went to the Riverside County T-Shirt Outlet and Louse Farm and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Corn to the left of me, corn to the right—here I am, standing in a cornfield.

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with local news anchor Bertha Cornbaum and creeped on her until she got a restraining order.

Jimmy sold crack corn, and now he’s doing four-to-ten at San Quentin.

Womp it, or womp it not. There is no try.

I’m about to SquareSpace the shit out of a Corn Enthusiast website.

And a small, non-threatening bunny rabbits to you, madam.

Mister, you’re barking up the wrong tree. But even if it was the right tree, I’d have to ask you to leave the park, cause you’re freaking everyone out

So we beat on, through the thick corn chowder, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past, tortuously slowly, but never hungry.

What do we want! CORN FRITTERS! When do we want them? NOW! Why did they kick us out of IHOP? I DON’T KNOW, LET’S GO TO WAFFLE HOUSE!

I said a clip, a clop, a clippy to the clop, does this horse road ever stop cause there’s a blister on my horse foot that’s about to pop

Try our new CBB catchphrase generator! Mine is “There are corn dogs within, there are corn dogs without, Heynong HEYnong don’t dream it’s over”

Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Stab, stab. Dismember, dismember. Create plausible alibi, create plausible alibi. Say no more, say no more.

What is the music during the opening of this episode?

If we Nebraskans have offended, eat some corn and all is mended.

My personal guarantee to you: two out of three of my catchphrases will include your complete recommended daily allowance of corn-related humor.

I came here to kick balls and play kickball—and we’re all out of balls, so we might as well fight.

Heynong, long-schlonged dugong! Wanna bang a gong and get it on?

I’m as busy as a one-legged man in a gnawing-your-one-remaining-leg-off contest.

Welcome to Comedy Corned Beef & Bagel Bang—I’m your host, Miracle Whippleman.