Colfax McLiverneck

She’s a dog in the streets and a log in the sheets. And by that I mean she’s a werewolf that shits the bed.

Tragedy equals Comedy plus Bang plus Bang.

Though I appreciate this gift of dried corn cobs on a string and a tub of Crisco, as I’ve said many times before, IT’S NOT THAT KIND OF SHOW

When I was a child, I spake as a child, and I was like “waaa waa baa daaa googie googie blub gah”; but when I became a man, I spoke as a man, and I was like “Synergize best practices and leverage the paradigm shift to push the envelope outside of the box.”

These pants are made for shuckin’ / And that’s just what they’ll do / One of these days these pants are gonna shuck all over you

Scott is correct. Furthermore, the lack of corn in catchphrases these days is very disturbing. Back in my day, it was corn here, corn there, corn everywhere. The rivers flowed with corn, and corn fell from the sky like corncats and corndogs. I summon you all, fellow Americans—to make catchphrases corny again!

On today’s show, international corn magnate Bjorn Cjornsen, and an entrepreneur!

I thought of “Felonius Monk” but can’t come up with a good a catchphrase for it. It has potential though, right?

In Mexico, are corn mazes called maize mazes?

I think so, Brain, but if the Pope didn't have wings, wouldn’t he bump his ass a’ hoppin’?

The Kimmy Schmidt writers are sending me encoded messages again: “I don’t know what’s hotter, you or that pan of hot corn.”

Well it’s one for the money, two for the show, three for kissing, and four for pretending to care about your fucking cat, Janet.

Larry Bird her? I Airly Jordan her!

I think so Brain, but if it were the Adults of the Corn, wouldn’t there be far fewer bad sequels?

Good night, moon. Good nighAHHHHOWWWW!!!! What the hell, moon!!! You hit me in the eye like a fuckin’ pizza pie!! What’s your problem, man!

Well said, sir. You've gotten right to the heart of it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of motorcycle ramps, I shall fear no Knievel.

What’s up, corn dog?

I think so Brain, but if we beef the corn, how will we make reubens?

Well I’ve seen Buck and I’ve seen Roy / I’ve seen fake fields of corn that I thought would never end / I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a bodacious bosomy blonde bimbo with a crow on her shoulder / But I always thought there would be a more satisfying conclusion to the “Where O Where Are You Tonight” segment

Aw, shucks

Perhaps someone should engage the Pinkcorntons.

Don’t assume anything. Because “assume” begins with “ass”, which is what you are.

My name is Zouka / I live on the second floor / I’m slayin’ all the tang up here / Maybe you can bring me some more

Don’t write for your audience. Write for your audience’s audience. And by that, I mean their cats.